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Hello! I'm hoping someone can give me some insight. I had two very close friends who were married to each other. He was in his mid 40s and had cancer but ended up succumbing to COVID. His widow has always been high maintenance, highly sensitive, and incredibly sentimental. Every month for at least the first year after his death, the day of the month that he passed and the few days before it and afterwards would especially be tough for her and she turned down all social activities and seemed to expect everyone else to not schedule anything. And if they did, she would take it personally.
I haven't experienced this level of grief so I have tried to be understanding. Fast forward a little, and we're approaching the second anniversary of his death. She and I, and other friends, are in a longstanding Bunco group where we get together once a month. I have young kids and an especially busy schedule this time of year, and it's my turn to host, and the best date to have Bunco for me and frankly the other ladies happens to fall on the day before the anniversary of her husband's death.
She called to check on the date I would be holding Bunco and got upset. At first she said that she doesn't want everyone to have to schedule things around her, but in almost the same breath she also said something to the extent of, "You of all people should understand how hard that date is for me." I feel terrible that she's in so much pain but I don't think I've done anything wrong. I don't want to say, "It's been 2 years! You can't hold the Xth date of every month and the 4 days surrounding it hostage every month!" I want to be respectful of the grief she's going through. He was my friend too so I'm far from indifferent to it, but obviously our grief is not the same. Is she being "extra" as the kids say nowadays, or am I in the wrong? She has a history of having what I would consider to be unrealistic expectations of other people and getting offended when they don't live up to it. I feel that this is a continuation of that.
Sigh. I guess I just want to know if her behavior is normal for someone two years in the grieving process.
Hello! I'm hoping someone can give me some insight. I had two very close friends who were married to each other. He was in his mid 40s and had cancer but ended up succumbing to COVID. His widow has always been high maintenance, highly sensitive, and incredibly sentimental. Every month for at least the first year after his death, the day of the month that he passed and the few days before it and afterwards would especially be tough for her and she turned down all social activities and seemed to expect everyone else to not schedule anything. And if they did, she would take it personally.
I haven't experienced this level of grief so I have tried to be understanding. Fast forward a little, and we're approaching the second anniversary of his death. She and I, and other friends, are in a longstanding Bunco group where we get together once a month. I have young kids and an especially busy schedule this time of year, and it's my turn to host, and the best date to have Bunco for me and frankly the other ladies happens to fall on the day before the anniversary of her husband's death.
She called to check on the date I would be holding Bunco and got upset. At first she said that she doesn't want everyone to have to schedule things around her, but in almost the same breath she also said something to the extent of, "You of all people should understand how hard that date is for me." I feel terrible that she's in so much pain but I don't think I've done anything wrong. I don't want to say, "It's been 2 years! You can't hold the Xth date of every month and the 4 days surrounding it hostage every month!" I want to be respectful of the grief she's going through. He was my friend too so I'm far from indifferent to it, but obviously our grief is not the same. Is she being "extra" as the kids say nowadays, or am I in the wrong? She has a history of having what I would consider to be unrealistic expectations of other people and getting offended when they don't live up to it. I feel that this is a continuation of that.
Sigh. I guess I just want to know if her behavior is normal for someone two years in the grieving process.
I have only been a widow for 7 months, but it has been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. There is no "normal" behavior in the grieving process.
But you haven't done anything wrong by scheduling the Bunco when you did. It is on her to make the decision as far as attending. Her expectations are unrealistic, and you shouldn't be expected to cater to them. Just try to be understanding and sympathetic, whatever her choice is as far as attending. And don't take it personally if she gets a little "grumpy" towards you. It's not you she is angry with, it's the unfairness of losing her husband. Grief makes us widows CRAZY sometimes. Or at least, that has been my personal experience.
I lost my husband six months ago. While everyone does grieve differently, as Molly said, there is no way I’d expect people to move their plans to accommodate me, nor would I take umbrage if even close friends scheduled an event on an “anniversary “ date, especially if that’s a monthly occurrence.
Tell your friend you all will miss her at bunco and you hope to see her soon.
She’s entitled to grieve as she feels she must, but she doesn’t get to hold everyone’s schedule hostage.
I agree with what the others have said. She's entitled to grieve as she sees fit, but she can't hold others to the same schedule. Everyone is different.
There is an actual thing known as "The Anniversary Effect" (but it is more of a seasonal or annual thing, not monthly). I'd never heard of it until a counselor explained the concept. The effects aren't just limited to mood swings, some can even manifest physically. Even if other things in my life were going along fine, when a couple of traumatic dates rolled around each year I was suddenly miserable. It was debilitating and I couldn't explain why to others. This made so much sense.
There is an actual thing known as "The Anniversary Effect" (but it is more of a seasonal or annual thing, not monthly). I'd never heard of it until a counselor explained the concept. The effects aren't just limited to mood swings, some can even manifest physically. Even if other things in my life were going along fine, when a couple of traumatic dates rolled around each year I was suddenly miserable. It was debilitating and I couldn't explain why to others. This made so much sense.
Maybe your friend could benefit from the suggestions listed in the linked article OP.
