How to deal with a pregnant teen (raise, health, kids)
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I haven't seen it and tried to do a search. They do not live together. She lives with us and he lives with his parents. I still pay all of her bills and his parents pay his. If they were through school I would be happy for them. As it is now, they both work part time, spend every dime they make and think they can do this.
My husband is 100% against this and has said our daughter will not live with the baby in our house.
OP, congratulations on handling a difficult situation well. Best wishes going forward for all, and the young couple sound as though they have the desire and maturity to make it work.
Her biological dad is NOT CONSISTENT IN HER LIFE. He pops in and out at will, goes months without contacting her, was PERPETUALLY behind in his child support. Her "new" dad has been in her life since she was a few days old. He's the one who has raised her, who's there for her, who supports her, who loves her, who tucks her in at night, sits up with her if she's sick, and he considers her his daughter absolutely as much as any of his other kids.
This is the two of them recently:
I love this picture - my daughter snapped it when they didn't realize she was taking a picture. He was teaching her how to dance "like they do on the old movies."
Moderator Cut
Last edited by Jaded; 09-10-2013 at 01:56 AM..
Reason: Removed deleted post and references to it.
Well we talked to them last night. They are determined to keep the baby and make it work. I went over all costs involved as I researched apartments and costs along with utilities, food, the possibility of buying formula, everything!!
I also went over the military option.
They were receptive to all of it!!
There was no yelling or blame. No accusations, simply reality. I did let them know that I would babysit at nights for school and such. We told them about working opposing shifts like we did to save on child care.
At the end, her bf thanked us profusely for going over everything because he had no idea in reality how much it would cost to have a family. They both said they felt weird the past couple days because we were kind of stand offish. I told them that I needed to wrap my head around it and just think. They did that. They gave us space and I thanked them for it. I actually slept last night for the first time.
They asked questions that were intelligent. She has a plan to continue school through the local college that has an agreement with a four year right there.
We explained how rough it will be and they will fight and want to run but the child is now the most important and they must do all they can for the child.
I took the one posters advice and used the line that they have taken themselves out of the child role and put themselves in the parent role of a family. It seemed to put it in perspective for them. I did give them a three month time frame to get their place and get it set for them to move in. We will help them by looking at them. Giving them any extra things we may have, etc.
We will help them by looking at places and figuring out a budget and all.
They want to raise this baby. Not us and not his parents. That is good.
I will help them do so.
I gave them a clipboard and pen and I used a whiteboard. They took notes and did calculations. It was encouraging for us to see.
I'm not thinking it will be all wonderful but I am a little more hopeful about the situation.
Thank you all for your advice and encouragement. You helped me to look at this from many angles and be rational when my emotions were out of control.
I am very grateful and humbled by this whole experience.
Wonderful outcome (so far at least).
Grandma!! Now you have to get used to that word, and just wait until you get that little one in your arms.
Well we talked to them last night. They are determined to keep the baby and make it work. I went over all costs involved as I researched apartments and costs along with utilities, food, the possibility of buying formula, everything!!
I also went over the military option.
They were receptive to all of it!!
There was no yelling or blame. No accusations, simply reality. I did let them know that I would babysit at nights for school and such. We told them about working opposing shifts like we did to save on child care.
At the end, her bf thanked us profusely for going over everything because he had no idea in reality how much it would cost to have a family. They both said they felt weird the past couple days because we were kind of stand offish. I told them that I needed to wrap my head around it and just think. They did that. They gave us space and I thanked them for it. I actually slept last night for the first time.
They asked questions that were intelligent. She has a plan to continue school through the local college that has an agreement with a four year right there.
We explained how rough it will be and they will fight and want to run but the child is now the most important and they must do all they can for the child.
I took the one posters advice and used the line that they have taken themselves out of the child role and put themselves in the parent role of a family. It seemed to put it in perspective for them. I did give them a three month time frame to get their place and get it set for them to move in. We will help them by looking at them. Giving them any extra things we may have, etc.
We will help them by looking at places and figuring out a budget and all.
They want to raise this baby. Not us and not his parents. That is good.
I will help them do so.
I gave them a clipboard and pen and I used a whiteboard. They took notes and did calculations. It was encouraging for us to see.
I'm not thinking it will be all wonderful but I am a little more hopeful about the situation.
Thank you all for your advice and encouragement. You helped me to look at this from many angles and be rational when my emotions were out of control.
I am very grateful and humbled by this whole experience.
This sounds really positive and I think you handled it very well. So much better than many other parents would do.
Thank you. I tried to remain unemotional throughout. It was a time for simple facts and that's what I went with.
Now on to finding a doctor and looking at apartments.
My husband isn't doing so well with it all. He's no longer angry, he's just sad knowing they will have a lot of tough times ahead.
Woa, Nelly. Who, exactly, is on to finding a doctor and looking at apartments?
One consideration I wonder if they have been faced with. Instead of do I want to keep this baby. Do I want to have an abortion. Or do I want whatever. When this child comes out, s/he will be a human baby. I am seeing a lot of, do they know how hard it will be on them type admonition. Good admonition. And to the degree that these kids can understand it, it sounds like they do.
But forgive me if I missed it. Have they considered what is best for the ultimate baby? This baby will be economically challenged, and thus educationally challenged. No matter how sweet the couple looks now, there is no real reason to think that they will beat the odds long term. The relationship is likely to fold in a year or two. While these 2 kids look like they are pulling it together now, it was still a pretty significant lapse in maturity and judgment that wound them up here, even maybe a little fantasy thinking. This is the person who is going to be raising this baby. Not that she is a bad person. While we all know people who have made it successfully, we also all know many who have not.
Thank you. I tried to remain unemotional throughout. It was a time for simple facts and that's what I went with.
Now on to finding a doctor and looking at apartments.
My husband isn't doing so well with it all. He's no longer angry, he's just sad knowing they will have a lot of tough times ahead.
I agree that you should help her find a doctor and look at apartments. But I would encourage you to allow HER to go by herself or with the father to the doctor appointments. Let HER decide on the apartment and let HER call the utility companies, set all that up, etc. Let her do all that's involved in changing addresses - if she needs a van to move, let her arrange that, for example. If the insurance company needs to be called, have her do it, not you. Give her the info she needs but then insist that she do the legwork - all of it. She's fully capable, but she's not going to want to do it. She's probably going to feel overwhelmed, but I can't stress enough to you how important it is to allow her to experience the ramifications of stepping off into adulthood and taking full responsibility for her actions. (It sounds like you and your husband will be able to do this, and for that I salute you!)
It's hard not to see her as your child, but she's someone's mother. Time for her to step up. All the little logistical details will frustrate her but she's got you and your family to fall back on for EMOTIONAL support, not logistical support. In other words, after she arranges for all the utilities to be turned on, etc. she is likely to be frazzled a bit. That's where you come in - take her out to dinner, just you and her maybe, or treat her to lunch and then you can maybe treat her to a top, or to something small for her place, like a canister set or stuff for her new bathroom. There's nothing saying that you can't or shouldn't treat her to some items, but MAKE HER DO THE WORK.
That's my advice anyway. And it's not easy to follow, but it will create a strong young woman who will be proud of what she's accomplished in the end.
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