Problems with gf live-in mother (wife, girlfriend, husband, children)
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I was invited to move in with my gf a few years ago. It is HER house. Her mother lives with her. Her and her mother are not originally from the US.
At first things between her mother and I were a little tense because she thought I'm trying to drive a wedge between them. Now that she sees I'm not things are smoother. Out of all the nice, pleasent women of a certain culture, I get stuck with a cranky, cantankerous one for the gf mom. Lucky me.
Like I said the house is in the gf name. I understand it's great to take care of your parents after they get older. But this woman throws a lot of fits about stupid things. I work a job but according to her mother I'm supposed to fill my off days doing fixer-upper jobs around the house. I'm also not allowed to sleep past a certain time on my off days or her mother will get an attitude and throw a fit. If I just sit around on my off day and watch tv and rest from the work week she (gf mother) says I'm lazy. The gf & I have to sneek a kiss in when her mother is around! We are seasoned adults, not 12 yr old kids!
I consider myself a good driver. Her Mom criticizes my driving all the time. To the point that I bow out of going anywhere with them so I don't get chewed out about my driving "mistakes". Criticism about my driving from someone who is apparently too nervous to drive on American roads and has no driver's license.
They speak the foreign language around me all the time.
Since around Christmas time this has been getting on my last nerve. So much so that the very sight of her mother annoys me.
Things between my gf and I are wonderful. She knows her mother is cranky and cantankerous and unreasonable. I'm just afraid to tell her that I wish she'd stand up to her mother and tell her it's not her house and she(her mother) doesn't make the rules anymore. I think if she did that the crap would hit the fan and cause even more negative energy in the house and strain our relationships even more.
Theres alot I'm omitting here. But thats the jist of it.
Just don't do what your girlfriend's mother tells you to and ignore her if she won't let it go.
You're not married and it's your girlfriend's house. Therefore, it would be out of line to ask that her mother move out or to ask your GF to choose between you.
This is simple as pie. The mother is upset because you are living with her daughter - and are unmarried. Perhaps it is a culture thing or a moral thing but I think that's the real issue here. She sees you as the "spoiler" or defiler of her daughter, living in the house when you have no legal right to, and maybe if she can bug you enough you will "explode" and show your true colors and prove her point to her daughter - that you're not worthy, you're no good, etc.... and maybe you'll just leave. It's something to think about. Unless and until you marry the gal and have some say-so in who lives in the house, you pretty much have no leg to stand on here. If the gf thought it was as much of a problem as you do - don't you think she would have stepped in and done something about it by now?
Thanks. I would never be the one to ask her to choose.
But I cannot understand why her mother is so intent on controlling what the other adults in the house do in their off time. When my gf is at work, I go to the mall or the book store or movies until I know her mother is in bed then I'll go home and stay in the bedroom watching tv. That's just lately. I mean I'm an adult. I'm not used to being dominated in the place I'm living. If there's laundry to do I'll do that. At least she sees I'm busy doing something. I've never been in a situation like this before. I'm concidering adding on a part time job to spend even more time out of the house and away from this cranky woman.
This is simple as pie. The mother is upset because you are living with her daughter - and are unmarried. Perhaps it is a culture thing or a moral thing but I think that's the real issue here. She sees you as the "spoiler" or defiler of her daughter, living in the house when you have no legal right to, and maybe if she can bug you enough you will "explode" and show your true colors and prove her point to her daughter - that you're not worthy, you're no good, etc.... and maybe you'll just leave. It's something to think about. Unless and until you marry the gal and have some say-so in who lives in the house, you pretty much have no leg to stand on here. If the gf thought it was as much of a problem as you do - don't you think she would have stepped in and done something about it by now?
Good observation. Thank you. I do plan on marrying her. She's an angel.
I'm not the type to "explode".
I already figured that if I had enough and bail out, then her mother would have reason to say I wasn't good for her daughter. But I would never leave her. Shes my angel. Its just that I wish her mother wouldn't worry about what everyone does when we aren't at work.
Like I said, the silent treatment can work wonders. Now, IMO, you should be helping out with things around the house. Even if your girlfriend doesn't say she wants you to, she might be thinking it. Do you pay anything to live there? Do you help your GF with the mortgage? Any bills?
I have friends of a different culture. The wife is constantly telling the husband what to do. The husband appears to just tolerate it, but if you look closely he doesn't do a damn thing she says. He just goes about his life letting her say whatever she wants. It's like she's background noise that doesn't really interfere with his happiness.
Like I said, the silent treatment can work wonders. Now, IMO, you should be helping out with things around the house. Even if your girlfriend doesn't say she wants you to, she might be thinking it. Do you pay anything to live there? Do you help your GF with the mortgage? Any bills?
Yes I do handle some of the bills around the house. I do some household things without being told. I also pay for meals out and gas sometimes. We all take turns doing that. I would not live with someone and not help with bills and expenses.
Her mother trumps you. She is family, you are not.
That's true. But... We are not children. My issue has to do with being treated like we are 12yr old kids. Home should be a place to be yourself. Not to be unpleasantly domineered by her mother. I can't even relax at home on a day off. I have to go somewhere else to relax on a day off. That is not normal.
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