How to deal with a pregnant teen (child support, breastfeeding, care)
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I read this thread back when you first posted it and hadn't been back again until now, so I missed a hundred and some odd pages in between.
I just wanted to say congratulations to you and your family on the birth of the baby and say what an amazing job you did as the mother of a teen with an unplanned pregnancy. Embracing it the way you did surely built the foundation for such a great outcome for everyone.
We did get a script for a breast pump before leaving the hospital today. I have to call the office in the morning to find out specifics.
I have to say both her and the baby are much happier now and she is getting more and more successful as the time goes by.
So happy for them both.
The first few days are really rough. (I remember breaking down in tears of what I thought was failure at day 2 - scared my hubby half to death!) I am very glad she worked through it....she's awesome!
Well they just finalized a very workable visitation schedule. They're both pleased and we will have it drawn up legally. I'm so thrilled they did that together.
He also told her he will buy supplies for the baby when she needs them. In addition to coming up with visitation for now, they both realized with him getting a job and when she returns to school, they will have to modify. She also told him if there are times when something comes up and he needs to swap a day, that will be ok too. But they plan to stick to the plan unless it's something major.
Parentologist, I'm a bit confused because that seems to contradict what my midwives told me - that your milk needs to be stimulated constantly in those first few weeks in order to increase supply. A bit of a suckle and then formula, how is that going to increase her supply to meet the baby's demands?
I didn't do that and did little breast time/supplementing and my first, the supply never built properly so went to formula. #2 was on the boob constantly (an easy feeder thank goodness) and built a great supply, both boys between 8-9.5lbs.
PS I used Newman's cream which is a prescription it actually works much better than lansinoh, but has to be prepared by a pharmacist.
You misunderstood me. I was only talking about the first three days or so, when there is no milk. At about 3-4 days along, a sudden hormonal shift occurs, and milk production begins. Then you need to let the baby feed as much as possible.
There are two excellent breastpumps on the market - the Medela Pump in Style, and the Purely Yours by Ameda. Any other pump is thrown out money, because they may not be strong enough to get milk out of mom. The Medela is $250-300. and the Purely Yours is $160-200.
I'm concerned that in an attempt to be "fair" to FOB, your daughter may be willing to be separated from the baby too early. The one she has to be "fair" to is the baby, and right now that baby needs to be with her mother 24/7. It's reasonable for her to go with FOB for a few hours long daytime visits, not overnight, at the age when she might be able to go to daycare - perhaps three months old, and only after FOB has shown himself capable of taking care of her during visits at your house. Until then, telling FOB that he is welcome to visit is generous. If your daughter is really nice, after she's recovered from the section, she can try going with FOB and the baby for a brief visit to his parents' home, so that the other side of the family can spend time with the baby. If they behave themselves, she can take her again. If they act like idiots, she doesn't have to ever do it again, and they can just wait until the baby is old enough for FOB to bring her over to see them.
She should be aware that what she gives now, voluntarily, will become the expected norm for the baby should they end up in court, whether she likes what's happening at FOB's parents' house, or not. So she should be very, very cautious about setting up any schedule that includes overnight visits just yet, because if she wants to decrease visitation, she's going to have an uphill battle.
Although I'm glad to hear that FOB has offered to provide material things "when the baby needs them", your daughter still needs to go file for support! That baby needs a support order in place, not a bag of diapers dropped off once in a while, when FOB can spare it out of his pocket money. Your daughter should not have to ask FOB to buy stuff for the baby. Let the court take care of it. Essentially, what he's saying is, "I'll provide for my daughter. Just don't go to court to get it legally mandated." If he really intended to provide for her, he would not have any problem about getting it legally mandated via the court.
I know that you and your husband will make sure that the baby has everything that she needs. But you have to consider your other children - they are your first financial obligation, above your adult daughter who has chosen to have a baby before she has the means to support it, while she is completely financially dependent upon you. From your posts, it sounds like you're not wealthy people. You sound like middle class people with finite financial resources. Your utility bills will go up - babies make a HUGE amount of laundry. Someone has to pay for transportation that gets the baby to the doctor - and they go a lot in the first year. Diapers alone will be about $120/month! Then there's clothing, baby equipment, childcare (and if your daughter is figuring that she's not going to daycare, there's the lost income of whoever in the family is staying home to provide that free care) - the list goes on and on. Your daughter would be much smarter to simply go to court and file for support, to head off the inevitable arguments - "Why do you need me to buy the expensive diapers - the cheap ones are just as good", (even though the baby gets diaper rash from the cheap ones). "She already has two outfits - why do you need me to buy her more?" (even though they outgrow clothing every two weeks, and need a dozen changes of clothing, because they spit up and soil them constantly). She can always tell him that Medicaid and WIC insisted on it, since the state is supporting the baby. If she just goes to file, then it's over and done with, and there won't be any more arguments about it. I've seen mothers who were afraid to go file for support because the FOBs threaten them. She should not let it get to any such bad point. She should just go file ASAP, and let the court handle it. He won't be mandated to pay much, since he doesn't work, but it will set a clear precedent, and start training him in paying support for his daughter. Right now, he sounds like he's desperately trying to avoid a support order, and I cannot blame him. When he finishes welding school, he could make as much as 100,000/year, and have to pay a significant amount of child support. If your daughter doesn't file for support, she's essentially pushing the financial burden of raising her child onto you, to the detriment of her younger sisters.
parentologist, The baby isn't going to be a huge financial drain to the detriment of her other daughters. Even if she is, it's not much different than if Jersey became pregnant later in life. Families do what families need to do.
