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An old (but not close) family friend is suddenly a widow. She’s in her late 70s. I need to go pay her a visit because she was kind enough to drop by and visit a suddenly single elderly family member of mine (due to a spouse’s death). The elderly family member couldn’t care less, but I think I need to return the favor of a visit, if anything to encourage the friend to drop by to check on my elderly family member.
When the family friend visited, I think that she came unannounced and brought a nice flower. So I am thinking of doing the same.
The local grocery store just has 3 for $12 bouquets in plastic bags; is that tacky to bring or should I stop by a florist and get something nicer?
I assume that I can just ring the doorbell and explain that I just wanted to drop by but that I don’t expect to be invited in (and I should decline an invitation to come in), since the visit will be unexpected? (When I was a church volunteer and was assigned to visit people, it never went well and I think that I just stayed too long; after that, I want to keep a visit to five minutes at most, and hopefully not come inside.)
If she’s not there, I just leave the flowers maybe by her garage (so she’ll see them)?
Bringing any flowers still wrapped in cellophane bags is tacky. You could buy a mix bouquets and remove the plastic. You can add a finishing touch and tie the stems with a pretty ribbon, then wrap in a tissue paper.
A live plant is a great idea too. (also add finishing touch: a pretty pot, ribbon and a tissue wrap)
Not sure about food - unless you know that person preferences well. Her diet could be restricted.
I dislike (intensely) visitors who drop in with no warning (even if they don’t want to come in). Calling and saying, “I’m nearby, can I run over in fifteen minutes?” Gives me time to get myself or my house presentable. Sometimes I’m still in my PJs at 10 a.m. Sometimes I’m sound asleep in my recliner for a 2 p.m. nap.
It’s a nice gesture but give them a little notice. Please.
An old (but not close) family friend is suddenly a widow. She’s in her late 70s. I need to go pay her a visit because she was kind enough to drop by and visit a suddenly single elderly family member of mine (due to a spouse’s death). The elderly family member couldn’t care less, but I think I need to return the favor of a visit, if anything to encourage the friend to drop by to check on my elderly family member.
When the family friend visited, I think that she came unannounced and brought a nice flower. So I am thinking of doing the same.
The local grocery store just has 3 for $12 bouquets in plastic bags; is that tacky to bring or should I stop by a florist and get something nicer?
I assume that I can just ring the doorbell and explain that I just wanted to drop by but that I don’t expect to be invited in (and I should decline an invitation to come in), since the visit will be unexpected? (When I was a church volunteer and was assigned to visit people, it never went well and I think that I just stayed too long; after that, I want to keep a visit to five minutes at most, and hopefully not come inside.)
If she’s not there, I just leave the flowers maybe by her garage (so she’ll see them)?
Would some nice food be a better gift?
Thanks!
I think it's a nice idea, even unannounced. If she doesn't want to answer the door she doesn't have to. I've had it happen, no problem. Just because someone comes to the door doesn't mean you have to answer it. Though if it does seem doable to send a message or something to indicate that you'll be stopping by, by all means go that route. This is something you'll have to feel out on your own based on your personal knowledge of the individual and whichever way seems the most appropriate based on your relationship (I'll give you an example: an elderly lady in a mobile home park where my husband and I lived fell one time and my husband I brought her some soup. We didn't know her very well; we just walked across the lane and showed up. I don't know if that's the kind of relationship you have or what. But, it's something you'll have to make a judgement call on).
I second to forego the food idea unless you know something of what she might like. But, you can just go with what we did and make some soup or something like that. She can toss it if she doesn't like it or can't have it.
I definitely wouldn't decline an invitation to go inside if she invites. I would discount my own time to give to her (figure at the most a half-hour?). Maybe if it gets toward the upper time limit, whatever you decide, come up with an exit (like do you work in the am/pm, have somewhere to go, etc). I would just, if she seems to be inclined to it, give her more than like 5 minutes. But, she may (like I would be) not like to talk to people that much and be wanting the visit to be over in 5 minutes. The important thing to keep in mind is that you're there for her, so whatever she wants comes first (of course within limits, like I said; I don't think unless you know her fairly well that the visit should go on for like much more than like a half-hour).
