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Well, I'm a grandparent who definitely does not treat her grands the same as she treated her children.
I don't discipline them for one thing. I can let things slide a bit. I feel it is OK for me to indulge them a little more than I would have my own kids. I don't see them every day, but I enjoy seeing them as often as possible.
Do you think they treat your kids like they used to treat you?
My dad's pretty much the same. Just this mellow dude with snippets of insights, history, et. c.
As for my mom... Noooo. My mother actually is a better grandmother than a mother. She's the worst example of a Tiger Mom-- so there was lots of criticism, violence, threats and all that. She used to just flip out and beat her kids, criticize and limit what her kids do-- so anything we wanted to do had to be approved by her (which was not a lot) and it was supposed to boost her... "image" among her friends. My siblings and I were never allowed to do what we wanted. It was a very difficult childhood. I was the youngest one, but I was always able to "fight" her (stand up to her)-- eventually, I moved in with my dad because it was pretty bad. My elder siblings simply followed suit-- and were only too happy to do it. And life just became calm.
Now she actually tells my oldest daughter that she can do anything she wants to do, dream anything and achieve it; to use her brains and heart to guide her to the right path in life. It usually becomes those moments that I just stand there and wish... but oh well.
My dad's pretty much the same. Just this mellow dude with snippets of insights, history, et. c.
As for my mom... Noooo. My mother actually is a better grandmother than a mother. She's the worst example of a Tiger Mom-- so there was lots of criticism, violence, threats and all that. She used to just flip out and beat her kids, criticize and limit what her kids do-- so anything we wanted to do had to be approved by her (which was not a lot) and it was supposed to boost her... "image" among her friends. My siblings and I were never allowed to do what we wanted. It was a very difficult childhood. I was the youngest one, but I was always able to "fight" her (stand up to her)-- eventually, I moved in with my dad because it was pretty bad. My elder siblings simply followed suit-- and were only too happy to do it. And life just became calm.
Now she actually tells my oldest daughter that she can do anything she wants to do, dream anything and achieve it; to use her brains and heart to guide her to the right path in life. It usually becomes those moments that I just stand there and wish... but oh well.
I always said, that there is no parenting manual that comes with your baby! I think that as each generation comes around, parenting is just plain different.
Age 4-12: Godlike
13-17: Doubt begins
18-until their death: Fossils who didn't know squat
After they died and my children were over 18: How stupid I was.
My parents are better grand parents to my kids than they were parents to me. I'm not sure it is fair to compare, though. Their job as grandparents isn't the same as their job as parents was. My mom has been downright hypocritical when she criticizes my parenting. She tells me not to do the very things she did. She has told me not to be hard on my kids when she was so much harder on me.
Are they the same with my children as they were with me? Of course not! As Kibbie pointed out, the job of a parent is very different than that of a grandparent, but I think my parents have been superb in both roles.
My parents are much calmer and gentler with my children. More loving it would seem. Now that I am a grandmother myself I understand this difference. I have no reason to "raise" my grandchildren. I don't have to be worried about bringing them up to the best of my ability. That is the job of my son and his wife. I get to sneak them candy, let them stay up late when they're over, and buy them useless junk that their parents said no to. It is easy to be a grandmother. Mother.....not so much! I give my parents all the credit in the world. You learn a lot as you go thru this raising children thing and you surely mellow with age. I am a much better parent to my 5 year old than I was to my 22 year old. Live and learn.
My parents are way better. My dad was ferocious and cruel with me. But he's never with my child without the calming presence of gramma. I haven't seen any bad behavior from him. So I'm happy for that. But he still doesnt "own" that a lot of my own anger issues, swearing, fighting, etc. came from watching him. Now that he's old I give him a pass and he takes it and acts ok. It's kind of like pardoning a war criminal.
But I do my best not to emulate him and I've never had a fit of rage directed at my kid. I will never understand why he treated me the way he did other than that that's how he was treated and it's a generational curse. One that I intend to break.
My parents are way better. My dad was ferocious and cruel with me. But he's never with my child without the calming presence of gramma. I haven't seen any bad behavior from him. So I'm happy for that. But he still doesnt "own" that a lot of my own anger issues, swearing, fighting, etc. came from watching him. Now that he's old I give him a pass and he takes it and acts ok. It's kind of like pardoning a war criminal.
But I do my best not to emulate him and I've never had a fit of rage directed at my kid. I will never understand why he treated me the way he did other than that that's how he was treated and it's a generational curse. One that I intend to break.
Having an abusive parent can work both ways.....you can emulate and continue the pattern, or it can make you a better parent because you know how NOT to act.
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