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Ah, so now we get to what this is about. It's time once again for our quarterly let's-bash-the-suburbs-by-claiming-everybody-there-is-unfriendly silliness. Ho hum. Well, you're entitled to your opinion. It's annoying that now I have to waste my time again on this BS. One of these days I'll dig up all the threads we've had on this dead horse and keep them in a handy file so I can just cut and paste. Meanwhile, since I haven't done that yet, I guess I have to waste my time writing a reply so that we don't mislead people who are trying to move here.
I'm really sorry that some people apparently have a hard time making friends after they move here. This seems to be a problem in every city (just read the forums and see how often this comes up). However, IMO it's ridiculous to blame this on suburbs or to say things like "this goes across most environments" since obviously quite a few people don't have problem making friends. But hey, don't let actual experiences from the people who live here get in the way of a good rant!
Speaking about the threads we've had on this before, the result is always the same. The same 2-3 people will claim everybody is soooo unfriendly. Then at least 10-12 others will say they live in the suburbs and have had no problem making friends. They'll try to give suggestions, which (of course) are ignored. So, sorry if I'm a bit bored but enough already. If you want to make friends, try some of the suggestions that people have given. If that doesn't work for you, I'm sorry but the typical experience here is most people figure out ways to make friends.
I agree with you, Normie. I've known people who have moved to the types of small towns that some people here look at nostalgically, where everyone grew up there, and find that they are looked at with suspicion and not quite accepted because they are always seen as "outsiders."
When my children were small, I had a relative comment enviously about how my neighbors and I would cook dinner for families who had a new baby and trade babysitting, because her "neighborhood" didn't do that. I asked if she had ever taken the initiative to cook dinner for any of her neighbors when they had new babies and she said no -- because "her neighborhood" didn't do that. Of course if she had taken the initiative, others would have responded and reciprocated. But it was "the neighborhood's" fault that she didn't .
We're unusual in that we're transplants from out of state who have only been here 4 years, and we have no ties to the area (no family or friends here).
Actually that is more usual than unusual here! If you were to survey the membership of this board, you would find that almost everyone is or was a transplant with no family when they first arrived here.
I agree with you, Normie. I've known people who have moved to the types of small towns that some people here look at nostalgically, where everyone grew up there, and find that they are looked at with suspicion and not quite accepted because they are always seen as "outsiders."
This is a big generalization, but small towns (<15,000 people) are the worst for making friends. People hang out with others that they've grown up with and don't bother making new friends. They wouldn't have the social skills to anyway. I formerly thought that NOVA was great for meeting people because of all the transients, but that was when I spent my time closer in towards DC. Not so in the MWCOG membership area west of Tysons, but south of the Potomac.
<<Since I have lived here a long time, I can add to what happens when you do stay. Once you make friends, they'll move away. Either out of state or to another part of the Metro area where it's just not feasible to see them very often. Or, they're situation will change like getting married and they won't see you any more (this will involve moving too). Over time, you'll go through pockets of friends. One day you'll realize how superficial your relationships were and that although you've hung out with zillions of people, it didn't amount to much. Sometimes you'll try to reconnect. Often, they won't be available when ou try.
I know several people who have family that will fly in from overseas and stay for extended periods of time. These people probably want the down time after such a visit. So basically people live next to you but are in another world. They're only here for the money anyway.>.
This is *exactly* what I have been observing for years in NoVA.
I've been here a long time. I have many acquaintences here, two close friends here and the rest of my friends live in other states and those friendships stem from relationships that began when I was still in school, in other words, teen and college years.
Here are some random comments and observations about the area that I hear and read:
"the place is soul-less"
"you want a friend in the dc area?...get a dog"
" people come here to make money, then they leave'
Whatever, why do you think we have the infrastructure problems in NoVA?:
*short sighted thinking and planning* because nobody plans to stay here for that long.
In order to have a true community, the people have to invest in it. People do not invest here, they simply live to gratify near term needs and wants.
You also see it in the local businesses, few independents, mostly chains.
I doubt it's unique to NoVA, I assume the suburbs of Atlanta and similar cities are the same.
And another thing, with the advent of technology, it's way easier to connect with new people.
I suspect it's more an issue of truly connecting with the kind of people you enjoy being with - and maybe those kind of people are difficult to run into around here.
My neighbors are cool, but we seem to have little in common, maybe because I try to discuss something other than my deck or refuse to engage in gossip.
After reading all the replies to this thread, I felt compelled to offer my one-cent, cause I don't even have two on the subject! My boyfriend (!), daughter and I moved here in August and I think our most common topic of conservation is how we don't have friends and how the hell can we make some? I grew up in Delaware, lived there my whole life, but even when I left I only had three people I would call my friends. I had my daughter when I was 19 and kept a couple people close and didn't associate with those I had known for a long time for a variety of reasons, mainly because I went back to college after I had her and only made the effort to spend time with people who had kids my daughters age at the time. .
