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Location: NYC based - Used to Live in Philly - Transplant from Miami
2,307 posts, read 2,769,139 times
Reputation: 2610
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I am not sure whether this is the right forum to ask, but I guess my relation with my significant other's mother is considered to be a relationship.
Anyway I would really appreciate any sages out there to give me their sound advice.
Background:
I am a gay man in my late 20s who have been in relationship and live together with my partner for more than 8 years (and counting). We both come from strong Christian family, so it is understandable that our parents reject our relationship.
My bf's family lives in TX, and his sister with his 6 years old son and their mom came to the Northeast last year to watch a Broadway show in Manhattan. Since the sister is technically always broke with a son in tow, we invited them to stay with us in Philly. What they did last time was taking Megabus from Philly to NY for a day trip. BTW, his sister accepts me as a brother in law and loves me to death. However, their mom (I call her grandma since she is the grandma of my bf's sister's son)despises me.
So when they came last year, I let them stayed in the master bedroom, while my bf slept on the couch and I slept in the study room. (Didn't want grandma to get upset and created drama). I also tried to make sure that grandma did not see me around. I even had my dinner in the study room.
At some point I went to the bathroom and left the study room's door opened. It was unfortunate Jake; his sister's kid meandered into the room and gawked over my toys collection (classic Ninja Turtles, M.A.S.K., Silver Hawks, you know what I am talking about!) When I returned to the study room, I showed him my collection. As I raised him up to see the upper shelf, grandma came in. She literally screamed on the top of her lung. Basically what she said was to drop Jake off and stop making him gay like how I made her son gay. I did not know what to say and I got a panic attack. (It was my bf who asked me out for our first date long time ago!).For the rest of their visit, I stayed in a hotel to avoid confrontation.
Anyway fast forward to tonight. Bf told me as I was about to go to bed that they are coming next week. I was surprised and told him that I do not appreciate how his mom treated me.
So the question is, what are we going to do?
I dont mind taking Amanda and Jake in, but it will be awkward if we put grandma in a hotel. And if that's the case, are we gonna pay for her stay, which I refuse to do?
Should I ask the three of them to stay in a hotel? Should we even pay for their hotel since Amanda is technically broke.
Note: I had told my bf that if they are broke, they should not even even plan a trip to see another Broadway show. But he said his sister never told him anything until this afternoon.
She literally screamed on the top of her lung. Basically what she said was to drop Jake off and stop making him gay like how I made her son gay. I did not know what to say and I got a panic attack. (It was my bf who asked me out for our first date long time ago!).For the rest of their visit, I stayed in a hotel to avoid confrontation.
Anyway fast forward to tonight. Bf told me as I was about to go to bed that they are coming next week. I was surprised and told him that I do not appreciate how his mom treated me.
So the question is, what are we going to do? I dont mind taking Amanda and Jake in, but it will be awkward if we put grandma in a hotel. And if that's the case, are we gonna pay for her stay, which I refuse to do?
Should I ask the three of them to stay in a hotel? Should we even pay for their hotel since Amanda is technically broke.
What does your boyfriend think about the whole thing?
Correct me if I am wrong. It seems to me that the grandmother blames you for her grandson's sexual orientation. Well, you really cannot fix ignorance no matter how hard you try. You and your boyfriend need to set some healthy boundaries with the grandmother.
Unfortunately, prejudice is a deep seated phenomenon not easily subject to change. I don't think you need to put up with narrow minded people who are hateful towards you. If I were you, I'd have a talk with the boyfriend. He is the one who should set the boundaries with his grandmother.
Personally, I'd perhaps suck it up and let all three of them staying with us. I'd try my best to be polite and respectful. Of course, if she misbehaves again, she would have to stay in the hotel.
It is not your or your boyfriend's responsibility to pay for their visit or hotel. If they don't have enough money to travel or pay for the hotel, they shouldn't be traveling, period.
As much as I believe the mother should stay in a motel, it will just make her more suspicious and crazy than ever. Since they are your bf's family, allow him to decide whether to pay or not pay for whatever he chooses during his visit - with his money.
The real question is where you're going to stay. You and your partner need to come up with a consstent relationship strategy. Are you going to give up your room to accommodate a bigoted MIL? There are good and bad points to this approach. There are also points in favor of not giving way at all.
Personally, I'd rather leave than deal with the fam scene but it's expensive and difficult. Meet them out for dinner so you don't give his mom false hope.
