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They have to realise their mistakes have consequences
They'll realize that soon enough anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThomasX51
In this case being homeless.
They'll probably qualify for subsidized housing, which should be a rude awakening if they grew up wanting for nothing. Take them for a drive through the projects so they can get an idea of where they can afford to live.
Based on what I've seen of pregnant teenagers, she's probably in la la land thinking it's going to be wonderful.
Well thats the other possibility. None of us know how she is feeling so maybe the OP will find that out when she talks to her. If she is thinking it will be wonderful then she needs to hear the harsh truth that it will be extremely difficult but in either case she needs the support of her parents, if not for her own sake then for the baby's sake.
Explain to your daughter that there is nothing mature, or responsible about having a child you can't afford. She will never gain a sense of independence while raising a child at the tax payer's expense. Having a child at her age would be like taking a vow of poverty.
Other people have already pointed out that this is a pregnant adult. You can't tell her what she has to do, all you can do is refuse to provide financial support or a place to live.
These are really emotional days for you. You've clearly got a lot of baggage that's making you see the situation differently than some people might. Don't make a decision right now that you will regret for years...if she leaves and you don't see her or the baby again until the baby is a teenager, or you never see them again, can you live with that?
It's easy to love your kid when she's doing everything right, it's a lot harder to love them when they've made a mistake...but that's when she needs you the most. In all honesty, if she got married and her husband moved into her bedroom, they wouldn't occupy any more space in the house than she does by herself. If it meant they could afford to finish their schooling and would move out at the same time you had expected your daughter to graduate and move out, wouldn't you still have that bedroom empty at the same time you were expecting it to empty? That's what I would do for my daughter if she got pregnant, try to get her through school and keep her life on track...if it meant my budget was stretched for a couple of years by having to buy diapers and baby stuff, so be it.
Some of you have gotten the impression that I think I raised an irresponsible child. Well you are spot on. I do think that.
As I said before. My own mom was 19 when she had me. I did not have a good life and suffered a lot as a result. I tried to do everything differently than my own mother did. I raised my kids with this: do nothing my mom did and everything she didn't. Somehow that hasn't worked either. I never had my head in the sand. I got her bc two years ago to try and avoid this. We went to the doc together and discussed the options. Her and the doc decided that the pill was her best option.
After sleeping on this for two nights now, I am going to talk with them tomorrow and spell out their options. This is their decision and their battle. I can only be there for emotional support. That is it and I will be clear.
I am positively heartbroken over this.
I feel like she is my mom all over again. My mom resented me. I can't tell you how many times I heard how I ruined her life or was shown her c section scar and told that I did that to her.
I don't have the luxury of being able to stay home with the baby while they work or go to school. I have to work full time. This is what they will have to figure out.
This is their life. Not mine. They will have to live with their choices. I will be sure that baby doesn't suffer. I could never allow that. It didn't ask to be brought into the world.
I am sure that you are angry and disappointed. As the mother of a 18 year old son I can only imagine how I would be feeling right now if he were facing dropping out of school and supporting a child.
I do think, however, that you can love and support your daughter without financially supporting them. I don't recommend trying to urge her to have an abortion; you may find she resents you years later. Present it as a possibility - absolutely. She needs you right now - probably more than ever.
It is certainly not unheard of for a 19 year old girl to have a baby. It is not impossible to work OR go to school while pregnant. Millions of women do it every day.
Be firm so that they know the realities of what may come. But please do let her know that you love her. IF she does have that baby, I'm sure you are going to want to be part of the baby's life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aliss2
She's not your mother either. Be careful about projecting. Lots of us had teenage mothers and our mothers were fine. Any mother who blames her child for ruining her life or a section scar is not a very nice person, but that's not necessarily due to age. That's just being a jerk, and being a jerk knows no age.
19 is young, but 19 is not 14 either. Plenty of women are married, have okay jobs, and raise proper families at that age. If even you don't have faith in her to step up and be a good mother, then who will?
At least give her a chance before you write her off.
Agree 100%. If the two love each other and are willing to get married . . . love and support them! Emotionally - not necessarily financially.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natsku
I think the most important thing you can do is support her emotionally whatever decision she makes. She is an adult and it is her decision to make. Don't encourage (or discourage) them to marry. If you really won't let her stay in your home then make that clear in as gentle a way as possible. She is probably absolutely terrified right now and tough love is not the answer (in my opinion).
Agree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThomasX51
She wasn't terrified when she spread her legs. She will try to manipulate them into letting her stay and living like a leech. Toughness is what she needs most right now.