Next issue is that of my boyfriend. Since we moved here, we have started referring to each other as fiance because they see my daughter (who is NOT his), and how young we are (I'm almost 25, he is 28), and get very scary appalled faces when I use the boyfriend term.. so awkward. In Delaware, its extremely common place for people to have kids at a young age, get married/divorced/remarried/etc. before they're 30... completely different lifestyle. I don't see many young parents here, and certainly haven't met any yet. Ive been to a PTA meeting, signed my daughter up for Girl Scouts and go to those meetings, and chit chat with parents at the bus stop (all of the above are in their mid-30s to mid-40s). I'm not the happy housewife stay-at-home-mom bake cookies and have 5 kids type at all, I should add... I'm the complete opposite..
I am itching for some social interaction, but find myself bored to tears with my eyes rolling back in my head anytime I come into contact with adults here. I'm probably not painting a good picture, but I felt compelled to tell my story and ask my burning question. Where the hell are the young, still like to have fun (maybe even *gasp* party occasionally) parents who are still GOOD parents and DO care very much about BEING good parents?? Compounded by the fact that we are lacking a)money and b)babysitting to go to bars or out anywhere, period.. I am STUMPED!
To answer AG above, my experience has always been the same. You have to get out a lot and take initiative to follow up with people. Normie's lists are just as good as anywhere to start. Someone also mentioned political groups. People can be pretty cohesive in those, but it depends. Get used to going to meetings and being ingored. If you have a great skill in an area, though, people will worship you. Emails are ignored by most people it seems. (Phone is better, but doesn't make so much of a difference. In person is golden.) You have an advantage being a woman because men love to talk to pretty young women, and women like to talk to women too.
Get used to not being at home a lot of nights, getting up early on weekends to go to things, and sacrificing your schedule. If a group is bad, just bail. There are tons of groups and lots of chapters. Once you get hooked into a group, you can find that there's too much to do and too many people.
As mentioned, over time there will be tons of friend attrition, so you have to make a point to keep making friends and keeping in touch. Most friends are very superficial here and dump you like a convenience item when an better offer comes along. (You might catch yourself doing the same thing.) It's just too easy to replace people here.
Best things to get involved with are projects that don't end. That way you have constant interaction. Groups need lots of volunteers. Becoming an officer is the best. Invite coworkers out to lunch.
Main thing is don't let really rude behavior bother you. You can talk right at people and they'll just ignore you. But if you evoke a need in these Machiavellites here such as having a position, a skill, or just being good looking, people will flock around you. Determining if they're just users -- as most are here -- is the most difficult part.
<<Since I have lived here a long time, I can add to what happens when you do stay. Once you make friends, they'll move away. Either out of state or to another part of the Metro area where it's just not feasible to see them very often. Or, they're situation will change like getting married and they won't see you any more (this will involve moving too). Over time, you'll go through pockets of friends. One day you'll realize how superficial your relationships were and that although you've hung out with zillions of people, it didn't amount to much. Sometimes you'll try to reconnect. Often, they won't be available when ou try.
I know several people who have family that will fly in from overseas and stay for extended periods of time. These people probably want the down time after such a visit. So basically people live next to you but are in another world. They're only here for the money anyway.>.
This is *exactly* what I have been observing for years in NoVA.
I've been here a long time. I have many acquaintences here, two close friends here and the rest of my friends live in other states and those friendships stem from relationships that began when I was still in school, in other words, teen and college years.
Here are some random comments and observations about the area that I hear and read:
"the place is soul-less"
"you want a friend in the dc area?...get a dog"
" people come here to make money, then they leave'
Whatever, why do you think we have the infrastructure problems in NoVA?:
*short sighted thinking and planning* because nobody plans to stay here for that long.
In order to have a true community, the people have to invest in it. People do not invest here, they simply live to gratify near term needs and wants.
You also see it in the local businesses, few independents, mostly chains.
I doubt it's unique to NoVA, I assume the suburbs of Atlanta and similar cities are the same.
And another thing, with the advent of technology, it's way easier to connect with new people.
I suspect it's more an issue of truly connecting with the kind of people you enjoy being with - and maybe those kind of people are difficult to run into around here.
My neighbors are cool, but we seem to have little in common, maybe because I try to discuss something other than my deck or refuse to engage in gossip.
In the last 24 hrs. I was treated very rudely at a social event by a club officer. When my (very minor) status become known, he was effusively friendly towards me. Then I was stood up by a guy that I had plans with. I had to call him when enough time passed to appear that he wasn't coming. He was very nice about it. If you met this guy, you would ignore me and hover around him. He is just SO nice. I keep my word even at my own expense, but this guy, well, this guy is great. You'd hire him for a job in a jiffy. _THAT'S_ NOVA, and DC.
In the last 24 hrs. I was treated very rudely at a social event by a club officer. When my (very minor) status become known, he was effusively friendly towards me. Then I was stood up by a guy that I had plans with. I had to call him when enough time passed to appear that he wasn't coming. He was very nice about it. If you met this guy, you would ignore me and hover around him. He is just SO nice. I keep my word even at my own expense, but this guy, well, this guy is great. You'd hire him for a job in a jiffy. _THAT'S_ NOVA, and DC.
Actually that is more usual than unusual here! If you were to survey the membership of this board, you would find that almost everyone is or was a transplant with no family when they first arrived here.
I resemble that remark and I'm sure there are a bunch of folks who work at the Pentagon and for the govt. in DC who do too.
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