How Do You Make Friends in NOVA? (Fairfax: home, school)

[SFean]

Originally Posted by normie

So this isn't about finding friends for yourself, this is about asking other people if they have friends? To be honest, this sounds a bit too personal. LOL, I'm sure you mean well (and don't take this the wrong way), but usually when someone starts asking questions about my friends, it turns out they're an Amway salesman and they want to sell me something (or they want me to sell something to my friends).

However, since I'm not prone to sales pitches I guess I can answer your question--I have lots of friends, more than I can really spend time with right now. I have lots of friends because I've lived here for a while and I do a lot of activities. I've met them from a variety of places, and people tend to introduce you to their other friends, so the circle is always growing. Lately I'm declining opportunities to meet new people. It has nothing to do with not liking them--I just don't have time for any more new friends.

Normie, I think you have lots of friends because you are a friendly person.

[FairfaxGuy73]

Originally Posted by SFean

Normie, I think you have lots of friends because you are a friendly person.

Actually, she provided a very helpful answer to one of my questions. A person could meet someone who is friendly and then wonder why they don't answer your e-mails when you ask if they want to do something. Little did you know that, hey, this person has tons of friends and kind of wishes that you would leave them alone.

How would you know? You might just scratch your head and wonder why so many people are unfriendly in the true sense of not wanting to make friends. That's why the few instances of feedback to this thread have been helpful.

This is not about said individual, but after thinking about this, I believe that:

1) most people in this area are selfish and only make friends to fulfill needs, then ingone others. they are not truly friendly, but objective-driven.

2) they tend to make friends that can help them in the most Machiavellian sense such as jobs or power, but they do it as a matter of habit just like aggressive driving when there is no real need for it

This is one of the most aggressive power-jockying regions in the country. It's difficult to get into an environment where people aren't positioning for power in some way. I've seen a gazillion tactics used. One is for people to locate the most important person in the room. If someone is talking to someone, they bust into the conversation, then slowly put their back to the first person so that they are entirely kicked out of the conversation. A reverse is to quietly wait for others who are not useful to leave a room so that they aren't burdened with them, then slink over to a person of importance.

[chariega]

I don't think most people here are selfish (though a lot are) but they usually are looking for that instant connection/gratification and if they don't feel it instantaneously, they shut down.

I went to a school mentioned in this thread and had a built-in network of Hokies, ummm, people to connect with from college which helped I have made plenty of other friends, through work, dating (when I used to date) and going out and just being the cool person I am. What I have learned in this area is to not force friendships or relationships. Find people you vibe with perhaps at work, dating, going out, social groups like dancing, hiking, etc. You'd be surprised at how many cool people there are around town by finding a special interest group online.

I've found this area is a bit harder to make friends through traditional ways sometimes (i.e., market, the metro, etc.) usually people looking to make friends randomly that way only have romantic interests around here.

[Caladium]

Originally Posted by FairfaxGuy73

This is one of the most aggressive power-jockying regions in the country. It's difficult to get into an environment where people aren't positioning for power in some way. I've seen a gazillion tactics used. One is for people to locate the most important person in the room. If someone is talking to someone, they bust into the conversation, then slowly put their back to the first person so that they are entirely kicked out of the conversation. A reverse is to quietly wait for others who are not useful to leave a room so that they aren't burdened with them, then slink over to a person of importance.

Maybe you need to look for friends in different places? You're not going to see power-jockeying at a neighborhood book club. If you want to avoid power games one place I really recommend is volunteering for the fire department.

[Caladium]

Originally Posted by chariega

What I have learned in this area is to not force friendships or relationships. Find people you vibe with perhaps at work, dating, going out, social groups like dancing, hiking, etc. You'd be surprised at how many cool people there are around town by finding a special interest group online.

There's a lot of truth in this paragraph. I really like what you said about not forcing it--that just drives people away from you. Also, I totally agree about finding special interest groups online. There are hundreds of them around here. A hiking or running group would be a good place to make friends, IMO.

[normie]

Originally Posted by SFean

Normie, I think you have lots of friends because you are a friendly person.

Thank you, what a nice thing to say. I try to be friendly, although I have my grouchy days like everyone else. I'm sorry I was a bit irritable yesterday. I guess my nose got out of joint what I was told my advice wasn't wanted, LOL. Silly of me, I forgot that sometimes it's best to just stand back and let people gripe, without wanting to offer solutions all the time.

