Is it OK for parents to dictate what gifts you can give their kids? (old, child)
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I am going to have a little chat with my daughter. The chat is going to go like this:
"Why do you feel the need to lie to my face when I ask you what the children want or Christmas?"
I wonder if perhaps she has tried to be direct with you, but you're just not hearing her. My mother-in-law also wants to be the one to give the gifts wit the biggest Wow Factor, and I understand that it is because that is how she shows affection. The problem is when I do tell her what the kids have been asking for, she decided they really want something else; like if dd needs more art supplies,
MIL with say "No, I think she wants a doll."
Me: "Okay, then get her a doll."
MIL: "Where would I even find art supplies??"
Me: "Err, the crayon aisle of any store."
MIL: "I think she wants a doll."
Me: "Okay, here she is; you can talk to her about it."
But I have to say, if you asked them, my kids wouldn't be able to name a single gift my in-laws have given them, but they will vividly remember the little things, like taking them for a walk around the block, or going to the deli for a snack.
I am amazed that most of you don't think this deceit is wrong. I guess deceitfulness is just a part of your parenting these days?
I have read one and a half pages so far and not knowing what I may find later in the thread, I just want to say how sorry I feel for what you are putting your daughter through. Here's the thing: we only get half the story when people come to these forums and more times than not, we see the OPs side at least in some way. But in your case, I don't see your side at all. Maybe it's not you, but rather the way you come off in a forum you're not familiar with. But you sound like someone I might not even want my kids to be around.
Maybe you daughter is being a little unfair to you in that she doesn't come right out and say what she's feeling. But it seems like you are the one being controlling here, not to mention putting material things over just spending time with them. How old are the grandkids? Do they even need to have an iPad? My kids are 12 and 13 and they do not have an iPad. And for that matter, neither do my wife or me.
And then we come to what might be the most telling part of the post so far.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nolij4
Incidentally it's only my younger daughter who does this. My other daughter does not engage in these kinds of games. Nor do my husband's children from his first marriage.
You and your daughter have had problems for a long time, right? I bet if we could talk to her, she would tell us she always felt like her sister was loved and appreciated more. This isn't really about gifts; it's about the whole relationship between the two of you. And you're not helping by making the comparision not only to her sister, but her step-siblings.
be thankful you have a relationship with her kids at all.
But to answer your question --
Quote:
Is it OK for parents to dictate what gifts you can give their kids?
This is exactly why some people withhold information:
My MIL called today to see what kind of gaming system my son wants for his birthday because supposedly my husband had told her this is what he wants. I told her that he had just started saving his own money for it and this is a lesson we want him to learn. After we got off the phone I asked my husband what he said, and he showed me the texts. He suggested a couple items, plus told her that our son is saving money for a game system, so maybe they could send some cash for his fund. He never suggested they buy him the system.
I have no doubt that this is the kind of thing that keeps the OP's DIL from giving 100% on the information, and I can't blame her!
You know what I think the problem is? I hate getting asked by my relatives what my kids want. I then have to come up with a list when I just want to say go to a toy store, got to a book store, go to old navy and surprise them! Whatever happened to just getting a gift? That would solve your problem. Don't ask your daughter. Just go to a store- most smaller local stores will be happy to help you pick something out. That way, you get to give the kids something fun. You'll strike out sometimes, but be the best gift other times. I personally think its a but selfish what you're describing. It's like she wants to be the only one that gets the most fun gift, the most sought after
I don't think it's ok for parents to dictate to grandparents what gifts they can give, unless we're talking about something objectionable, like guns or a ooija board . Parents, lighten up!
Having 6 grandkids helps stop me from buying the big ticket items. What my husband and I do is take all 6 grandkids on an overnight trip (1 or 2 nights). It's usually only an hour or so away, but there must be an indoor pool. We have all kinds of events planned such as a scavenger hunt, arts and crafts, snack and of course swimming. I will have 6 pretty nice gifts the kids can try to earn a chance to win. Due to the different ages, I will have age appropriate items. When the kids win/earn tickets, they can add them to the raffle box in front of the gift. Just prior to leaving, after the bags are packed and the place is clean, we do the raffle for each gift.
If you are not local or if this is not a desired idea, I'd change things up. You can do some pretty awesome things to give the kids a good feeling for you. I start a mailing campaign about the first week of December. I send each child a gift on a different day that week. The gifts are small like an ornament, toy, jewelry and a Christmas card. I've sent them activity pages I've printed out. I continue this until a week before Christmas. Everyone loves to get something delivered to them in the mail. This is something your daughter can't do...take advantage of the special person you are... you're grandma!
This takes all the controlling wind out of the daughters sails. I could write a book about controlling mommy's. Just don't let it get to you.
Having 6 grandkids helps stop me from buying the big ticket items. What my husband and I do is take all 6 grandkids on an overnight trip (1 or 2 nights). It's usually only an hour or so away, but there must be an indoor pool. We have all kinds of events planned such as a scavenger hunt, arts and crafts, snack and of course swimming. I will have 6 pretty nice gifts the kids can try to earn a chance to win. Due to the different ages, I will have age appropriate items. When the kids win/earn tickets, they can add them to the raffle box in front of the gift. Just prior to leaving, after the bags are packed and the place is clean, we do the raffle for each gift.
If you are not local or if this is not a desired idea, I'd change things up. You can do some pretty awesome things to give the kids a good feeling for you. I start a mailing campaign about the first week of December. I send each child a gift on a different day that week. The gifts are small like an ornament, toy, jewelry and a Christmas card. I've sent them activity pages I've printed out. I continue this until a week before Christmas. Everyone loves to get something delivered to them in the mail. This is something your daughter can't do...take advantage of the special person you are... you're grandma!
This takes all the controlling wind out of the daughters sails. I could write a book about controlling mommy's. Just don't let it get to you.
I love that you take them for an experience and some quality time.
Is it possible that the children could actually want more than one thing? So, if your daughter is telling you they want Y, it's true? Yes, they may also want X, and that may be the larger, more special (read more expensive) gift, but it doesn't mean they don't also really want Y as well. And, if it's most kids...Z, A and B as well! Kids rarely want ONE thing for Christmas.
I can understand that you feel your daughter is not being honest with you so she can buy the "best" present.
I'm not sure I understand what difference it makes? S, let her get the best present. You will also get something they enjoy and the kids will be happy - and that's what matters at Christmas.
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. Parents, lighten up!
