Let's Hear Some Nice Clean Jokes! (body, best, about, power)

[Blueberry]

Did you hear about the blonde that...

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years."
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

[Blueberry]

Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:


A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
All foam, no beer.
The butter has slipped off his pancake.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Not wired to code.
Skylight leaks a little.
Her slinky's kinked.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Is so dense, light bends around her.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.

[JerZ]

Little Johnny comes home from school one day with a thoughtful look on his face.

"What is it, Little Johnny?" his mother asks.

"I was wondering something," Little Johnny answers. "Mom, where did I come from?"

Mom is a little taken aback. Little Johnny is so young. But she buckles up, swallows her embarrassment and begins a long explanation. To make things clear, she even takes out a pencil and draws little diagrams.

When she is finished, Little Johnny says, "Wow, really? Because my friend Mikey came from Wisconsin."

[kawgpz550]

I found another joke that will be sure to make you ALL LAUGH!
I heard this one quite some time ago so I looked it up so I can share it with you!

~~~~~~~~~~
With the birth of their first born, couples there are especially happy. And so it was with the newlyweds Ching and Chang Wong. Ching was expecting any day and Chang, young father-to-be, delighted in boasting to all of his neighbors. Perhaps the Chinese limit of two children is, in fact, prudent.

Last Wednesday, in the wee hours of the morning, Ching woke her husband from a deep sleep. "Chang! Wake up Chang. It's time to go."

The Wongs rushed off to the hospital. Ching was not in the labor room long. The attending nurse insisted that they should rush to the delivery room. Ching agreed, and Chang was invited along to help coach Ching.

Within minutes Ching Wong delivered a beautiful bouncy baby boy. A healthy boy, but an obviously Caucasian, white boy. Noticeably embarrassed, the nurse turned to Chang. "Mister Wong! What name baby boy?"

With a stroke of his beard and classic wisdom typical of the Orient, Chang Wong replied:

"Two Wongs don't make a white. Me name baby... Sum Ting Wong!"

[FL_TN_Nana]

Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing
home. About then a grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled
out: "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

"There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

"Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact
age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up. "You're 84 years old!"

"How in the world did you guess?"

The old grandmas, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because we were at your birthday party yesterday."

[arguy1973]

A Blonde state trooper pull over a blonde lady for speeding, and the lady that was pulled over cant find her drivers license, so she just hands the blonde trooper her compact mirror, the blonde opens it, looks in it, and says, oh, i didnt know you were a state trooper too, your free to go!

[FL_TN_Nana]

Quotes:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy & Billy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

[mams1559]

Not good at telling jokes, but here goes ...

One fine Friday a pastor was making rounds to various parishoners' homes to visit, pray and fellowship with them. It was early morning, about 9, when he happened upon the home of Ms. Jones. The car was in the drive and he saw a light on. So he knocked on the door, but no one answered. He knocked again, this time louder, but still no answer. So he pulled out his business card, wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on it and put it on the door and went on his way.

Sunday came and he gave a stirring sermon. After the service an usher approached the pastor with a business card he had found in the offering plate. The pastor recognized it right away after seeing his handwriting. Then he turned it over and saw 'Genesis 3:10' on the back. The pastor burst out laughing. The usher asked what was so funny? So the pastor explained:

Rev. 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Gen 3:10 'I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.'

[mams1559]

A man and his wife, who had been married 15 years, had a heated disagreement. Finally, instead of letting things get further out of hand, the wife decides to use the silent treatment. The husband, well aware of his wife's tactics, decides he'll go along with it and started his own silent treatment. This went on for several days -- neither speaking to the other.

Then one night the husband realizes he needs to get up extra early in the morning to leave in time to catch a flight for an important out-of-town business meeting. He knows he doesn't wake early easily and usually has his wife wake him. But he wasn't about to break the silence. So before going to bed he leaves a note for his wife: "Wake me up at 5:30 to catch flight" and then goes to bed.

The next morning he wakes up and it's 7:30!!! He's furious!! He's late, he missed his flight and the meeting!! He's just about ready to barge downstairs and break the silence and hollar at his wife when he notices a note on his side table:

"Honey, it's 5:30 -- WAKE UP"

[kawgpz550]

OH MY! These are just too funny! Thanks for the laughs Mams and Blueberry!