Gifts from grandparents (kids, old, grandkids, month)
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My husband's parents periodically mail gifts for my children, or will buy gifts when we are all together in the same city. I need to know whether my feeling on this situation is out of line, and what, if anything I should do. They are divorced, so they buy the gifts independent of one another.
My MIL spends 2-3x more on gifts for my older child than my younger child. This has only recently began to cause problems as my youngest (20 months) is taking notice. The most recent example is that she mailed two dresses. The one for my 3.5yo was a huge fluffy Disney princess dress. The one for the 20 mo old was a much simpler dress. My 20 mo old was crying because she wanted to wear the fancy princess dress.
My FIL does not buy gifts at all for my younger daughter. He sends boxes full of nice clothes for my older daughter, along with other items such as cute purses and shoes. He says that he doesn't buy gifts for the younger one because as she grows she can wear the clothes he originally bought for the older child. I see his logic, but again, it's becoming a problem as she develops increased awareness....not to mention that my 3.5yo loudly analyzes everything (Grandpa didn't send sister ANYTHING? Whyyyy?).
Should I speak up? Leave it alone? I admit my feathers are a little ruffled at the inequality. How can I explain this to my children when they ask questions, especially as they grow older? My in-laws and I could not be more different, so I try very hard to see things from their perspective and to keep the relationship as positive as possible.
Hmmm, this is a tough one. I can understand their point, of course, as the younger one will inherit all the goodies from her sister eventually, but that makes it no easier to understand for her, nor does it take away that younger siblings often resent always getting the used stuff when the older sibling gets all new.
How does your husband feel on this one? Any chance he'd be willing to talk to his parents? Are both grandchildren their bio grandchildren? (I'm having a little trouble understanding the discrepancy, especially since the girls are so close in age.)
If the inequality doesn't stop after a chat with them, then I'd start intercepting any gifts and perhaps saving them for birthdays or Christmas, or quietly dividing them up so that some stuff intended for the older one could go to the younger daughter. While their generosity is appreciated, ultimately you and DH are the parents and you are responsible for promoting fairness in your household.
It sounds to me like these gifts are extras - and that they are being kind hearted. I wouldn't necessarily look at it as you MIL spending more money on the older one - maybe she just thought the little one wasn't ready for a princess dress - hard to say. Grandparents sometimes forget what little ones can be like.
To me, a gift is just that - a gift. Unless you think they are intentionally being mean, I'd drop it and instead talk to you your youngest that sometimes her big sister will get things she won't and I'm sure at times, as they get older, it will be the other way around as well. Maybe you can then talk to the older one about sharing some of the things she gets - purses, etc.
If the inequality doesn't stop after a chat with them, then I'd start intercepting any gifts and perhaps saving them for birthdays or Christmas, or quietly dividing them up so that some stuff intended for the older one could go to the younger daughter. While their generosity is appreciated, ultimately you and DH are the parents and you are responsible for promoting fairness in your household.
I agree with the sentiment, especially since the youngest is getting older. At the same time, when the grandparent asked, "Did you like that dress I sent?" your daughter wouldn't know about it, or it would have gone to her sister. You don't have to be the buffer here; the reality might not be fair, but it is the reality.
Is the oldest the first grandchild? That can make a difference - I remember my oldest sister getting larger, better gifts from our paternal grandmother because of that! It was something I grew up understanding, but it did feel unfair (because it was).
Quote:
Originally Posted by jkcoop
Grandparents sometimes forget what little ones can be like. <snip>
Everything doesn't have to be even steven.
I agree that everything doesn't need to be even - but I'm sure the younger daughter is beginning to feel slighted, now that she's old enough to notice the discrepancy. I'd talk to the grandparents first - or, get your husband to - and if it doesn't change, then trust that the youngest can deal. I don't resent my grandmother's favoritism, but it certainly didn't help my relationship with her. If someone had explained to her how I felt (which, of course, was NOT done in my family! We weren't allowed to have feelings, much less express them, ha), it's possible she would have bought things more equally.
I think bringing it to the grandparents' attention is appropriate - because they forget what little ones are like. It would be up to them whether to change what they do because of that, or not. It may be they still think of the youngest as a 'baby' and not likely to notice.
Of course, pepper the conversation with how much you appreciate what they do!
In the case of the dresses, it's not a matter of money discrepancy to your girls as they have no clue on money spent. Instead it's the style. Your youngest was really excited by the frilly princess dress and that's where she was disappointed in the difference. (mine would have hated it at any age lol)
The g'ma most likely had no idea that a princess dress would be so adored by such a little one and probably bought something G'MA would like to see her in. Not an issue to me. They both can play dress up in it, IMO.
