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After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So how's everything going?" inquired God.
"Oh! It's all so wonderful......but I do have one problem. It's these breasts you've given me. The middle one keeps pushing the other two out and I keep knocking them with my arms". Perhaps two would have better".
"That's a good point" said god "This is my first attempt at this you know. I gave all the other animals six breasts but figured that you'd need half that but I can see that you are right. I'll fix it now".
With that, god removed the middle breast and threw it into the bushes.
A week later god returned to the garden and said to Eve. "Well, how is my favourite creation today?"
"There's just one oversight on your part" said Eve. "All the other animals are paired off but I'm on my own and it gets rather lonely".
God thought for a moment and said "You know Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will create one for you immediately. Now let me see...........what did I do with the useless t*t?".
Now doesn't that make more sense than that old nonsense about the rib?
The Department of Health has officially recognised obesity as a medical illness. Doctors say the symptoms include shortness of breath.............and a fat a**!
A bishop and his curate were visiting one of the parishes and after the service, the vicar of the parish invited them both to the vicarage for a drink. Handing the bishop a large brandy, he turned to the curate and asked, "What would you like my son?" The young curate drew himself up, puffed himself out and said. "I don't want any alcohol. I'd rather commit adutery than have a drink".
On hearing this, the bishop handed his glass back to the vicar saying "Oh! I didn't know we had a choice".
An ecclesiastical conference was being held in a remote country mansion during a very cold winter and the early risers were gathered around the roaring log fire before breakfast when one of the bishops appeared and joined them.
"I had a dream last night" said the bishop. "I dreamed I was in Hell".
The others asked " What was it like?".
"Much like here" replied the bishop, "You couldn't get near the fire for bloody clergymen!".
Two old ladies were sat in the garden having a drink and a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues to smoke.
Maude: "What the heck is that?"
Mabel: "It's a condom and it stops my cigarette from getting wet".
Maud: "Where do you get them?".
Mabel: "You can buy them at the drugstore".
The next day Maud goes to the drugstore and asks for a packet of condoms. The pharmacist asks her what brand of condom she would like.
"Doesn't matter son" says Maud.......... "as long as it fit's on a Camel".
A bishop and his curate were visiting one of the parishes and after the service, the vicar of the parish invited them both to the vicarage for a drink. Handing the bishop a large brandy, he turned to the curate and asked, "What would you like my son?" The young curate drew himself up, puffed himself out and said. "I don't want any alcohol. I'd rather commit adutery than have a drink".
On hearing this, the bishop handed his glass back to the vicar saying "Oh! I didn't know we had a choice".
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It's worth reading to the end!
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________ ______ _______________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________ ___________ ______
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
School did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_______ _____________ ________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Why females should avoid a "girls night out" after they are married!
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos=MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why he said , "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh s***! ", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3
times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then fell over the coffee table and farted."
A guy goes into a bar and sits next to a blond bimbo who was watching the TV. The 10:00PM news was covering a story about a man preparing to jump off the roof of a tall building. The bimbo turnes to the man and say, "Do you think he'll jump?"
"I bet he will" says the man.
The bimbo says " I bet he won't jump".
The man placed $20 on the table and said "I bet you 20 he will".
"You're on" said the bimbo.
Just as she placed her money on the table, the guy on the roof jumps, falling to his death.
The bimbo was very upset but handed her $20 to the man saying "Here's your money. You won it fair and square".
"I can't take your money" said the man, "All this happened earlier today. I saw it on the 6:00PM news".
The bimbo said, "I saw it on the 6:00PM news too............but I didn't think he'd do it again!"
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