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We've somewhat dealt with this issue in minor ways between our three kids (6, almost 2 and 18 months). The key for us was nipping it in the bud early and talking openly with both sets of parents what was and wasn't OK. We felt it was important as our kids were beginning to perceive some differences. Some examples:
Wife's dad works at a large children's hospital. He knows the manager of the McDonald's there very well and can always get the latest Happy Meal toy's that my son wants to collect. Pop-pop usually shows up at our house with a bag of toys he collected for my son. My daughter began to notice around 2 that she wasn't getting anything when Pop-pop came over and asked about it.
My mom had an issue with being a little overly generous with my daughter, who was the first granddaughter on my side in a long time. Nana used to show up with a big bag of clothes and some toys for my daughter on a routine basis and a small token for my son. He certainly realized the discrepancy and was a little hurt by it.
We decided to set down some "rules" that everyone thought was reasonable.
- The first was that birthday's were wide open, give what you want to each kid, but try to keep the appearance of equality. My wife and I assist with this by "assigning" certain presents, or offering a few suggestions to each set of grandparents. If they want to do something more or special, great. One example of something special was that my mom bought each of my daughters a doll made to look like them on their first birthday's, as well as the regular presents. My FIL is an avid sports fan and each birthday he gives my son a special sports collectible that we keep for him. These are special things, so they are perfectly fine and you need to let the grandparents have a little fun.
-When it comes to Christmas, my wife and I divide up the Christmas list and make sure it is roughly equal, again if they want to do something more, than great. Some of the special things we have had at Christmas is my MIL knows a dress maker and has special dresses made for each girl at Christmas and they make a day out of it. My parents in turn take my son out for a special day to buy him his suit and they do something fun like see a movie or go to a hockey game.
-Random gift purchases need to be done equally. Don't show up to the house with something for one of the kids and not having something for the rest. It doesn't need to be balanced down to the penny, but do your best.
-Feel free to buy anything you want, but don't necessarily make it a present to the child. My mom loves to shop sales and will often hit up several stores each month looking for good deals. Sometimes she shows up at our house with a bag of clothes for my son, sometimes it's a bag of clothes for one of my daughters. Sometimes it's a little something for each. Sometimes it's just one thing she saw and thought it would be perfect for "X". These are not given as "gifts" per se, she gives them to us and we integrate them into the kids wardrobes.
I do personally think it can be damaging to not only a child's relationship with their grandparents to see the inequality, but can also foster jealousy and resentment among the siblings as well. It is best to work out the ground rules now while they are young and stick with them. If the grandparents don't want to play by the rules, than gifts will have to be refused.
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