The box of clothes from g'pa may be another issue. I know many grandparents who hit up sales and buy large quantities at one time, thinking it is a great deal and will be loved by the child receiving it. Money might be the driving factor to him and he may be thinking he is saving you money as well in getting things that can be passed down.
What I would do is let g'ma know that the littler one really really adored big sisters dress and you were wondering where you could get one in her size exactly like it. That gently lets her know that her choice didn't hit the mark, but doesn't chide her for it.
With the box of stuff, I'd see about exchanging some of it in the smaller size or I'd take some out and get other stuff so the little one has some things too. She doesn't have to know that it didn't come from g'pa in the way he'd intended.
In the case of the dresses, it's not a matter of money discrepancy to your girls as they have no clue on money spent. Instead it's the style. Your youngest was really excited by the frilly princess dress and that's where she was disappointed in the difference. (mine would have hated it at any age lol)
The g'ma most likely had no idea that a princess dress would be so adored by such a little one and probably bought something G'MA would like to see her in. Not an issue to me. They both can play dress up in it, IMO.
The box of clothes from g'pa may be another issue. I know many grandparents who hit up sales and buy large quantities at one time, thinking it is a great deal and will be loved by the child receiving it. Money might be the driving factor to him and he may be thinking he is saving you money as well in getting things that can be passed down.
What I would do is let g'ma know that the littler one really really adored big sisters dress and you were wondering where you could get one in her size exactly like it. That gently lets her know that her choice didn't hit the mark, but doesn't chide her for it.
With the box of stuff, I'd see about exchanging some of it in the smaller size or I'd take some out and get other stuff so the little one has some things too. She doesn't have to know that it didn't come from g'pa in the way he'd intended.
These are great suggestions. Since your girls are only two years apart, it would only be a short time before the younger one could wear some of the same stuff. If a huge box of goodies comes, you could choose a few things for your oldest daughter, a few things the younger one could use (purses, something just a little on the large size), and save some of the other things to give *new* to your youngest daughter when she's a bit bigger or the next time older daughter gets a surprise princess dress. That way if the extravagant gifts keep coming, after a year or two you'll be caught up .
I agree with the poster who said things aren't always fair, and it doesn't have to be even Steven. That's absolutely true, especially in the occasional case. But if it's a habit of the grandparents showering the older child with boxes of new clothes and gifts while doing little for the younger one, I worry it could affect her sense of self-esteem in the long run. I'm not sure she's old enough to rationalize all the reasons her grandparents might be doing what they're doing. She will just see her sister with a huge box of brand new dresses, shoes and purses, while she gets little or nothing. She may start to wonder why she's not as special as her sister.
If talking to them doesn't work, I would equalize things more on my own.
My MIL used to do this with my kids. They aren't the same sex though, and she was showering the younger one (the girl) with more. It got to the point that we even had to count stickers! She sent stickers once in cards - apparently accidentally bought "Great Grandson" card for the boy - and crossed out the word "Great". While we were explaining to the very upset 6 year old child that Grandma made a mistake, little sister, 4 yo at the time, had just discovered that she had 5 pages of stickers, but big brother only got 1.
Dh spoke to her about it - but it only got "sneakier". Identical looking packages came next - two T-shirts for him, three for her - and hers also had two necklaces and a $5 bill. That was the last straw.
We don't allow them to open gifts from my MIL any longer that we have not "pre-opened" and sorted. We don't give the boy HER gifts, but we don't give it to her either, right then. Clothing gets shuffled in with the clothes she already has. When it's been cash, they each see the same amount, with the extra for our daughter put in her savings account. Jewelry gets set aside, for when she's older.
As a second child myself, I remember only having hand-me-downs for most of my life. Many don't think it's a big deal, but to never have anything new, to never have something that didn't belong to someone else first, that's not worn-looking, that's not past it's popularity - anyone who would tell you it's not a big deal, never had to deal with always feeling "2nd". At best, it's insensitive.
I've taught my kids that life isn't always fair or equal. But when it comes to gifts from grandparents or parents, it SHOULD be fair. Family is supposed to be a "soft place to fall", not the place that teaches you how hard the knocks can come.
I've been thinking about this all afternoon, trying to decide how to answer. I like the suggestions to filter the gifts, save some for the younger sister. I would add to that, to TELL the grandparents that you are doing that. I wouldn't be nasty about it, but just matter of fact, "by the way, I set aside the pink dress and the cute purse for Mary when she grows into them." It would also be a way to explain why they might not see the older daughter in a certain outfit. Maybe they would take the hint and start sending things more evenly.
How does your husband feel on this one? Any chance he'd be willing to talk to his parents? Are both grandchildren their bio grandchildren? (I'm having a little trouble understanding the discrepancy, especially since the girls are so close in age.)
