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I agree to call first. Especially for someone who is grieving. Or, maybe a nice phone call or letter would do. (And, I don't agree that someone might not feel obligated to answer the door when you show up, or perhaps even might not feel obligated to invite you in. I don't imagine too many people would feel well-adjusted hiding behind the couch if someone rings their bell...) You could perhaps even call someone who knows her better and ask their advice on what might be the best way to support her.
Also, drop the idea of making this a visit to try to get the person to visit your family member. Just no, at the best of times, let alone right now when this is someone who needs caring herself, not to be asked to care for other people. (And especially when you say your family member wouldn't even care about her visit.)
This ^^ I would think you could bring a bouquet or even a small box of chocolates and if she invites you in, you could say yes, but I am sorry I can't stay too long and don't want to intrude. I live next door and across the street from three widows that seem lonely and invite me in to chat at times.
But I would call ahead if possible to ask if you can drop by for a short visit.
Thanks, I appreciate it. The family friend has dropped by multiple times over the years without calling in advance, and I thought it was fine; lots of family friends (in their 70s and 80s) also have dropped by just to leave a card or the like and declined my invitations to come in. I thought that it was nice of them to come by even if it was unannounced. But in this thread, it seems like every approach is the wrong one.
I think I will send a card, but that just seems kind of cold to me when the family friend has come by in person.
I went to the family friend’s husband’s funeral and did send a card afterwards as well. I am very introverted and have been told that I come across as shy and standoffish so I figure that if I act 10 times friendlier than I am comfortable with, then it’s a normal level of friendliness.
If you already sent a card after the funeral then I take back my advice to send another card.
The normal time people drop by with food is usually in the days leading up to the funeral. Since this just happened, and you had a chance to give your condolences at the funeral, maybe wait a bit before you make contact again. And if you stop by, instead of bringing anything, maybe just let her know you're just stopping by to say hi and ask if there's anything you can help her with.
So many people have told me that dropping by unannounced is a bad idea; that giving food/plants/flowers is a bad idea; just leaving something is a bad idea; etc.
I liked it when the elderly widow dropped by unannounced, and I am fine when people drop by unannounced, and I appreciate food and plants, but given everyone’s collective responses, I will not do anything (I will not drop by, send a card or do anything). By doing nothing, I guess I can’t cause offense.
So many people have told me that dropping by unannounced is a bad idea; that giving food/plants/flowers is a bad idea; just leaving something is a bad idea; etc.
I liked it when the elderly widow dropped by unannounced, and I am fine when people drop by unannounced, and I appreciate food and plants, but given everyone’s collective responses, I will not do anything (I will not drop by, send a card or do anything). By doing nothing, I guess I can’t cause offense.
Listen to your heart, not strangers on the internet.
An old (but not close) family friend is suddenly a widow. She’s in her late 70s. I need to go pay her a visit because she was kind enough to drop by and visit a suddenly single elderly family member of mine (due to a spouse’s death). The elderly family member couldn’t care less, but I think I need to return the favor of a visit, if anything to encourage the friend to drop by to check on my elderly family member....
If you are only planning to visit as an act of reciprocity, and you don't know the woman that well, I would not show up unannounced. IMO, it would be more appropriate to call her and extend your sympathies. Thank her for her kindness toward your family member, and tell her you would like to do something that might help her in her grief. Perhaps invite her to tea/coffee, ask if you might perform some service. Is she thanks but no thanks, tell her to offer is an open one and invite her to call any time.
It is more sincere, and gives her the option to politely decline. Grief is an individual process and you cannot assume that she wants visitors, no matter how close they are or well-intentioned.
I doubt you will even care about my advice (because it is not self serving to you and you don't even care about this woman), don't lead her on to try and manipulate her to check up on your old relative.
Yes , Leave the nice lady alone ,that would be the honest and caring thing for you. maybe she will get the right idea........to leave people like you and your relatives alone, so she has more time to spend on people who sincerely care about her, and to stay away from self serving manipulators.
Just read your last post #44 , you STILL don't get it. You should do nothing ever to try and manipulate someone to do your bidding. BE HONEST IN LIFE AND DEEDS. Because that is what all people should do. GIVE more than you take always. Do more than what is expected. Be the kind of person that when someone sees you coming up to the door , they open it with a smile and not lock the door and run and hide.
Last edited by I_Play_Poker; 01-04-2023 at 02:54 PM..
I doubt you will even care about my advice (because it is not self serving to you and you don't even care about this woman), don't lead her on to try and manipulate her to check up on your old relative.
Yes , Leave the nice lady alone ,that would be the honest and caring thing for you. maybe she will get the right idea........to leave people like you and your relatives alone, so she has more time to spend on people who sincerely care about her, and to stay away from self serving manipulators.
Just read your last post #44 , you STILL don't get it. You should do nothing ever to try and manipulate someone to do your bidding. BE HONEST IN LIFE AND DEEDS. Because that is what all people should do. GIVE more than you take always. Do more than what is expected. Be the kind of person that when someone sees you coming up to the door , they open it with a smile and not lock the door and run and hide.
By your post, anything done for anyone else is manipulative.
If a friend invites you for coffee and you then return the invitation, is that manipulative (with a goal of getting the friend to remain a friend)? Yes, based on your posts, but no in real life.
She visited my elderly relative because she is a kind and caring person.
If we respond with silence, she may think that her visit was not appreciated.
Her visit WAS certainly appreciated; she is well-liked and I want her to feel welcome.
By your post, anything done for anyone else is manipulative.
If a friend invites you for coffee and you then return the invitation, is that manipulative (with a goal of getting the friend to remain a friend)? Yes, based on your posts, but no in real life.
She visited my elderly relative because she is a kind and caring person.
If we respond with silence, she may think that her visit was not appreciated.
Her visit WAS certainly appreciated; she is well-liked and I want her to feel welcome.
That’s all it is.
The fact that you even thought of this lady and want to do something for her shows that you care about her. That you hope connecting with her lets her know your family appreciates her and perhaps this will lead to future communications is just the opposite of selfish. I dont think it is manipulative at all. I believe you genuinely care and want to extend fellowship regardless of whether or not it would further the relationship with your family.
I grew up in an area where people just dropped in. You say this lady is known for just dropping in. She gave you a graduation gift once upon a time so you have that connection. I think in her case it would be ok to drop in. I don't find it manipulative because you are just returning a favor not trying to gain anything from her. This is an action she herself has done for others in the past.
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