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I was afraid of that. So I suppose the right thing to do is have a tough discussion with my family. I really appreciate everyone's insight. It is extremely helpful to receive perspective from those outside looking in.
I feel for both of you. I am sure your gf feels as if her space has been invaded. She isn't comfortable just being her. When my mom stayed with us for a week I felt like this and it was MY mom!
I however don't think you should have to choose, have a talk with your gf see what would make her comfortable id mom and grandma stay. Hopefully there is a compromise that can make everyone happy.
She does pay the rent, she is on disability/fmla currently but pays the rent while I pay all utilities. She says she can't help with the house duties because of her health (asthma, injuries, and undiagnosed illness.)
She has several times also insisted my family are talking about her/making fun of her/against her when none of this had happened.
We talked about them moving in and mutually agreed it was the right thing to do for my grandmother and also thought having my mother here would be great for when we had children.
She can't help with house duties, but she can go out drinking every night??
I know who Id be kicking out, and it wouldnt be Grandma.
She can't help with house duties, but she can go out drinking every night??
I know who Id be kicking out, and it wouldnt be Grandma.
I know I've thought about that too. When she's home she acts helpless but if her family comes over and wants to party she's all for it or like you said she can definitely go drinking at the bar until 11 at night. Very frustrating.
OP- If you can manage it financially, it might be best to try to work out your living arrangements by buying a house.
Right now three generations and four women sharing one kitchen is just not going to work. Too many cooks as they say ( meaning too many people trying to control each other, consciously or subconsciously ). Whatever you do, don't add children into this just yet. Then you would have your SO feeling she was being bossed around by the older women in regards to child care and raising. This would be a disaster in the making.
If you could buy a two family home, duplex or whatever. You and SO on one side or one floor, mom & grandma in their own side with walls and doors and locks between all of you. Or a single family home with a casita or guest house or even a private wing out back for mom & grandma. Then you might be able to keep everyone in one general place and maintain a sense of privacy for you & SO. .
Right now you've got too many people, too many adults in one apartment.
Part of me wonders how the OP's mother feels about all of this -- caught between her daughter and her mother, watching her daughter's S.O. relationship dissolving. If the GF is showing her butt by going out drinking all the time, but still can't manage the energy to lift a washcloth, if I were the OP's mother, I'd probably be a little less than supportive, too.
Hard situation for everyone. But the GF isn't doing anything to make it easier.
Just looking for some advice here. My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years and are having some issues.
My mother and grandmother moved in with us over a year ago, my grandpa just passed away and my grandma had a stroke so I offered to help my mom take care of her. They relocated from the midwest to California to live with us.
Things were going fine, then my gf stopped going to work due to some health issues and hasn't been back for over a year. She has been at home with them every day, and she is starting to resent them living with us.
She believes that I cater to them, and that they control the house. She says she can't eat when they are downstairs because she feels uncomfortable, she says my mom makes fun of her (which I know for a fact my mother would never do this) and that they intentionally make her feel uncomfortable in her own home.
Now I know my family and I know they would never do this to someone especially someone I love. It has gotten to a point where my gf is now going to the bar almost every day for 5 to 8 hours drinking. She comes home and starts very heated arguments about my family.
She also says I do not know how to be a gf/wife bc all I do is cater to them. Which I just dont believe is true. I go to work, come home, make sure my gf has dinner, and then we go to our room and relax together. On my weekends I make sure she has breakfast and I start cleaning the house. Whatever needs to be done. I am always with her. I feel like she doesn't even want me talking to my family.
Last night was the biggest argument we have had and she basically told me (as she walked out the door to stay the night at her sisters) that I needed to make a decision or she would make one. Basically, I needed to either kick my family out or she would kick us all out. Mind you, my name is on the lease and I do pay all of the utilities while grandma does pay a few bills and pays for food.
Her parents recently passed away so I am not sure if this is a jealousy issue, attention issue, or my issue. I could be in the wrong. I am just not sure?? Very confused. Any insight/advice would be appreciated.
It sounds like your gf is probably depressed, which would explain her excessive drinking, anger towards you and your family, and hypersensitivity. It sounds like it was caused by a combination of the death of her parents and the stress of adding your mom and grandma to the house. She probably has no desire to work or do anything.
You said you "know for a fact" that you're mom would never do this, but unless you're around your mom 24/7, that that's not true. Maybe she was teasing (and didn't mean to hurt your gf) and she is just being extremely sensitive (due to depression).
You have to realize that when you have a change in living situations, you are basically asking for trouble. I know you just want to help your mom and grandma out, but by allowing that to happen, you caused a change in your relationship dynamic. Did you ask your gf how she felt about someone moving in? It's quite possible that you cater to them and they control the house. Most likely she feels neglected.
Legally, she can't kick you out.
ETA: The last thing she needs is for you two to breakup. She needs some help. Before you make that decision, please consider the depression part. It seems as if she uses alcohol to cope, whereas I like to use food to cope with my depression.
Oh, and your mom and grandma should probably move out.
I do see her side of things don't get me wrong I understand some of her frustrations. However I do feel she blows things wildly out of proportion and doesn't want me doing anything for my family, she needs to have my full attention at all times and is now forcing me to choose.
My 82 year old grandmother now feels extremely uncomfortable here. Every time I bring up her age and high blood pressure, my gf says well what about my high blood pressure. If I bring up that grandma has a bad back, my gf says well so do I. It seems like it's always a competition.
I think the situation is not workable. And that's through nobody's fault. Humans need space. It sounds like there isn't enough space in your house. It might be different if the house was laid out in "suites" or if your mother and grandmother were sharing an apartment type thing that was attached to the house (meaning everyone got their privacy) but with them constantly underfoot, it's clear your GF cannot get the space she needs.
The comments from your girlfriend about "Well what about my high blood pressure?" and the like seem very clearly like a cry of, "You're not listening to me," that is intended for you. It's absolutely a competition, and one where your GF feels like she is not being heard. In a successful relationship, the two parties in it have to be at a level of intimacy no one else can intrude on. It sounds like your GF feels you are treating your mother and grandmother as her equal, rather than that she is in that more intimate circle with you and the two of YOU make decisions together.
If you guys own the house, (like it's a mortgage, not rent) maybe it would help to put them in an apartment nearby. If you DON'T own the house and are renting, I wonder if it would help if you guys rented both sides of a duplex... that way you're close enough to visit with your mother and grandmother nightly if you choose, and to help out if anything goes wrong, but there is a clear boundary of space and there will be no grounds for them to be all over your GF's space at all hours of the day.
On a completely separate note (because I don't think her issues should have anything to do with the separate issue of your mom/GM), I find it very fishy that your GF is "too sick" to work but not too sick to go to the bar. Seems like an excuse and unless you are okay with her permanently not working, it sounds like you may need to push her a little to get out there.
She does pay the rent, she is on disability/fmla currently but pays the rent while I pay all utilities. She says she can't help with the house duties because of her health (asthma, injuries, and undiagnosed illness.)
She has several times also insisted my family are talking about her/making fun of her/against her when none of this had happened.
We talked about them moving in and mutually agreed it was the right thing to do for my grandmother and also thought having my mother here would be great for when we had children.
FMLA is three months max and she is still not working after a year. Is she getting SS disability or what? What is the source of her income? Is she working the system?
I don't want to sound harsh but her "mystery illness" and other medical conditions-are they real and tangible? It sounds so off that someone so disabled and can't work but can go to a bar every night and suddenly start partying when her family comes over?
Do you really think she would stop drinking if your family moved out?
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