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Hello! I'm hoping someone can give me some insight. I had two very close friends who were married to each other. He was in his mid 40s and had cancer but ended up succumbing to COVID. His widow has always been high maintenance, highly sensitive, and incredibly sentimental. Every month for at least the first year after his death, the day of the month that he passed and the few days before it and afterwards would especially be tough for her and she turned down all social activities and seemed to expect everyone else to not schedule anything. And if they did, she would take it personally.
I haven't experienced this level of grief so I have tried to be understanding. Fast forward a little, and we're approaching the second anniversary of his death. She and I, and other friends, are in a longstanding Bunco group where we get together once a month. I have young kids and an especially busy schedule this time of year, and it's my turn to host, and the best date to have Bunco for me and frankly the other ladies happens to fall on the day before the anniversary of her husband's death.
She called to check on the date I would be holding Bunco and got upset. At first she said that she doesn't want everyone to have to schedule things around her, but in almost the same breath she also said something to the extent of, "You of all people should understand how hard that date is for me." I feel terrible that she's in so much pain but I don't think I've done anything wrong. I don't want to say, "It's been 2 years! You can't hold the Xth date of every month and the 4 days surrounding it hostage every month!" I want to be respectful of the grief she's going through. He was my friend too so I'm far from indifferent to it, but obviously our grief is not the same. Is she being "extra" as the kids say nowadays, or am I in the wrong? She has a history of having what I would consider to be unrealistic expectations of other people and getting offended when they don't live up to it. I feel that this is a continuation of that.
Sigh. I guess I just want to know if her behavior is normal for someone two years in the grieving process.
In my opinion, who lost my husband on Christmas Eve, no her actions are not representative of grief but of the "high maintenance" you described. The dates surrounding events of my husband and I (anniversaries, birthdays etc.) are sensitive to me, but I wouldn't expect others to be grieving as well. That's absurd.
If you were to say that *she* didn't want to do anything on any of those dates, then I would find that to be "normal"--there is no "normal" to grief. But what she's doing isn't right to others; you can't demand other people's lives to be on hold because of your own grief (the time right surrounding the death, like maybe the few weeks or months, I can see a bit more of that. But two years, come on. No one is going to share that kind of mourning--as like the spouse, parent, child, etc.-- and someone who is mentally balanced is able to understand that. She is not).
Again, my own opinion. I understand if others do not share it. And personally--four years later--I still am very much grieving and it has not gotten that much better since that first time after his death.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mollybygolly
I have only been a widow for 7 months, but it has been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. There is no "normal" behavior in the grieving process.
But you haven't done anything wrong by scheduling the Bunco when you did. It is on her to make the decision as far as attending. Her expectations are unrealistic, and you shouldn't be expected to cater to them. Just try to be understanding and sympathetic, whatever her choice is as far as attending. And don't take it personally if she gets a little "grumpy" towards you. It's not you she is angry with, it's the unfairness of losing her husband. Grief makes us widows CRAZY sometimes. Or at least, that has been my personal experience.
Exactly. In my post above, I attempted to express just what you have written here (maybe I failed at that, maybe not, but this is my view exactly).
Mine revolves around late September when I was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 36. Up until that time I loved autumn. Once treatment was over and the thing supposedly knocked into remission, couldn't understand why year after year I would suddenly feel morose, uneasy, doom laden, grieving an ephemeral thing lost, right in the middle of my favorite season. Didn't help that more than 25 years later got a second diagnosis...in late September no less. What are the odds of that? Makes me wonder whether the cosmos was trying to tell me something and I just wasn't listening .
That really is interesting. It is my favorite time of year, too. Hope the second treatment was also successful.
I wouldn't come right out and say, 'Hope to see you at the next one', because that sounds dismissive of her feelings.
I would say, in a tactful way, (don't ask me how to word it, I'm not very tactful) what was said earlier. Essentially, let her know that you understand that she grieves each month anniversary, and why, but that it's also not all about her. There are other people involved, and this particular date, despite the fact that you considered her needs, too, affords the majority of the group to be able to attend. Perhaps next month, or whenever, will suit her schedule better.
Again, as you can plainly see, I'm not the most tactful. I think tact is required in this, but I'm also a believer in that sometimes, people do need some cold, hard truth, too.
If you can figure out a way to do both, while not being as blunt as I am, that's all you can do. It's up to her if she wants to go or not. The rest of you just continue on with your plans.
