Live in Mother, Grandma (jealous, wife, girlfriend, person)
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Just looking for some advice here. My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years and are having some issues.
My mother and grandmother moved in with us over a year ago, my grandpa just passed away and my grandma had a stroke so I offered to help my mom take care of her. They relocated from the midwest to California to live with us.
Things were going fine, then my gf stopped going to work due to some health issues and hasn't been back for over a year. She has been at home with them every day, and she is starting to resent them living with us.
She believes that I cater to them, and that they control the house. She says she can't eat when they are downstairs because she feels uncomfortable, she says my mom makes fun of her (which I know for a fact my mother would never do this) and that they intentionally make her feel uncomfortable in her own home.
Now I know my family and I know they would never do this to someone especially someone I love. It has gotten to a point where my gf is now going to the bar almost every day for 5 to 8 hours drinking. She comes home and starts very heated arguments about my family.
She also says I do not know how to be a gf/wife bc all I do is cater to them. Which I just dont believe is true. I go to work, come home, make sure my gf has dinner, and then we go to our room and relax together. On my weekends I make sure she has breakfast and I start cleaning the house. Whatever needs to be done. I am always with her. I feel like she doesn't even want me talking to my family.
Last night was the biggest argument we have had and she basically told me (as she walked out the door to stay the night at her sisters) that I needed to make a decision or she would make one. Basically, I needed to either kick my family out or she would kick us all out. Mind you, my name is on the lease and I do pay all of the utilities while grandma does pay a few bills and pays for food.
Her parents recently passed away so I am not sure if this is a jealousy issue, attention issue, or my issue. I could be in the wrong. I am just not sure?? Very confused. Any insight/advice would be appreciated.
Well, I am confused also. You pay utilities, work and clean the house. Grandma pays a few bills (what?) and food. Mother does what and pays what? GF doesn't have a job. Who is paying the actual rent? If gf is, how without a job? Who is paying large bar bills for gf?
Basically, I needed to either kick my family out or she would kick us all out. Mind you, my name is on the lease and I do pay all of the utilities while grandma does pay a few bills and pays for food.
She can't kick you out when it is YOU on the lease.
Sounds like you pay for things and it is your place, not hers.... so it is your rules.
I am afraid it will come down to your family or your girlfriend.... you will have to choose.
Personally, I would get rid of the person who goes "to the bar almost every day for 5 to 8 hours drinking." I wouldn't want an alcoholic barfly as a SO.
Is she still unable to work? If not, I would break up with her and kick HER out unless she got a job or started making serious efforts to get one, started helping out around the house (why are you doing all the cleaning when you're the only one working?), AND went to rehab/counseling for alcohol abuse.
Nowhere did the OP indicate who pays for the house itself. That little fact makes a big difference.
I'm wondering if the decision to have your mother and grandmother move in was jointly made with your gf. It takes a lot of luck and patience to merge generations, even when they are blood relatives.
Nowhere did the OP indicate who pays for the house itself. That little fact makes a big difference.
He stated that she hasn't worked in over a year, so I doubt she pays much if anything. Perhaps she did at one time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
I'm wondering if the decision to have your mother and grandmother move in was jointly made with your gf. It takes a lot of luck and patience to merge generations, even when they are blood relatives.
That's true, but she still doesn't have the right to kick anyone out.
Sounds like your GF likes it when you cater to her, but you aren't allowed to do things for your mom and grandmother? She sounds like a very selfish person. You make sure she has something to eat? Why can't she prepare dinner since she is out of work? You have to spend the weekend cleaning. Again, why is it that she cannot clean while you are at work? What exactly is she contributing?
The fact that she spends 5-8 hours at a bar every day and then starts drunken arguments with you and your family is not what your mother and grandmother signed up for when they moved cross country to be with you. It must be horribly stressful for everyone involved. Since your girlfriend is making you choose, it doesn't seem to make any sense to choose her. You can do better.
I'm wondering if the decision to have your mother and grandmother move in was jointly made with your gf. It takes a lot of luck and patience to merge generations, even when they are blood relatives.
This. Was your girlfriend on-board with the plan to let mom and grandma move in? Did she have the impression it would be a temporary thing?
I'm going to guess that your GF no longer feels like she her 'her' space and that the two of you no longer have 'your' space. She probably feels like her home, her sanctuary, has been invaded and occupied. The fact she's no longer working probably makes this harder to deal with -- at least if she was out of the house for 8 hours a day at a job, she wouldn't feel like your relatives have 'taken over her home'.
It might also be worth exploring exactly what she means when she claims your mom makes fun of her. You said you know for a fact your mom would never do this, but it's possibly this is just a communication/personality difference. What one family considers gentle, affectionate teasing is what another family considers hurtful.
You mentioned she's got some health issues going on, which prevent her from working. That, combined with the recent loss of her own parents may have her in a very emotional and vulnerable position. She probably feels like she needs all of your focus right now - if that's the case, it wouldn't be hard to see how she might start resenting your family as well as the time/energy you put into them.
FWIW, even though I really like my BF's mom, I would hate it if someday in the future, his mom moved in with us. She and I are very different people, have different ideas about how housework should be done, have very different ideas about what is acceptable to eat for dinner (I'm a foodie and she's the type to throw a bunch of random ingredients into a casserole dish. It's often inedible, but she thinks's it's fine and to not eat it would be wasteful), and how to spend money.) It's stressful enough on me when she comes to visit for longer than a few days because she insists on 'helping' by taking over the cooking. There could be stuff like this going on, dynamic-wise.
At any rate, it sounds like a pretty miserable situation all around. I'd be surprised if your mom and grandma haven't picked up on the tension.
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