How do you tell a woman she needs to get in shape ? (death, medical)

[JustJulia]

If a guy I was dating told my dad that he thought I needed to lose weight, my dad would have told him to go fly a kite in a lightning storm. How incredibly patronizing.

[hawaiiancoconut]

Originally Posted by oh-eve

What???

come on ...

When I got a little bigger as a kid, my parents told me I should stop gaining and took the candy away. Done.


No eating disorder developed.

So you say, they should have just let me gain weight?

I had my nieces for the day a couple months ago and took them (3 of them) to get ice cream. So, I buy them a scoop of their fav flavor and sat them down. The youngest one (3yrs old) preceded to pulled out a big bag of skittles from her pocket and started topping her sisters ice cream, including hers (oh my) lmao.

I had a word with my sister that afternoon and she just started laughing

[Lilac110]

Originally Posted by TaoistDude

This sounds like classic blame shifting. You know, as in when someone won't take responsibility for dealing with their problems.

Then you can look it up, too. What fathers say and do with respect to their daughters' bodies can have a tremendous impact on their daughters.

Start here: Habits of Body-Positive Dads: How Fathers Influence Body Image | National Eating Disorders Association

And here: Parent conversations about healthful eating and weight: associations with adolescent disordered eating behaviors

Father-daughter relationship and the severity of eating disorders

Mothers, too: Relationships between family conflict, perceived maternal verbal messages, and daughters' disturbed eating symptomatology

Not for nothing, but I've written extensively about this professionally. I could sit here and provide citations all day.

[jade408]

Originally Posted by Lilac110

Major reason for teenage girls developing eating disorders right here: Daddy's body-shaming. ^^^^^

Originally Posted by oh-eve

What???

come on ...

When I got a little bigger as a kid, my parents told me I should stop gaining and took the candy away. Done.


No eating disorder developed.

So you say, they should have just let me gain weight?

Originally Posted by Lilac110

Ask any mental health professional who treats eating disorders. Paternal commentary about a daughter's body can wreak havoc on her. PLENTY in the psychiatric literature about this. Spend a few minutes with Google if you're unsure.

As for tag-teaming with her SO, that is just beyond the pale in its inappropriateness. It's downright creepy.

Originally Posted by TaoistDude

This sounds like classic blame shifting. You know, as in when someone won't take responsibility for dealing with their problems.

No this is really common. Kids, particularly girls learn about body image from their parents. In fact many people go on their first "diet" as teens because of a comment from a parent, and it leads to a lifetime of yo yo dieting and food issues for life.

If you want to encourage your kid to be healthy, set a good example, stock your house with healthy foods and don't make discouraging comments about your body or your kids.

[Lilac110]

More sauce: The impact of appearance-related teasing by family members (just evidence that even teasing hurts)

How do conflict and communication patterns between fathers and daughters contribute to or offset eating disorders? (goes both ways)

And now I'm out. The things that fill threads like this depress me for the light they shine on the public's ignorance.

[TaoistDude]

Fortunately, I never had to deal with weight and body issues as a parent. And my perspective here is as an adult dealing with other adults, who I may or may not be dating. If there is a mismatch in attraction or lifestyle, then we won't be dating - simple. I would never presume to tell someone to change their habits. If I'm married to someone who then changes her habits in an unhealthy way, then I would certainly open a discussion with them about it. It would be primarily out of caring about them, and secondarily caring about the health of the relationship. If they do not wish to participate or respond, then they have made a decision about their priorities, and I'll make my own according to the situation and my own priorities.

[Lilac110]

Originally Posted by TaoistDude

Fortunately, I never had to deal with weight and body issues as a parent. And my perspective here is as an adult dealing with other adults, who I may or may not be dating. If there is a mismatch in attraction or lifestyle, then we won't be dating - simple. I would never presume to tell someone to change their habits. If I'm married to someone who then changes her habits in an unhealthy way, then I would certainly open a discussion with them about it. It would be primarily out of caring about them, and secondarily caring about the health of the relationship. If they do not wish to participate or respond, then they have made a decision about their priorities, and I'll make my own according to the situation and my own priorities.

If a partner wants to approach out of love (and NOT "I don't find you attractive" which makes the person's weight about THEM and their desires), the best thing the spouse or partner can do is talk to a counselor, first. I really believe that it takes a professional to make the concerned party understand what could be going on and where the boundaries are, not people on a message board--and especially not people on a dating message board that is rife with derogatory commentary toward women's bodies and serves as a disgustingly stunning example of how the world at large still thinks women's bodies are public property to comment on, control, shape, or otherwise influence.

[Ruth4Truth]

I still don't understand why the OP wants to tell this woman, or women, something they already know.

[JustJulia]

Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth

I still don't understand why the OP wants to tell this woman, or women, something they already know.

He wants to have sex with someone thinner than she is.

[49ersfan27]

Just tell her to go work out. What's the big deal?