Immature and strongly disagree. Drive her away FOREVER is what can also happen.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natsku
Tough love won't make her go back in time and not get pregnant. Tough love will only drive her and the future grandchild away.
Why would she have to sit out for a semester? My friend aly's baby had a crud load of medical issues, and she kept going. She would also be covered until she was 26. I'm pretty sure that college doesn't factor in with that anymore, but I'm not 100 percent. Regardless, she would still get medicaid if she was dropped.
The resulting child is not covered under mom's insurance. Go get on Medicaid? Wow but I guess...
The child is due 18 days before graduation. Will OP's daughter start the next semester knowing this? That would mean that OP's daughter will have to deliver and be in class for finals or successfully arrange finals with 4-6 professors/lectures. Even one saying no would be the end for OP's daughter.
Btw, I had a child in college in Jan. I had to sign out AMA to register for classes. I know that this can be done but it looks like OP's daughter is due toward the end of the semester. Very difficult circumstances here.
Other people have already pointed out that this is a pregnant adult. You can't tell her what she has to do, all you can do is refuse to provide financial support or a place to live.
These are really emotional days for you. You've clearly got a lot of baggage that's making you see the situation differently than some people might. Don't make a decision right now that you will regret for years...if she leaves and you don't see her or the baby again until the baby is a teenager, or you never see them again, can you live with that?
It's easy to love your kid when she's doing everything right, it's a lot harder to love them when they've made a mistake...but that's when she needs you the most. In all honesty, if she got married and her husband moved into her bedroom, they wouldn't occupy any more space in the house than she does by herself. If it meant they could afford to finish their schooling and would move out at the same time you had expected your daughter to graduate and move out, wouldn't you still have that bedroom empty at the same time you were expecting it to empty? That's what I would do for my daughter if she got pregnant, try to get her through school and keep her life on track...if it meant my budget was stretched for a couple of years by having to buy diapers and baby stuff, so be it.
Good advise.
I had friends from high school that got married at age 19 - not pregnant - their parents were happy for them, his parents were sending him to college any way so they got to live in married housing, 10 months after the wedding day, they had their first child.
He said having a family made him more stable, other students partied, he studied and worked part time, she worked and they made it. Their kids are older now, they're still married.
It doesn't mean let them shack up in your home and lay around playing video games, it just means continuing to love and provide a bit of support. A room in your home that she already occupies isn't going to cost extra. They should pay some rent.
The fact that they're young just means they might need a bit more parental support and encouragement to stay together and raise their child. I see no reason to toss her out --- that's a sure way to make sure she fails. If it were me, I'd tell her how much I'd like to see her finish her education. I'd want her to give a marriage a chance because even if it doesn't work, it might work and gives the baby the best chances to have two parents.
Lots of people with kids take classes and of course work.
Some of you have gotten the impression that I think I raised an irresponsible child. Well you are spot on. I do think that.
I don't think you raised an irresponsible child -- or at least I'd have to know your daughter first hand to decide what I thought she was. Either way, the important thing is for this young couple to become more responsible.
It's okay for you to be heartbroken, but you should realize this isn't the worst thing in the world by far that could happen -- life isn't always perfect. There are far worst things, some people lose their children to accidents, cancer, drug addiction --- they'd love to trade places with you.
Your mother probably lacked support and love. For her having her first child was made into the most miserable time but it doesn't have to be that way.
Partly it's the whole shock of it. Things will settle down in a few months. You may end up adoring your grandchild. Your other kids will also learn that while babies are cute, they are work and they may choose to wait until they're older. I think it's a very good idea to make sure they both know they're going to have to provide the financial support of their child, at least the bulk of it. At the very least they both need to be working toward that goal.
I became pregnant at 17. When I told my family, they thought the best thing was to marry the father; except for one aunt who told me that if I wasn't ready to get married, I didn't have to. She offered to let me move to her town and have the baby and give it up for adoption. I should have listened. Five years and three children later, the marriage was so intolerable that I fled.
Eventually met a good man who took my kids as his own, supported us and helped me to forget the misery of the past. I wouldn't trade my children for anything, but it would have been better to have waited until I was more stable in my life before having them.
I hope that this can be resolved to everyone's satisfaction. It isn't easy and it won't get easier. While it seems right now to be an insurmountable obstacle in your lives, the sun will rise tomorrow and the Earth will keep spinning. And your daughter will still be your daughter. Love her.
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