Yup. Sometimes it's obvious. I belong to a 9/11 support group on FB, and a few years ago, one of the members who has very bad PTSD wrote an article that starts off, "It begins in August", and it is so true. A sense of unease, of impending doom, nightmares, and so forth, and the stupid part is that it happens every year and does not register at first that the upcoming anniversary is the reason I feel off. Then it's "Duh. Of course."
But also, when I was six, a cousin my own age died of leukemia, and although I knew she had some kind of illness, I did not expect it or even understand that death had been a possibility for her, and I was not given any comfort or care by the adults in my life. Years later, I read about the anniversary thing, and I realized that I came down with the flu or some other virus every year at the end of February, the time of year when she died.
Yup. Sometimes it's obvious. I belong to a 9/11 support group on FB, and a few years ago, one of the members who has very bad PTSD wrote an article that starts off, "It begins in August", and it is so true. A sense of unease, of impending doom, nightmares, and so forth, and the stupid part is that it happens every year and does not register at first that the upcoming anniversary is the reason I feel off. Then it's "Duh. Of course."
Mine revolves around late September when I was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 36. Up until that time I loved autumn. Once treatment was over and the thing supposedly knocked into remission, couldn't understand why year after year I would suddenly feel morose, uneasy, doom laden, grieving an ephemeral thing lost, right in the middle of my favorite season. Didn't help that more than 25 years later got a second diagnosis...in late September no less. What are the odds of that? Makes me wonder whether the cosmos was trying to tell me something and I just wasn't listening .
Last edited by Parnassia; 12-10-2022 at 05:54 PM..
Suggest to your friend that she should consider grief counseling. I would have after my DH died, but the groups were cancelled due to covid. I would never expect my friends to pussyfoot around me because I am grieving. The third year of my DH's death approaches, followed closely by the death of my favorite sister. I am aware of it, but I don't expect my friends to shoulder it with me. As someone else said - no one else should let her hold them hostage to her grief. A simple "this is the date that works best for the rest of us, and we understand if you choose not to come" should suffice.
Hello! I'm hoping someone can give me some insight. I had two very close friends who were married to each other. He was in his mid 40s and had cancer but ended up succumbing to COVID. His widow has always been high maintenance, highly sensitive, and incredibly sentimental. Every month for at least the first year after his death, the day of the month that he passed and the few days before it and afterwards would especially be tough for her and she turned down all social activities and seemed to expect everyone else to not schedule anything. And if they did, she would take it personally.
I haven't experienced this level of grief so I have tried to be understanding. Fast forward a little, and we're approaching the second anniversary of his death. She and I, and other friends, are in a longstanding Bunco group where we get together once a month. I have young kids and an especially busy schedule this time of year, and it's my turn to host, and the best date to have Bunco for me and frankly the other ladies happens to fall on the day before the anniversary of her husband's death.
She called to check on the date I would be holding Bunco and got upset. At first she said that she doesn't want everyone to have to schedule things around her, but in almost the same breath she also said something to the extent of, "You of all people should understand how hard that date is for me." I feel terrible that she's in so much pain but I don't think I've done anything wrong. I don't want to say, "It's been 2 years! You can't hold the Xth date of every month and the 4 days surrounding it hostage every month!" I want to be respectful of the grief she's going through. He was my friend too so I'm far from indifferent to it, but obviously our grief is not the same. Is she being "extra" as the kids say nowadays, or am I in the wrong? She has a history of having what I would consider to be unrealistic expectations of other people and getting offended when they don't live up to it. I feel that this is a continuation of that.
Sigh. I guess I just want to know if her behavior is normal for someone two years in the grieving process.
You're between a rock and a hard place because of her grief. I have a feeling that if you do not acknowledge it as being a bad day for her to play that you schedule it on that day, that she will be having a lot to say about it. It may even negatively affect your relationship with her where there could be a big blow up.
I was very close to my dad. We had a really strong bond. We worked together from the time I was helping at his business at age 11 until I was 28. We spent from 7am until when he left after dinner time, plus I lived with my parents. There were times when I got older that I was his right hand, taking over some things he did.
When my dad was forced to retire, I, my hub and kids were there to pack him up, also sell his business inventory. I even made a web site to sell stuff. I then talked him into moving by me. When he got terminal cancer a few years later, I dropped everything to care for him. His wife, my mother, did nothing for him. I was more like his wife than his daughter over the years.
When my dad finally died, it hit me very hard. As others have said, there are certain dates where things happen even when I don't realize the date has to do with an event from my dads cancer. He will be gone 17 years, it still affects me daily.
I would never ask my friends to have to hold open a block of dates every month where they had to put their lives on hold because I was emotional. It is not fair to those living. The date doesn't mean as much to them as it does me.
She is being a drama queen. Someone, or everyone banding together is going to have to say something to her. I really do not see a way around it. She can't hold your lives hostage any more.
I hate to sound callous, but we've all lost loved ones, and she sounds like she's trying to make everyone feel sorry for her by inserting her grief into other people's plans. Everyone grieves differently and in their own time, but I've never expected anyone else to coddle me around the dates of those I've lost, including a stepchild I was very close to.
Make your plans, and if she complains, just be matter-of-fact and tell her that her friends' lives have to go on.
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