But I do agree it's bullcrap that he is going to give her what the baby needs. He'd rather buy things than give money. Meanwhile, there will be additional expenses that actually require money. Like the difference between a one and two bedroom apartment, childcare, etc.. And he's not going to be able to deliver diapers and baby food when she moves further away with Jersey's family.
I sense that Jersey is perfectly content forgoing child support because she's takes comfort in his name not being on the birth certificate. As long as there isn't a paternity test, Jersey's daughter and granddaughter can move wherever Jersey's family decides to move.
Jersey has very strong opinions about not wanting child support forced based on her experience. Sure, mother's shouldn't depend upon child support, but not getting child support is a big mistake for a mother who doesn't have a career. Without child support, the granddaughter is destine to be raised in poverty for quite a while. Jersey's ideals about child support is setting her daughter up for a hard road. It's interesting that she won't guide her daughter in major ways, but she will influence her about this huge financial decision.
Is it even possible to get subsidized childcare without a father on the birth certificate and child support to report as income for subsidy calculations? I don't know. What I do know is Jersey isn't available to provide childcare during the day, and her daughter won't be earning enough income to pay for it while she's attending school. Without child support and welfare, how much time is Jersey's daughter going to be able to spend with her baby if she's going to college full time and needing to work to compensate for not having child support? I guarantee the younger siblings will resent having to be babysitters on a permanent scheduled basis as an economic solution. These are all important questions that surround paternity and child support that I don't think anyone has considered might be potential problems.
No way. I do not force my opinions of child support on her at all. We do not have infinite resources but we can handle helping out here for her.
They together decided on a visitation schedule. She isn't going to his house for anything for some time. After the parents found out about the birth certificate they stopped visiting at the hospital. What they do is none of my daughter's concern. She doesn't want to file for anything yet. They want to work this out on their own.
There is no welder starting out that makes 100k. That won't be for many years. Many, many years. And you need to be in a specialty. My husband is a specialty welder and it took him over 20 years to even get into a company for good money. He is the best in his field and now in high demand but it takes loads of time to get there. It's one of those fields that just take practice to get good. Kind of like cosmetology. No one comes out making big bucks.
He was given an offer for a test for a job starting at $13 an hour. That's about right coming out of school.
Believe me if their agreements do not work out she will take it further. They need to try and be parents. They need to handle the big things themselves. Parenting is no small feat. My daughter is learning that there are many concerns and financial considerations.
Trust me, in no way will we allow the baby to suffer. We will allow our daughter to try and figure this all out though. It's possible to do.
Her school has child care and she will look into it and see what it all entails.
Her job needs to be worked out. It's possible she may have to switch to nights and go to school more during the day instead of the other way around. I'm trying to teach her to plan ahead but take one thing at a time. You cannot worry about everything at once. You will drive yourself nuts.
Tackle one thing at a time. Right now it's the breast pump.
It will get there. Believe me if he doesn't do his part in the financial care, she will do whatever she needs to do.
My opinions about child support orders are my opinions.
Their visitation schedule as is, it's a great thing. It also sets up for the future. It will be ok. I'm pretty confident.
It will all work out -- with ups and downs like everything. You really can't waste your time worrying -- somethings aren't yours to change anyhow -- you just have to be a doting grandparent now.
It will all work out -- with ups and downs like everything. You really can't waste your time worrying -- somethings aren't yours to change anyhow -- you just have to be a doting grandparent now.
Thank you so much. I really am having fun just doing the fun stuff and loving her like crazy. I forgot how sweet it was to just cuddle a newborn. Such precious times.
No way. I do not force my opinions of child support on her at all. We do not have infinite resources but we can handle helping out here for her.
They together decided on a visitation schedule. She isn't going to his house for anything for some time. After the parents found out about the birth certificate they stopped visiting at the hospital. What they do is none of my daughter's concern. She doesn't want to file for anything yet. They want to work this out on their own.
There is no welder starting out that makes 100k. That won't be for many years. Many, many years. And you need to be in a specialty. My husband is a specialty welder and it took him over 20 years to even get into a company for good money. He is the best in his field and now in high demand but it takes loads of time to get there. It's one of those fields that just take practice to get good. Kind of like cosmetology. No one comes out making big bucks.
He was given an offer for a test for a job starting at $13 an hour. That's about right coming out of school.
Believe me if their agreements do not work out she will take it further. They need to try and be parents. They need to handle the big things themselves. Parenting is no small feat. My daughter is learning that there are many concerns and financial considerations.
Trust me, in no way will we allow the baby to suffer. We will allow our daughter to try and figure this all out though. It's possible to do.
Her school has child care and she will look into it and see what it all entails.
Her job needs to be worked out. It's possible she may have to switch to nights and go to school more during the day instead of the other way around. I'm trying to teach her to plan ahead but take one thing at a time. You cannot worry about everything at once. You will drive yourself nuts.
Tackle one thing at a time. Right now it's the breast pump.
It will get there. Believe me if he doesn't do his part in the financial care, she will do whatever she needs to do.
My opinions about child support orders are my opinions.
Their visitation schedule as is, it's a great thing. It also sets up for the future. It will be ok. I'm pretty confident.
I understand your stance and I get why your daughter doesn't want to "rock the boat" per say, since things are going relatively well right now. However, if she wants aid of any kind (child care Assistance, WIC, SNAP food stamps, even some school loans for low income single mothers) then she will be required to prove she has gotten support from him or tried to. It isn't about punishment or anything negative towards him. He needs to understand that too. Anything she applies for as "low income" she will be required to include HIS wages and financial resources. I was on WIC and food stamps for a short time after my daughter was born. When I applied for it I had to include his finances. And if you are not together/married, you are required to prove you went after him for support through the courts before any state or federal government will give you aid or any sort. This will effect her and the baby along with her schooling.
If you don't go after him for child support, they will.
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