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Ok this is the meanest thing I've ever heard of...but I bet you're one hell of a grandma!...LOL
Oh, I am, I am! (Taking a bow, or is that a curtsey?) Who knew that being a grandma would bring such rewards, including the dreaded "Mother's Curse"?LOL And, the best part of all is, (presuming I'm allowed to live a very long life), that at 45, I have many happy years ahead of me to wreak havoc, (rubs hands gleefully in anticipation...)! I have only just begun!
Oh, I am, I am! (Taking a bow, or is that a curtsey?) Who knew that being a grandma would bring such rewards, including the dreaded "Mother's Curse"?LOL And, the best part of all is, (presuming I'm allowed to live a very long life), that at 45, I have many happy years ahead of me to wreak havoc, (rubs hands gleefully in anticipation...)! I have only just begun!
Oh you are a young Grandma...that must be too cool for the planet! I can't say but I'm thinking it's a step up from being a favorite aunt...when my sister complains I'm spoiling her kids I just tell her, "of course I am that is my job isn't it?"...she then just smiles and shuts up...LOL Oh and she spoils mine..so we are definitely even.
I didn't have my kids until late (31 and 36 years old) so now at 41 going on 42I probably won't get even with mine until I'm at least in my late 50's or early 60's....but I plan on trying!...LOL
An elderly gentleman goes to his doctor's for his annual checkup.
He brings his wife along because he is hard of hearing.
They go into the exam room and the doctor performs a physical.
He jots some things down and says..
"I'm going to have to run some tests, just to make sure everything is ok. I'll need a urine sample, a blood sample, a stool sample and a seamen sample."
The elderly man looks confused and turns to his wife..
"What did he just say?"
The wife shouts into his ear...
"He wants your underwear!"
Oh Plad...you are sooo bad! Hey, that rhymes LOL Those were funny
I am so glad that you posted here. I was just rubbing my head wondering why in the world i was still awake. Came in and read some very bad first man jokes, then luckily came across decalvo's. Hope all is well. night.
He descended a little more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I've no idear where I am".
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees West longitude".
"You must be an Engineer", said the balloonist.
"I am", replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well", answered the balloonist. "Everything you told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've been no help at all. If anything you have delayed me even more".
The woman responded, "You must be in Management".
"I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", replied the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are now, due to a large amount of hot air. You have made a promise that you are unable to keep. You do not understand or know what to do with the information you have been given. You expect people below you to solve your problem and you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
You may vote for one of three candidates in this election. here are your choices:
Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist.
He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martinis a day.
Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks
an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife
Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little
more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
Can you guess which organization this is?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed
to keep the rest of you in line.
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
There's always one. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
1975 : Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2006: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems
2006: Roughage
1975: Hoping for a BMW
2006: Hoping for a BM
1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2006: Receiving a new hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones
2006: Kidney Stones
1975: Being called into the principal's office
2006 : Calling the principal's office
1975: Screw the system
2006: Upgrade the system
1975: Disco
2006: Costco
1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2006: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1975: Passing the drivers' test
2006: Passing the vision test
1975: Whatever
2006: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering! machine
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald 'S never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet?
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) Who knew that being a grandma would bring such rewards, including the dreaded "Mother's Curse"?LOL And, the best part of all is, (presuming I'm allowed to live a very long life), that at 45, I have many happy years ahead of me to wreak havoc, (rubs hands gleefully in anticipation...)! I have only just begun!
