Should an adult male child live with his mother? (person, children, roommate)
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Please don't judge me from my past writings, I really need help with this one. My 30 y/o son moved back in with me in May 2013 after a failed relationship he has been for five years. Everyone told him not to be in the relationship but he didn't listen and produced a little girl from the relationship. Now he lost his place, his furniture had to be thrown away (from food being spots etc...) and he lost his part-time job, paying child support and has no extra money. I love him but he has been depressed from his loses too long. I can't function due to him coming in late with red eyes and smoke odors on his clothes. I put off my life again to let him come back home. How long should I put up with this?
Please don't judge me from my past writings, I really need help with this one. My 30 y/o son moved back in with me in May 2013 after a failed relationship he has been for five years. Everyone told him not to be in the relationship but he didn't listen and produced a little girl from the relationship. Now he lost his place, his furniture had to be thrown away (from food being spots etc...) and he lost his part-time job, paying child support and has no extra money. I love him but he has been depressed from his loses too long. I can't function due to him coming in late with red eyes and smoke odors on his clothes. I put off my life again to let him come back home. How long should I put up with this?
You are doing for him what a mother-And family should do. Home is one of the places we should be able to return to in a situation like this when things go awry. It's no surprising he is depressed, Due to being hit with so much in a short period of time. You mention he is coming home with "red eyes" and I read that as he is out numbing himself from the situation. This is not surprising and it's very easy to go down this road when everything is so wrong. The main problem-It reduces our ability to focus on solving the situation and making things better all for most people. It sounds like after the losses he has experienced, The idea of trying to climb up the hill once more and put life back together seems almost impossible. it's not, But more importantly he has a child to think about.
Take him out of the house, For lunch or dinner and tell him you are concerned that he is giving up, And needs to stand up again, Find work and understand that it's easy for years to pass by doing nothing while if we put effort into something every day we would have arrived at a solution during that point. It does not have to be "tough love" where you issue and ultimatum where he has 3 months to pull it together. Just that you are glad to help him but he must begin rebuilding, And you want to see that effort. Be clear on that one.
I was without a place to live once, For a short time. it was hell. I did not have a home to return to however, Due to being orphaned when young. It's a blessing he has you help.
Please don't judge me from my past writings, I really need help with this one. My 30 y/o son moved back in with me in May 2013 after a failed relationship he has been for five years. Everyone told him not to be in the relationship but he didn't listen and produced a little girl from the relationship. Now he lost his place, his furniture had to be thrown away (from food being spots etc...) and he lost his part-time job, paying child support and has no extra money. I love him but he has been depressed from his loses too long. I can't function due to him coming in late with red eyes and smoke odors on his clothes. I put off my life again to let him come back home. How long should I put up with this?
OK, Mom, it's tough-love time.
Forget the "I told you so's" over the relationship. It's water under the bridge. What your role is now is to help him look forward, not backward. (And that, incidentally, goes for you, too.)
It's time for a "come to Jesus" meeting with your son, where you tell him, kindly and lovingly, that the pity party is over. You've given him six months to get his act together (which was five months too long, in my opinion, but never mind that, now), and he's been wallowing in his misery. There is no able-bodied, average-intelligence person in this country who cannot find a SOME kind of job, even if it's minimum wage at Mickey-D's or as a server or busboy at a restaurant. Tell him that he has one week to find a job -- ANY job -- and he needs to start taking responsibility for being a resident in your home. Or -- he needs to find someplace else to live. He needs structure in his life, and he needs the self-respect of being able to earn money and take care of his own needs.
Meanwhile, YOU need to stop putting your life on hold. Go to bed at a reasonable hour and stop waiting up for him. (Would you be waiting up for him if he lived in his own apartment? Of course not.) Go out with your friends. Pick up your life again and start to treat your son as what he is -- a well-loved roommate in your home. He needs to be contributing SOMETHING towards his keep, even if it's only $20 a week, house upkeep, laundry, cooking, etc.
My mom offered to let me move in to get my situation back together after a LTR break up. Fortunately I didn't need to because I found a place to move to a week before my lease is up where I'm at. But as a man I couldn't stay for longer than a month without getting out.
Please don't judge me from my past writings, I really need help with this one. My 30 y/o son moved back in with me in May 2013 after a failed relationship he has been for five years. Everyone told him not to be in the relationship but he didn't listen and produced a little girl from the relationship. Now he lost his place, his furniture had to be thrown away (from food being spots etc...) and he lost his part-time job, paying child support and has no extra money. I love him but he has been depressed from his loses too long. I can't function due to him coming in late with red eyes and smoke odors on his clothes. I put off my life again to let him come back home. How long should I put up with this?
Do you wait up for him?..if so why?? ..He needs a place to stay while he gets himself together...that's all. Why do you make it so complicated?..why do you "put off my life" to help him?..I think you're making it a lot bigger deal than it needs to be. Can't you just go about your life as if he weren't there?..he's a grown man, he might need some help, but he doesn't need his momma fretting over him...guaranteed he already knows he's not wanted.
If he's clinically depressed is he getting any treatment for that? If not, you might want to start there as nothing else will really change and if you kick him out that won't help his depression one bit.
If he's clinically depressed is he getting any treatment for that? If not, you might want to start there as nothing else will really change and if you kick him out that won't help his depression one bit.
I think him being clinically depressed is unlikely. Clinical depression denotes a pre-existing condition. When someone is down, I mean really down where they have lost everything the pain and frustration of not being in a good place can be overwhelming. This is compounding with what was lost in the first place. You can get to the point where trying does not even make sense-Because you figure it will fail and you will be knocked down again. Everything is darkness. Been there before. The thing that makes it better is that moment when you see progress, You know you are pulling out of whatever dilemma has enveloped you. This is a good observation but I do not think anti-depressant's will do it. Hands on the bootstraps and getting his life back on track-Certainly will. His mother, Who is doing her best to keep him safe can be a great source of motivation and especially his child. I had-And have no children and when i was displaced, Sleeping in an unsafe environment I thought my life was over. And it was Winter to boot, Which so not kidding makes it worse. Point is, We often have to crawl through hell on broken glass to escape-But escape it we must.
Please don't judge me from my past writings, I really need help with this one. My 30 y/o son moved back in with me in May 2013 after a failed relationship he has been for five years. Everyone told him not to be in the relationship but he didn't listen and produced a little girl from the relationship. Now he lost his place, his furniture had to be thrown away (from food being spots etc...) and he lost his part-time job, paying child support and has no extra money. I love him but he has been depressed from his loses too long. I can't function due to him coming in late with red eyes and smoke odors on his clothes. I put off my life again to let him come back home. How long should I put up with this?
How is helping your son putting off your life? Just because they turn 18 doesn't mean you get to divorce them.
Wait - he lives with you since MAY and still no job?
You are making it too comfy for him in your house.
He needs a deadline!
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