My husband didn't fully realize the situation until I asked his opinion earlier today. Usually I am the one home when the packages arrive, and I never said anything about it before. Yes, both children are their bio grandkids (they are two years apart in age).
Quote:
Originally Posted by jkcoop
It sounds to me like these gifts are extras - and that they are being kind hearted. I wouldn't necessarily look at it as you MIL spending more money on the older one - maybe she just thought the little one wasn't ready for a princess dress - hard to say. Grandparents sometimes forget what little ones can be like.
To me, a gift is just that - a gift. Unless you think they are intentionally being mean, I'd drop it and instead talk to you your youngest that sometimes her big sister will get things she won't and I'm sure at times, as they get older, it will be the other way around as well. Maybe you can then talk to the older one about sharing some of the things she gets - purses, etc.
Everything doesn't have to be even steven.
I agree that it's not the amount of money spent that matters, and my in-laws are definitely not being mean. I mentioned the money because sometimes the difference (in quality/quantity) is quite obvious. I also agree that not everything needs to be even steven all the time. Yes, some of the gifts are extras, and some are for occasions (holidays, birthdays). My FIL has never bought a gift for my younger child. In contrast, he has bought older daughter gifts for every occasion, plus extras, plus daily gifts/treats when we are in the same city since day one. That is actually the disparity that bothers me more. The situation with my MIL makes more sense to me. My guess is that she realizes that my older daughter might appreciate the gifts more at this stage in their development.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlotteGal
Is the oldest the first grandchild?
No, but she is the first girl in the family in a long time (MIL/FIL had two boys, then BIL/SIL had two boys). She was born the princess, and has continued to be that to her grandparents.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hypocore
What I would do is let g'ma know that the littler one really really adored big sisters dress and you were wondering where you could get one in her size exactly like it. That gently lets her know that her choice didn't hit the mark, but doesn't chide her for it.
With the box of stuff, I'd see about exchanging some of it in the smaller size or I'd take some out and get other stuff so the little one has some things too. She doesn't have to know that it didn't come from g'pa in the way he'd intended.
Fantastic ideas! Thank you so much!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by sskkc
My MIL used to do this with my kids. They aren't the same sex though, and she was showering the younger one (the girl) with more. It got to the point that we even had to count stickers! She sent stickers once in cards - apparently accidentally bought "Great Grandson" card for the boy - and crossed out the word "Great". While we were explaining to the very upset 6 year old child that Grandma made a mistake, little sister, 4 yo at the time, had just discovered that she had 5 pages of stickers, but big brother only got 1.
Dh spoke to her about it - but it only got "sneakier". Identical looking packages came next - two T-shirts for him, three for her - and hers also had two necklaces and a $5 bill. That was the last straw.
We don't allow them to open gifts from my MIL any longer that we have not "pre-opened" and sorted. We don't give the boy HER gifts, but we don't give it to her either, right then. Clothing gets shuffled in with the clothes she already has. When it's been cash, they each see the same amount, with the extra for our daughter put in her savings account. Jewelry gets set aside, for when she's older. .
Wow, that is really sad about your children and MIL. It sounds like you are handling it beautifully (better than I would).
One thing about my in-laws is that they are wonderful grandparents. One of my greatest joys in life is watching the interactions between my children and their grandparents.
So the story does have a happy ending. DH and I decided to leave the situation with my MIL alone, because there's not such an obvious disparity. He did call his father tonight (the timing was perfect because we received a box of clothes in the mail today), and my FIL apologized sincerely and said from now on he will include gifts for my younger daughter. My guess is that he genuinely thought of her as still being an infant. If only all of life's difficulties were so easily resolved!
I really appreciate everyone's insights. It was very helpful!
I've been thinking about this all afternoon, trying to decide how to answer. I like the suggestions to filter the gifts, save some for the younger sister. I would add to that, to TELL the grandparents that you are doing that. I wouldn't be nasty about it, but just matter of fact, "by the way, I set aside the pink dress and the cute purse for Mary when she grows into them." It would also be a way to explain why they might not see the older daughter in a certain outfit. Maybe they would take the hint and start sending things more evenly.
Your reply came in as I was typing mine . Another great idea! Since we decided not to directly discuss the issue with my MIL, this kind of approach might work down the road as my youngest continues to gain more awareness. We may also do this if by chance my FIL continues with a dramatically imbalanced approach, although it sounds like he really understood and will change. Thank you!
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Happy Ending
. Another great idea! Since we decided not to directly discuss the issue with my MIL, this kind of approach might work down the road as my youngest continues to gain more awareness. We may also do this if by chance my FIL continues with a dramatically imbalanced approach, although it sounds like he really understood and will change. Thank you!