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I have found that kids behave the way their parents expect them to behave. If you expect lies you will probably get them.
While I do understand and generally agree with the concept of expectations I think many, many parents are completely out of touch with what their children do.
I had a student who is good friends with my child (they met at a summer internship) and I know the student's mother fairly well. She has absolutely no idea of the parties her daughter is going to. Her daughter is a good kid who is not coming home stumbling drunk every night but the mother thinks she is going to parties where there are adults present, where the party is supposed to be at someone's house but is really at a parentless vacation home. The student's mother even found beer in her bedroom and assumed it was left their by a cousin from two summers before.
While I do understand and generally agree with the concept of expectations I think many, many parents are completely out of touch with what their children do.
I had a student who is good friends with my child (they met at a summer internship) and I know the student's mother fairly well. She has absolutely no idea of the parties her daughter is going to. Her daughter is a good kid who is not coming home stumbling drunk every night but the mother thinks she is going to parties where there are adults present, where the party is supposed to be at someone's house but is really at a parentless vacation home. The student's mother even found beer in her bedroom and assumed it was left their by a cousin from two summers before.
True enough, but I also think a little testing the boundaries is normal and healthy. As long as my kids were aware of the consequences we would impose if escapades resulted in an arrest or hefty premiums/fines, I was ok with them sowing a few wild oats, as long as nobody was injured in the process. That's the stuff of memories. And, the best memories from my own youth did not involve parent oversight.
True enough, but I also think a little testing the boundaries is normal and healthy. As long as my kids were aware of the consequences we would impose if escapades resulted in an arrest or hefty premiums/fines, I was ok with them sowing a few wild oats, as long as nobody was injured in the process. That's the stuff of memories. And, the best memories from my own youth did not involve parent oversight.
I think your view is commonly held. I also think school, competition, and consequences are not what they once were. For example the legal consequences of drinking in the 70s, 80s or even the 90s are not what they are now. Same with the social, health, and school consequences.
The problem with the nobody injured paradigm is many teens don't really have the ability yet to stop in the middle of their actions and predict consequences the way an adult can.
Also, I think some parents have a little bit of a "glory days" mindset. For most kids, probably going to be fine, for some, it is sheer dumb luck if they make it through unscathed. For a small subset, it will be disastrous. I suppose it comes down to the amount of risk one is willing to take.
To be fair dew- do you think kids always tell the truth? I certainly didn't when I was a teen and I know my grown kids didn't when they were teens. No cell phone or GPS or personal computers then but if there had been we would have been all about monitoring. When our "little girls" get phones we will probably use those features. I think it is good to let your kids know they have someone to answer to.
What kind of idiot child would bring a cell phone with them, if they intend to lie about their whereabouts?
Wow, kids these days. They're growing them with fewer brain cells. I blame the cell phones.
So we monitor all children until when? College like one poster? How about on their honeymoon or during their first job interview? Or does the monitoring magically disappear at 18?
My opinion is that as parents it's our job to raise self sufficient adults. Not to cage them in by not trusting them (and also not allowing them to screw up...there's value there too) and then thrusting them out into a world where no one cares if they party till 1am or spend the night at Bobby's house.
If we GPS them to death, never let them make decisions that might be wrong, and then force them to grow up and act independently...well how they are supposed to know how to do that?
Give them a curfew. Require good grades and respectable behavior. Expect them to answer the phone when you call. When they lie ground them and take away the damn phone. But don't infantilize them, you're not doing them or society any favors.
Forget about it, I am way too busy to mess with it. I trust my daughter, and if she does get into trouble, at least, she knows enough to call me first. I don't monitor her cell phone, or who she calls, or what she does...geez, who has the time for that?! I did plenty of parenting and bonding when she was a baby, a toddler, a little kid, and teen. Now, she is in college, and I respect her enough, to not get into her business.
I think your view is commonly held. I also think school, competition, and consequences are not what they once were. For example the legal consequences of drinking in the 70s, 80s or even the 90s are not what they are now. Same with the social, health, and school consequences.
The problem with the nobody injured paradigm is many teens don't really have the ability yet to stop in the middle of their actions and predict consequences the way an adult can.
Also, I think some parents have a little bit of a "glory days" mindset. For most kids, probably going to be fine, for some, it is sheer dumb luck if they make it through unscathed. For a small subset, it will be disastrous. I suppose it comes down to the amount of risk one is willing to take.
Still in agreement, but I think common sense evolves as a result of taking some risks and testing the boundaries. Sometimes you have to touch the hot stove to understand why it isn't such a good idea. If I had no faith in my kids' developed common sense, I would probably feel much differently, and want to monitor more closely.
So we monitor all children until when? College like one poster? How about on their honeymoon or during their first job interview? Or does the monitoring magically disappear at 18?
My opinion is that as parents it's our job to raise self sufficient adults. Not to cage them in by not trusting them (and also not allowing them to screw up...there's value there too) and then thrusting them out into a world where no one cares if they party till 1am or spend the night at Bobby's house.
If we GPS them to death, never let them make decisions that might be wrong, and then force them to grow up and act independently...well how they are supposed to know how to do that?
Give them a curfew. Require good grades and respectable behavior. Expect them to answer the phone when you call. When they lie ground them and take away the damn phone. But don't infantilize them, you're not doing them or society any favors.
I think it is a far jump from using technology appropriately (and I am not sure the OP is doing that) to infantialize anyone.
I remember the exact same thing being said about baby monitors, and just about anything "new". I remember the same thing being said about cell phones themselves being given to teens not that long ago. Oh, and for the record, the FMI app, has been used by my daughter to see where I am as well. When I went to an academic meeting she was excited to see how thing went but wasn't sure exactly when I would be free and didn't want to risk making the phone ring or buzz during the meeting. So she turned it on and saw when I left the convention center. My best friend uses it with her young daughter all the time so they can "see" when daddy is on his way home (he works erratic hours) and she loves "seeing" him drive down their street.
Technology is not inherently bad. Parents and children, using technology, even GPS enabled technology is not inherently infantilizing them.
And finally, college age children are fundamentally not adults beyond much than the legal sense. Any parent who thinks an 18 yo no longer needs parenting is not really paying attention.
Still in agreement, but I think common sense evolves as a result of taking some risks and testing the boundaries. Sometimes you have to touch the hot stove to understand why it isn't such a good idea. If I had no faith in my kids' developed common sense, I would probably feel much differently, and want to monitor more closely.
I think we agree more than not.
You have to balance that faith in your kids with the fact that kids will inherently hide things from their parents. This is why they shouldn't have computers in their rooms, or social media you don't know the passwords for. GPS to make sure they "made it" to their destination (something my parents made me call home for even when I was in high school in the 90s), if anything it lets you let up on the reins even more. If they are running late, you don't have to call while they are driving. It is just a tool, and like any tool it is what you make of it.
And finally, college age children are fundamentally not adults beyond much than the legal sense. Any parent who thinks an 18 yo no longer needs parenting is not really paying attention.
See I just think you're wrong here. At 18 I lived 1000 miles from home (heck I went to school and lived in an apartment by myself in Europe when I was 17 and it was the 90s so not a million years ago) was a straight A college student, had a job, and needed my parents only for occasional advice. My husband was the same. At 18 you can fight and die for our country, own property, get married, you shouldn't need your mommy and daddy around monitoring you.
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