She's being patently unreasonable and lashing out at you is extremely unfair on her part.
It's not like a lunch between 2 people but rather an entire group thing and frankly I don't think you are doing her any favors by feeding into her issues and way over the top demands.
I was a widower with little kids, one thing that helped me was to recognize that a lot of people have it far worse than you.
Clearly there is leeway and support for people going through a tough time but she's way way outside that lane.
Hello! I'm hoping someone can give me some insight. I had two very close friends who were married to each other. He was in his mid 40s and had cancer but ended up succumbing to COVID. His widow has always been high maintenance, highly sensitive, and incredibly sentimental. Every month for at least the first year after his death, the day of the month that he passed and the few days before it and afterwards would especially be tough for her and she turned down all social activities and seemed to expect everyone else to not schedule anything. And if they did, she would take it personally.
I haven't experienced this level of grief so I have tried to be understanding. Fast forward a little, and we're approaching the second anniversary of his death. She and I, and other friends, are in a longstanding Bunco group where we get together once a month. I have young kids and an especially busy schedule this time of year, and it's my turn to host, and the best date to have Bunco for me and frankly the other ladies happens to fall on the day before the anniversary of her husband's death.
She called to check on the date I would be holding Bunco and got upset. At first she said that she doesn't want everyone to have to schedule things around her, but in almost the same breath she also said something to the extent of, "You of all people should understand how hard that date is for me." I feel terrible that she's in so much pain but I don't think I've done anything wrong. I don't want to say, "It's been 2 years! You can't hold the Xth date of every month and the 4 days surrounding it hostage every month!" I want to be respectful of the grief she's going through. He was my friend too so I'm far from indifferent to it, but obviously our grief is not the same. Is she being "extra" as the kids say nowadays, or am I in the wrong? She has a history of having what I would consider to be unrealistic expectations of other people and getting offended when they don't live up to it. I feel that this is a continuation of that.
Sigh. I guess I just want to know if her behavior is normal for someone two years in the grieving process.
My take on this(past moderator of this forum here):
From what you wrote, it sounds as though you know exactly how abnormal this is, and what needs to be done. If so, my guess is that you are simply seeking support.
As another poster mentioned, her demands are not grief. In fact, they are a callous manipulation of others so that she can extend her own pity party. That is rude, but more importantly unhealthy for HER (and much of why I am being so blunt in my response).
By continuing to make allowances, you are into the area of enabling. Enabling will hurt her. She needs to pull on her big girl panties and recognize that life is for the living, she has a problem, and it needs to be addressed now for the benefit of all.
Honoring anniversaries of death/transitions IS perfectly normal and a loving and caring thing to do. Manipulating others is not.
Agree with the Posters, insensitive or whatever. We all want attention; as someone Posted, it's time to pull up her big girl panties.
For me, she's angry, probably can't hear what you have to say. As difficult as it is, I would say, "Sorry, we'll miss you". Listen, say nothing more if she starts to rant and rave. Maybe if friends allow her to wallow alone, maybe she'll get tired of her own company.
The one piece of wisdom, there's no time for grief. First 5 years, moved on, though it seems after 41 years, I'm on my own. Ten years now, time of reflection. Interesting, how time, places, music brings loved ones near.
My take on this(past moderator of this forum here):
From what you wrote, it sounds as though you know exactly how abnormal this is, and what needs to be done. If so, my guess is that you are simply seeking support.
As another poster mentioned, her demands are not grief. In fact, they are a callous manipulation of others so that she can extend her own pity party. That is rude, but more importantly unhealthy for HER (and much of why I am being so blunt in my response).
By continuing to make allowances, you are into the area of enabling. Enabling will hurt her. She needs to pull on her big girl panties and recognize that life is for the living, she has a problem, and it needs to be addressed now for the benefit of all.
Honoring anniversaries of death/transitions IS perfectly normal and a loving and caring thing to do. Manipulating others is not.
Agree. If the friend still needs time, then she should take that time but she shouldn't expect her friends to stop everything to accommodate her.
OP posted on the 8th, hasn't been back to reply. I see she's still logging in. Wonder if she even looks at the feedback here...
Sad for my younger sister today. Lost her husband November 9, maybe 6 weeks after he found he had bladder cancer. Cancer was treatable, but complications as a result of the treatment killed him. So unexpected for our family, and today he would have been 70. I know she has been dreading this date.
MQ, thank you for sharing. Prayers for your sister, each family member. Shalom.
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