Do you pay rent or mortgage? If so, then you should not have to leave to accommodate bigotry.
Tell your boyfriend that you will not be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home, and that if Grandma cannot accept your living arrangements, she is free to stay in a hotel. He can pay for it, or she can pay for it. Her visit should cost you nothing.
Frankly, if I were you, I would be annoyed at your boyfriend. You live there, too. You should get to have a say in who visits and when they visit. He should have discussed this with you before he told them they can stay there.
I think you made a mistake being so accommodating to this crazy old bat. It's your house and if you have someone as a guest, you accommodate their needs within reason - but you are NOT obligated to live your life any differently in any significant way. You should never have agreed to sleep in separate rooms during their visit.
I am further bothered by the fact that your partner did not come down on this woman like the wrath of God. You are his chosen partner and he should not accept ANYONE - not even his mother - treating you like some kind of criminal or subhuman. The fact that he INFORMED you rather than CONSULTING you beforehand that they would be visiting is another black mark against him.
You need a long talk with this guy about boundaries and respect. And I suggest strongly that if your boyfriend wants them to visit, he pays for a nice hotel for THEM (NOT YOU).
I agree. Its your house and your life. She's coming into it. Why would you change your normal behavior? Either she accepts it or doesn't. IF she doesn't, then she can not visit. Just phone calls only.
Why do people allow such drama into their lives? Just tell her due to her behavior towards you you do not want her visiting. Your bf needs to grow some balls and tell his mom the deal.
Location: NYC based - Used to Live in Philly - Transplant from Miami
2,307 posts, read 2,769,139 times
Reputation: 2610
Guys
Thanks for all the advice. I will talk and have a long discussion with BF again tonight after work.
I am well-aware that this travel arrangement impacts him as well, as he does not like his mom that much either. But I think it is his sister that he really cares about.
I agreed to have that arrangement when they visited last year to diffuse the stress and avoided any unpleasant scenarios. He was stuck in the middle so I tried to be a better person.
But like everybody said, this is avoidable drama.
I will sit down and talk to him tonight. I will keep you all posted.
Thanks for all the advice. I will talk and have a long discussion with BF again tonight after work.
I am well-aware that this travel arrangement impacts him as well, as he does not like his mom that much either. But I think it is his sister that he really cares about.
I agreed to have that arrangement when they visited last year to diffuse the stress and avoided any unpleasant scenarios. He was stuck in the middle so I tried to be a better person.
But like everybody said, this is avoidable drama.
I will sit down and talk to him tonight. I will keep you all posted.
Good luck! Remember your feeling matters. You don't deserve to be disrespected by anybody! Remember that!!! ((((( ))))))
What does your boyfriend think about the whole thing?
Correct me if I am wrong. It seems to me that the grandmother blames you for her grandson's sexual orientation. Well, you really cannot fix ignorance no matter how hard you try. You and your boyfriend need to set some healthy boundaries with the grandmother.
Unfortunately, prejudice is a deep seated phenomenon not easily subject to change. I don't think you need to put up with narrow minded people who are hateful towards you. If I were you, I'd have a talk with the boyfriend. He is the one who should set the boundaries with his grandmother.
Personally, I'd perhaps suck it up and let all three of them staying with us. I'd try my best to be polite and respectful. Of course, if she misbehaves again, she would have to stay in the hotel.
It is not your or your boyfriend's responsibility to pay for their visit or hotel. If they don't have enough money to travel or pay for the hotel, they shouldn't be traveling, period.
Great point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
Do you pay rent or mortgage? If so, then you should not have to leave to accommodate bigotry.
Tell your boyfriend that you will not be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home, and that if Grandma cannot accept your living arrangements, she is free to stay in a hotel. He can pay for it, or she can pay for it. Her visit should cost you nothing.
Frankly, if I were you, I would be annoyed at your boyfriend. You live there, too. You should get to have a say in who visits and when they visit. He should have discussed this with you before he told them they can stay there.
Great points. Even though Grandma was WAY out of line I would give her a second chance if your boyfriend thinks that she regrets what she said to you. Did she ever apologize to you (or perhaps to her son to tell you) later? Without an apology it is pretty nervy of her to want your hospitality.
Also, I suggest that you continue to sleep in the master bedroom with your boyfriend as usual. If Grandma is uncomfortable about that then she should not visit you and ask to stay in your home.
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