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Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
Longest password ever.
The world’s longest password. Her password is “MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto“, and when asked why she had chosen such a long password, one which uses mainly the names of cartoon characters, she reportedly said “DUH, it said I needed to make it at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital!“
There's a magician who works his show on a cruise ship.
After a while, the captain's parrot understands how the magician does every trick and starts shouting, "Look, it's not the same hat," He's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician is furious, but can't do anything against the captain's parrot.
Then the ship sinks, and the magician and the parrot find themselves on a piece of wood, staring at each other with hatred. This goes on for days.
Finally, the parrot can't hold back: "Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
A WOMAN, in a movie theater noticed that the man
in front of her was sitting next to a large dog.
Throughout the film, the man would lean over
and whisper to the dog and the dog would nod
in response.
Not only that, but funny scenes elicited from
the dog a noise that sounded like laughter.
The dog even whimpered at the sad ending.
The woman leaned forward and said,
“Excuse me, sir, but I just can’t get over
your dog’s behavior.”
“Frankly, neither can I,” the man replied.
“He hated the book.”
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's privates.
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired fellow about his physical activity level.
He said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical;
I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I barely avoided stepping on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I went to the bathroom behind some big trees.
I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered
At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor guy!"
"No," he replied, "I'm just a really, really lousy golfer!
Some "Ironic" things... thanks to musical comedian Bo Burnham!
- I believe in the Zodiac... yea... I'm a Leo.... I love Titanic!
- Here's something morbidly ironic... my grandmother was a Cancer and she was actually killed by...... a giant crab.
- My dog's stomach was really upset so we got in the car and took him to the vet, and on our way we killed a cat.
- I adopted a child from overseas to rescue him from working in child labor factories. On his very first birthday we took him to Build-A-Bear Workshop!
- A water park has burned to the ground!
- A tow truck has broken down!
- I used to always cry when I laugh.... and then I was raped by a clown!
- I dated an animal rights activist and one day she got really pi$$ed because I was eating veal that was wrapped in "Pita" bread...... get it.... PETA! HA!
- I'm a stand up comic and yet I always sit and slouch
- I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles "pull out" couch!
- If everyday you play the board game RISK you've probably never taken a risk in your life!
- MONOPOLY has far from a stranglehold on the board game market!
- And a little kid died from suffocation when he choked on a game piece from OPERATION
- Bob Barker got all my pets pregnant..
- My grandfather has Alzheimer's and one day we were..............................................
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