Bringing any flowers still wrapped in cellophane bags is tacky. You could buy a mix bouquets and remove the plastic. You can add a finishing touch and tie the stems with a pretty ribbon, then wrap in a tissue paper.
A live plant is a great idea too. (also add finishing touch: a pretty pot, ribbon and a tissue wrap)
I second the first part about the flowers. Stick to this suggestion.
I'm afraid I have to disagree with the plant. Some people don't like them, and she may already have enough and feel obligated to care for another.
I would go inside if offered, ask how she is doing and if she needs help with something like a chore. For example, maybe a light bulb needs to be replaced.
If you plan on returning at some point, you can offer to bring over a dinner plate because you are making a big pot roast this weekend or something.
I have a neighbor that was widowed a few years ago. I take her over a dinner plate of whatever we cook a few times a week, and she thoroughly enjoys them. It's tough for a single person to make family-style meals, especially for an elderly widow. Plus, I do oddball small things around the house for her that take up maybe 5 mins of my time.
I agree to call first. Especially for someone who is grieving. Or, maybe a nice phone call or letter would do. (And, I don't agree that someone might not feel obligated to answer the door when you show up, or perhaps even might not feel obligated to invite you in. I don't imagine too many people would feel well-adjusted hiding behind the couch if someone rings their bell...) You could perhaps even call someone who knows her better and ask their advice on what might be the best way to support her.
Also, drop the idea of making this a visit to try to get the person to visit your family member. Just no, at the best of times, let alone right now when this is someone who needs caring herself, not to be asked to care for other people. (And especially when you say your family member wouldn't even care about her visit.)
I agree to call first. Especially for someone who is grieving. Or, maybe a nice phone call or letter would do. (And, I don't agree that someone might not feel obligated to answer the door when you show up, or perhaps even might not feel obligated to invite you in. I don't imagine too many people would feel well-adjusted hiding behind the couch if someone rings their bell...) You could perhaps even call someone who knows her better and ask their advice on what might be the best way to support her.
I never had any problem with it, being visited unannounced and visiting (I remember now we did that twice when my husband was alive). Maybe in rural areas it's not incredibly uncommon, I don't know. But my neighbors would do that, and I think I did to them once or maybe twice. Most of the time I would think you wouldn't be able to see into a person's house or if you can you wouldn't be like looking for them in there.
I guess to each their own. If I don't want to answer the door, I won't and wouldn't feel like I'd need to hide somewhere (except one time when I had my kitchen door open and I was in there and someone came up to the kitchen, since that was like the main entrance. It was a bit awkward because there was also a window in the kitchen looking out onto the wrap-around driveway, so like since they came up in car they could be seen driving away and can see into the house if they were looking. But I just kept to the area between the door and the window and was like, whatever, I don't want to answer the door so I'm not. They went away in like maybe two minutes. But I like I said I guess it depends on the person. [shrugs]. I'm going to keep doing it, if the situation calls for it like it did the other times).
I dislike (intensely) visitors who drop in with no warning (even if they don’t want to come in). Calling and saying, “I’m nearby, can I run over in fifteen minutes?” Gives me time to get myself or my house presentable. Sometimes I’m still in my PJs at 10 a.m. Sometimes I’m sound asleep in my recliner for a 2 p.m. nap.
It’s a nice gesture but give them a little notice. Please.
I think it's a nice idea, even unannounced. If she doesn't want to answer the door she doesn't have to. I've had it happen, no problem. Just because someone comes to the door doesn't mean you have to answer it.
But……..I enjoy having visitors…..just not no-notice drop-ins.
Also, drop the idea of making this a visit to try to get the person to visit your family member. Just no, at the best of times, let alone right now when this is someone who needs caring herself, not to be asked to care for other people. (And especially when you say your family member wouldn't even care about her visit.)
For the “I want to encourage her to visit my elderly relative”: I would never ever ask her to come check on my relative (or do anything for us). She was kind enough to visit my relative, and I just want her to know that we are grateful for her and for who she is. I figure that if she received only silence in response to her visiting my relative, she wouldn’t go back. But if she understands that we like and appreciate her, hopefully that’ll encourage her to come back.
I don’t know her phone number and it would be strange for me to call her randomly. How about if I leave a bouquet of flowers and a card for her, maybe in her front porch or garage entrance, and don’t even knock?
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