Clean Jokes Thread - Part II (Egyptian, bible, quote, Mary)

[Magnum Mike]

I wanted to post this in the "clean jokes" thread, but it was closed.

Anyhow, this is courtesy of John Hagee:
A man dials 911 in panic because his wife was about to go into labor, and the 911 operator asked: "Is this her first child?" and the man yelled "Of course not you moron! This is her HUSBAND!"

[Jazzedforhim]

FUNNY! I love these threads!

[noland123]

What does an Apostle and a penny have in common ? They are both "ONE SENT"

[Hoosier]

My only comment in this thread is to keep it clean. Remember this is a religion forum. If it goes off topic/color at all the thread will be closed.

[noland123]

Originally Posted by Hoosier_guy

My only comment in this thread is to keep it clean. Remember this is a religion forum. If it goes off topic/color at all the thread will be closed.

I agree with you a hundred percent.

[arguy1973]

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

[arguy1973]

Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students of both the Christian and Jewish persuasion:

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.

St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

[sun queen]

Title:"Don't Blame Me"
A new pastor was listening in on the childrens class. He sat quietly and then asked the children "who tore down the wall of Jericho?" "Not me" said little Sarah. The pastor asked the same question again sure that some kid would get it right, but the Sunday school teacher took the pastor to the side and said "hey Sarah said she didn't do it...I believe her." The pastor could not believe his ears so he talked to the youth pastor about what had happened. The youth pastor said "I know it is hard to accept that a little sweet looking girl like Sarah could cause so much trouble, but I will have a talk with her." By now the pastor was totally baffled so he sought the counsel of the head deacon. He explained the whole story...the deacon listed very patiently and gave the pastor a comforting smile and said "I can see your problem, but I suggest we take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that." (u may have to laugh by faith on this one, but after I got...I laughed)

[Miss Blue]

Thanks Magnum for a new joke thread. It was a good place to come to cool off

[Magnum Mike]

A man was driving home with his wife one evening on a country road and he was speeding. A highway trooper spots the speeding car and pulls it over. He walks up to the window to interrogate the driver.

Trooper: Did you know I clocked you going 100 MPH? Why are you speeding?
Man: It was an emergency officer
Man's wife: No it wasn't, you just wanted to get home to watch the football game.
Trooper: Did you also know your taillight is broken?
Man: Really? No I didn't know that officer!
Man's wife: Yes you did and it's been broken for months!
Trooper: Did you also know your tags are expired?
Man: Oh rats! Somebody must have stolen the tags.
Man's wife: Nobody stole them, you were just too dog gone lazy to go down and get the car registered!
Man yelling: For God's sake, can't you keep your big mouth shut stupid woman?
Trooper: Does he always talk to you like this ma'm?
Man's wife: No, only when he's drunk..