Anyway, after a little reflection I realized one important value of a thread like this: It's a reminder that before anyone gets too excited about moving here (or anywhere, for that matter), remember that there's a lot to be said for staying where you are. Think about the things you may be leaving behind, like an established network of friends.

Yes, you'll be gaining a job and there are a lot of positive aspects to moving to this area. But, think twice about the pros AND the cons. Is it worth leaving behind your friends? Maybe you'll make new friends, but be prepared that you might not make friends as easily as you wish. It's not true for everyone, but it could be true for you (and sometimes it's just a matter of bad luck or bad timing, not because of anything you're doing wrong.)

[normie]

Originally Posted by Caladium

Maybe you need to look for friends in different places? You're not going to see power-jockeying at a neighborhood book club. If you want to avoid power games one place I really recommend is volunteering for the fire department.

Also, if you want to avoid power games I recommend Toastmasters. I was active with 2 groups for a little more than 3 years and was impressed by the encouragement everyone is given. Because everyone takes turns speaking, you learn a lot about each other and it's fairly easy to make friends there. I was invited to quite a few parties by people I met.

Now to be honest, only one of those people turned out to be a lifelong friendship--when I left Toastmasters I lost touch with most of the people I knew. But for the time that I was there, I felt happy with the friends I was making and I never encountered the sort of power jockeys you might find in other settings. I would try both a corporate group and a community group, to see which is more appealing to you. (They have very different feelings to them. The community groups tend to be more relaxed and social.)

[FairfaxGuy73]

Originally Posted by Caladium

Maybe you need to look for friends in different places? You're not going to see power-jockeying at a neighborhood book club. If you want to avoid power games one place I really recommend is volunteering for the fire department.

Wow, you have to run into burning houses just to get away from the Machiavellites. It's probably worth it. Anyhow, I'm sorry if I offended anyone by shunning their advice. This is just about in interest in a mind-set rather than advice on clubs. I also didn't mean to be so negative on folks in the region, but now that I'm on the topic...

I do group a lot of it by geography. I was in a Fairfax County club that was a save the world altruistic cause. Some people had jobs on the topic, and boy did they think they were hot stuff. You didn't need to ask who worked in the field, it was on their faces. Then there were the girls who though they were good looking. What passes for average and less on K Street is primidonna stuff in Fairfax County.

So basically there were the "status" people and those who cluttered around them. One unassuming guy who everyone ignored surprised everyone with a deep knowlege in the area. I sat next to him and talked to him frequently, but you could tell there was never any real connection.

Anyhow, after his knowledge became known, everyone cluttered around the guy. One primadonna girl flirted with him, and you'd subtly notice him doing things for her all the time. (She even confided in me that she did this kind of thing to gain certain things.) Anyow, I couldn't stand the place. After I quit going, one of tne of the "friends" that I had made stopped returning emails. Not a chapter member, not useful.

I went to a meeting with this same group but one on the fringes of NOVA. People talked to me without knowing whether I was important or not. I was accepted right away and even got an offer to work on a project outside of the chapter. Totally different.

People moving to the area should probably know that they're stepping into a very me-first aggressive environment. But since so many are from the Northeast and contribute to this horrible culture, there shouldn't be much of a shock to them.

[Middlin]

so you were interested in the mind set of people on this forum and this confirmed your impression of "me first aggressive types"?

I would hope that the responses you got confirmed that you need to widen the net

[FairfaxGuy73]

Originally Posted by Middlin

so you were interested in the mind set of people on this forum and this confirmed your impression of "me first aggressive types"?

I would hope that the responses you got confirmed that you need to widen the net

I'm not looking for confirmation or denial of anything. I was just looking for some understanding. I got too few responses for that.

Just the same, yes, I was disappointed as I heard little on the good side. Just like the time when I complained about saying "hi" to people on quiet paths and being ignored. People on this board met this with an almost unanimous defense of ignoring friendly people (like me, shucks). It got worse than I would have imagined. One guy doesn't even say "hi" to 16 year old girls in his neighborhood. Something to do with being thought of as a sex offender.

Yeah, the MWCOG area west of Tysons, but south of the Potomac is the devil you know, I guess. I'm not fond of this Beelzebub right now I'll say.