How Do You Make Friends in NOVA? (Herndon, Fairfax: cliquey, renters)

[momtotwoboys]

we moved here after we were married so I can't speak to how singles find friends, but the bulk of my friends are people I met through my two boys. I have pretty small group of "good friends" here who I get together with once or twice a month. I spend most of my time with my husband and children but like to get out with "the girls" when I can. We also socialize with neighbors now and then when we are all out in the nice weather or at block parties. But, I am the kind of person who has always had a small ciricle of friends.

[statecollege]

Making friends here is no different than making friends anywhere else where you didn't grow up. You take the initiative to find persons you want to socialize with through organizations, workplace, neighbors, school, activities, social situations, etc.

[FairfaxGuy73]

It's just a question of interest because in the exburbs people don't seem to want to make friends with anyone. This goes across most environments. Most of those group lists are crap and die pretty fast because it's the same lot of losers in them too.

I don't know if a large number of people have no friends or of they just stay in a circle like church.

Foreigners are an interesting mixed bag. They can be refreshingly more friendly than your average Northerner (which is mostly what you get of native born here). Probably due to chain migration, many of them only spend time with family and people from their own race/religion. Like they're in another country but they're here.

Places like Arlington, even though not unique in having people come in from different places, people are much more interested in making friends. There is a younger mix there though, so that probably makes a difference.

[Nancy in Nokomis]

I have a hard time making friends here. I really think people are too busy for friends or have all their old friends from Virginia Tech and dont need any more.

[CAVA1990]

It's amazing how much a community pool contributes to forming and maintaining neighborhood relationships. I've pretty much met everyone there as it's where we hold a lot of our community functions and its upkeep brings a lot of us together. I don't think I'd live in a place that didn't have such a central hang out spot. It's worth every penny in dues.

[FairfaxGuy73]

Originally Posted by CAVA1990

It's amazing how much a community pool contributes to forming and maintaining neighborhood relationships. I've pretty much met everyone there as it's where we hold a lot of our community functions and its upkeep brings a lot of us together. I don't think I'd live in a place that didn't have such a central hang out spot. It's worth every penny in dues.

I believe it. I was just thinking how in most NOVA areas, there is no community. Nothing people have in common. Just a bunch of people living in one place, going to work, etc. They have to invent micro communities like religious communities, etc.

In the past, people didn't have a choice. They lived in communities and were part of it. They knew everyone. They walked in the streets because cars did not exist and no one had ever heard of strip malls. I mean that they just were part of a community. It's pretty messed up the way things are now. Just a bunch of people with nothing in common running from work to store to home. No wonder why people are so nuts.

[FairfaxGuy73]

Originally Posted by Fairfax Mom

I have a hard time making friends here. I really think people are too busy for friends or have all their old friends from Virginia Tech and dont need any more.

Or too lazy and socially inept. I used to associate that kind of behavior with small towns where people would just hang out with the people that they grew up with and not have to get out of their comfort zone to meet anyone else.

I've begun to realize as you have that there are lots of folks in urban areas that do the same thing. I've been in groups where people would be oh so friendly until they met a few people. After that, you can forget it. They have their circle.

I'm sure that adds a lot to the alienation that people feel in the exburbs.

[reebo]

I'm not sure I agree with the alienation theory. I think a lot has to do with how open you are and how willing you are to put yourself out there. I learned a lesson from a good friend whose husband was in the military. She accelerated the friending process because she knew she had only two years or so before they were going to move. If she saw someone she thought she'd like to get to know, she'd introduce herself and invite them over for a cup of coffee.

We moved in to a new community--everyone was new so most people were looking to make friends, or at least, to know their neighbors. That said, there is a faction that I never saw--the garage door goes up, the car goes in, the garage door goes down and they're never seen outside, even the people with kids. Those that made the effort to get to know their neighbors have become good friends, or at least, good neighbors. My girls babysit around the neighborhood. Heck, I babysat the neighbor's kids on back to school night so both parents could go. My neighbors collect mail while others are on vacation, they've watched my dog, loaned me ketchup, and are available to my kids if my husband and I go out and we need someone in the neighborhood to be around in an emergency. We have a lot of SAHMs and one SAHD, and I think that can make forming relationships easier.

Other ways I've made friends: joined a now-defunct bunco (more like drunko) group, volunteered at school, taught Sunday school.

[Middlin]

I concur w/ Reebo and how willing you are to put yourself out there and for some that can be difficult and time consuming.

I have had the same group of friends for over 20 yrs. We have young children and don't live in the same area and get together as often as we can. Pre children I made friends through other friends or work, and post children I've made friends with the neighbors. I enjoy their company and the passel of children in and out of my house, the cook outs, etc. BUT, none of these have moved into what I would call a true friendship. None of us spend enough "quality time" to get past the acquaintance phase. Most of the time I'm content with this, but it can get weary when all you feel you do/hear is chit chat. Between work, parenting, house chores, sports, school work and time with my spouse, time is a precious commodity.

[normie]

Originally Posted by FairfaxGuy73

It's just a question of interest because in the exburbs people don't seem to want to make friends with anyone. This goes across most environments. Most of those group lists are crap and die pretty fast because it's the same lot of losers in them too.

Ah, so now we get to what this is about. It's time once again for our quarterly let's-bash-the-suburbs-by-claiming-everybody-there-is-unfriendly silliness. Ho hum. Well, you're entitled to your opinion. It's annoying that now I have to waste my time again on this BS. One of these days I'll dig up all the threads we've had on this dead horse and keep them in a handy file so I can just cut and paste. Meanwhile, since I haven't done that yet, I guess I have to waste my time writing a reply so that we don't mislead people who are trying to move here.

I'm really sorry that some people apparently have a hard time making friends after they move here. This seems to be a problem in every city (just read the forums and see how often this comes up). However, IMO it's ridiculous to blame this on suburbs or to say things like "this goes across most environments" since obviously quite a few people don't have problem making friends. But hey, don't let actual experiences from the people who live here get in the way of a good rant!

Speaking about the threads we've had on this before, the result is always the same. The same 2-3 people will claim everybody is soooo unfriendly. Then at least 10-12 others will say they live in the suburbs and have had no problem making friends. They'll try to give suggestions, which (of course) are ignored. So, sorry if I'm a bit bored but enough already. If you want to make friends, try some of the suggestions that people have given. If that doesn't work for you, I'm sorry but the typical experience here is most people figure out ways to make friends.


Now, having said that, I will say there's an exception. I feel for kids in their early 20s who try to rent apartments in the suburbs and I've said many times that I wish they wouldn't do that. Places like Ashburn were never meant for someone that age. So young people, do yourself a favor and move to a more urban areas. There will be plenty of time for you to grow older and appreciate suburbs--and when you reach that stage you'll find it's easier to get involved with the community and yes, to make friends (whether you want to believe it right now or not).