Clean Jokes Thread - Part II (grace, genesis, church, Revelations)

[jeffncandace]

Originally Posted by Magnum Mike

A man was driving home with his wife one afternoon on a country road and he was speeding. A highway trooper spots the speeding car and pulls it over. He walks up to the window to interrogate the driver.

Trooper: Did you know I clocked you going 100 MPH? Why are you speeding?
Man: It was an emergency officer
Man's wife: No it wasn't, you just wanted to get home to watch the football game.
Trooper: Did you also know your taillight was broken?
Man: Really? No I didn't know that officer!
Man's wife: Yes you did and it's been broken for months!
Trooper: Did you also know your tags are expired?
Man: Oh rats! Somebody must have stolen the tags.
Man's wife: Nobody stole them, you were too dog gone lazy to go down and get the car registered!
Man yelling: For God's sake, can't you keep your big mouth shut stupid woman?
Trooper: Does he always talk to you like this ma'm?
Man's wife: No, only when he's drunk..

LOL! Good one.

[jeffncandace]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonney""

[Magnum Mike]

Originally Posted by jeffncandace

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonney""

LOL... .. That is bad Jeff! (But very funny!)

[Magnum Mike]

A man in a Mercedes was speeding down a highway at 90 MPH, he went by a highway patrolman on the side of the road, and the patrolman went after him. The man saw the flashing lights behind him and sped up to 110 MPH, the highway patrolman continued after him. The man increased the speed to 120 MPH and again, the highway patrolman was still behind him. Finally, after he couldn't get away from the patrolman, he pulled over and stopped on the side of the road, and the highway patrolman walked up to his window and asked him why he was going so fast, and the man replied "My wife ran off with a highway patrolman last week and I thought it was you and wanted to give her back!"

[Magnum Mike]

A man, who had a few drinks, staggers out of the bar at 2:00 in the morning. He does the proper thing by leaving his car in the bar's parking lot and starts walking home on a deserted road. A police officer drives by and sees him staggering alongside the road and stops to investigate. He asks him "What are you doing out so late at night?", the man replies "I'm on my way to a lecture". The officer, after realizing the guy is drunk, asks "Who on earth would be giving lectures at this time?", the man answers "My wife when I get home!"

[Blueberry]

Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior.

"Well, how can I help you little people?" asked mother superior.

The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked, "Oh, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?"

"No," says mother superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at the convent"

"All right then, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?"

"No, No," replied mother superior, "I don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all."

"Well then Mother Superior, in all of nun Dom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, then, of any midget nuns?”

"No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied Mother Superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?"

The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said. "See, it’s as I told you all along. You've been dating a Penguin."

[Blueberry]

A Poem for Moms and Dads

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

[Blueberry]

GOLF PRO

One day Jesus and Moses are on the golf course and decide to have a
contest over who can make the most outstanding shot.

Moses goes first. He settles up for the shot and hammers it straight
for the green. Unfortunately, the ball falls into a water hazard.
Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water parts where
the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and onto dry
land, only a foot away from the hole. Jesus looks at Moses and says,
"Hey Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can
do."

Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming towards the
green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The ball
heads straight for the water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand and,
instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounces on top of the
water and rolls onto dry land only 3 inches from the hole. Moses says,
"Wow, that was an incredible shot!"

No sooner did Moses say this, than the skies grew dark. The wind
started up, lightning and thunder crackled through the sky. Suddenly a
ball falls from the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus and
Moses had hit theirs. A fish swims up and swallows the ball. An eagle
swoops down, grabs the fish in his talons, and heads for the now
darkened sky. Lightning strikes the eagle and he drops the fish onto
the green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out and drops into the hole.

Moses turns to Jesus and says,
"Man! I hate it when your Dad plays!!"

[weatherologist]

THIS IS QUITE REMARKABLE, PLEASE DON'T CHEAT!
>>[]
>>In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits
>>on it. They are:
>>A. Apple
>>B. Banana
>>C. Strawberry
>>D. Peach
>>E. Orange
>>Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush
>>into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about
>>you!
>>Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>If you have chosen:
>>A. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
>>B. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
>>C. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
>>D. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
>>E. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges
>>I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it
>>bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound
>>stuff.

[FL_TN_Nana]

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother.

"I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,
"May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked,
"Well, when can we see the baby?!?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!"