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My only point was that there were multiple people in this family to consider so calling it a "no brainer" wasn't really fair.
I guess my overwhelming thought wrt this whole thread is the vast number of people who think that this family of origin needs to completely rearrange their lives to "help" this daughter who
1. CHOSE not to use the BC to which she had access
2. CHOSE not to terminate
3. CHOSE not to put up for adoption
No Freaking Way would I ever cause the rest of my household to be responsible for one family member's bad choices.
How are you doing jersey719? Been thinking about you and your daughter.
Happy new year!
We are doing ok. Ironing out the kinks and trying to plan. Thank you for thinking of us. It's not easy or smooth but we are doing our best. I'm on her butt with getting school going or I should say keeping it going. The father to be is still very involved and they're working out things like immunizations and religion and things like that. It's nice to see them talking about it before the time is on them and then find they have strong differences of opinion.
The other girls have decided to share a room and she will take the one that her sister moves out of. It will be tight with the baby but it will work.
I do realize that I am the parent but never wanted to mandate changes for my other children based on their sister's choices. I think them coming to this decision on their own was the best possible outcome for them. I felt, as the parent that their lives shouldn't be forced to change due to something they had nothing to do with and was a choice.
I feel like that about myself also. My life will change only in ways that I want it to. I still have other kids to raise. The majority of responsibility will be on my daughter as it should be.
We will have many changes this year and are looking to them with a more positive attitude
I am hoping for a very happy new year and wish the same to you
All I've heard are excuses. My neighbors 16/17 year old just had a baby and the babies father, her boyfriend lives with them now. His wife sleeps on the couch, the baby and daughter and boyfriend sleep in the dining room. My neighbors grandmother is even currently staying with them and is sleeping in his daughters room.
They're making it work, you could too.
It's good they are making it work. There is no way I would have the boyfriend living with me. Their situation is very different as the mother of the baby is a minor. Not so in our case.
We will make it work and there will be rules and limits as far as we go as the grandparents. I will not be an enabler. I also will never allow the baby to suffer. The baby is truly innocent and had no choices.
I guess my overwhelming thought wrt this whole thread is the vast number of people who think that this family of origin needs to completely rearrange their lives to "help" this daughter who
1. CHOSE not to use the BC to which she had access
2. CHOSE not to terminate
3. CHOSE not to put up for adoption
No Freaking Way would I ever cause the rest of my household to be responsible for one family member's bad choices.
I would. It would involve not only my kid but a grandchild. No grandchild of mine would be tossed out onto the streets, certainly not as an infant.
This kind of family help can come with rules and can be quite temporary. More like giving a leg up, but the baby is a member of the family.
I would. It would involve not only my kid but a grandchild. No grandchild of mine would be tossed out onto the streets, certainly not as an infant.
This kind of family help can come with rules and can be quite temporary. More like giving a leg up, but the baby is a member of the family.
Luckily those are not the only two choices. If my child decided to make choices of that sort, I would certainly help her to the degree I could to live up to the responsibilities s/he has chosen. But I sure as hell would not sacrifice myself or the rest of my family in order to shield him or her from said choices.
In Cumberland County there's a home visiting service called Healthy Families it's a national program and all 21 NJ counties offer it. In Warren County I found this:
Warren County
Healthy Families
NORWESCAP/FACES
459 Center Street
Phillipsburg, NJ 08865
Phone: 908-213-2614
Fax: 908-213-2821
Website: [url=http://www.norwescap.org]Norwescap[/url]
Contact: Marti Apgar, Supervisor
Parents as Teachers
Cornerstone Family Services
62 Elm Street
Morristown, NJ 07960
Phone: 973-538-5260
Fax: 973-538-0989
Website: fsmc.org
Contact: June Trueax, Program Supervisor
Read through most of the thread and totally appreciate your evolution.
While your current game plan may not be the solution others would have chosen it seems to be the best for you and your family. Decisions made out of love, sound reasoning and the end in sight are often the most beneficial in my experience.
It will be interesting to see how this experience informs your younger daughters future life choices. I can only imagine that they will appreciate the love, support and sacrifice that has been extend by all and make their decisions accordingly.
I admit to not reading 79 pages, just skimming, but this could go either way.
In the end someone, somewhere is going to have to find out why she did what she did (get pregnant on purpose and insist on being a mom well before she is ready to be). It THAT isn't addressed she could be knocked up again in a year knowing she can live at home. I've seen it happen.
Ceece has a very good point here. I too have seen this happen,over and over, where the young single mother gets tons of help from her family, quickly gets pregnant AGAIN after the first baby. "I didn't know I could get pregnant yet so soon after the delivery!"
Honestly, Jersey, this is not the time to discuss it with your daughter, not until after she's delivered, but you should consider her being on Depo (once every three months injectable progesterone contraceptive) as a condition of her remaining in your household, or continuing to receive any further help from you. Wonderful as it is that everyone is coming together to allow her to have a baby as a single mother with no visible means of financial support, the fact is that she deliberately CHOSE to stop taking her contraceptive pill, then CHOSE not to abort, putting the rest of your family under great stress. She has behaved in an extremely selfish and immature manner, and there's no indicator of future behavior as reliable as past behavior. I have a feeling that if you look at her past behavior, you might find that there were some indicators that this was coming. If she's breastfeeding, she CAN use Depo. Give it some serious thought. It's the best thing for her, too, to not get pregnant again until she's got an education, a job, and a husband!
Last edited by parentologist; 01-19-2014 at 06:51 AM..
Unity, I have chosen Nana. I think I'm just too young to be Grandma. I also thought of Cool G but before the baby can truly pronounce words correctly, I think it may sound like Coochie and that just will NOT be good.
Parentologist, I completely agree with you and Ceece. There will certainly be discussion about BC and it won't be the pill. Unfortunately that's what I know the most about so she will need to do research on a more long term method because obviously the pill isn't an option for her. By her own experience.
She will find out how difficult it will be.
Our other children are very involved in competitive sports. We have to go away for a week this summer and generally she came with us or I had to take her to her own away events. We just planned for ours and she simply can't come. The baby will be too young so I just made the plans for the other kids and us.
As I've said before, I will use boundaries and limitations to the help we as a family will provide. I am well aware that when it becomes too easy, it can be repeated easily. I won't enable her to believe its easy. That's not to say I won't help though.
I didn't have any help and my husband worked a lot. I can remember going without showers and meals just because I didn't have time. I will help with things like that.
The majority of care and support is going to rest with her and the dad. That's the way it should be.
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Just a suggestion...
