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Dh spoke to her about it - but it only got "sneakier". Identical looking packages came next - two T-shirts for him, three for her - and hers also had two necklaces and a $5 bill. That was the last straw.
You know, my interpretation of that might be entirely different... Is it possible that she thought you meant "monetarily" equal? And the two shirts for the older boy cost more than three shirts with necklaces for the younger girl - so Grandma put the five dollar bill in your daughter's package, to even it out?
I've seen so many cases where relatives misunderstand - and try so hard to do the right thing - but it turns out all wrong, because they really didn't understand what the true issue was. But they tried! And if it was explained to her that it's not the money, as much as the overall impact of the gift?
You know, my interpretation of that might be entirely different... Is it possible that she thought you meant "monetarily" equal? And the two shirts for the older boy cost more than three shirts with necklaces for the younger girl - so Grandma put the five dollar bill in your daughter's package, to even it out?
I've seen so many cases where relatives misunderstand - and try so hard to do the right thing - but it turns out all wrong, because they really didn't understand what the true issue was. But they tried! And if it was explained to her that it's not the money, as much as the overall impact of the gift?
No. They were Hawaii Tshirts - every vendor there sells them 5 for $10, without regard to size.
Recently, we started speaking to her again - last year, she sent a card that to me seemed 'typical' of her. DH started pacing and getting angry - I told him that he needed to start saying those things to HER and not just ME. (I'd tried talking to her years ago, it's a saga). He called her and confronted her - turns out she told him she'd been doing the disparity thing to 'get my goat' (just one of the many things they had to discuss, btw). She apologized to him and a few months later to me, she's been 'even' ever since - but I still will never trust a package from her again - it wasn't just those two times. There were MANY times.
When I went to CA to help out my dad after my stepmom passed, my MIL came down to assist with the kids - and for the first time EVER - she WAS a help! But the damage to her relationship with ds has been done. He's the older one, and having been hurt, he's much less trusting of her. He was very polite to her, but very cold as well.
So the story does have a happy ending. DH and I decided to leave the situation with my MIL alone, because there's not such an obvious disparity. He did call his father tonight (the timing was perfect because we received a box of clothes in the mail today), and my FIL apologized sincerely and said from now on he will include gifts for my younger daughter. My guess is that he genuinely thought of her as still being an infant. If only all of life's difficulties were so easily resolved!
That's great! What's funny is, what might be obvious to us, and especially obvious to mothers, didn't even occur to your FIL. And he probably forgot at what age children really start to enjoy those sorts of things.
In all honesty, if it wasn't for me in our family keeping track of b'days, etc., the nieces on my DH's side would never see anything from us. Not that he doesn't care mind you, it's just not on his radar.
That's great! What's funny is, what might be obvious to us, and especially obvious to mothers, didn't even occur to your FIL. And he probably forgot at what age children really start to enjoy those sorts of things.
In all honesty, if it wasn't for me in our family keeping track of b'days, etc., the nieces on my DH's side would never see anything from us. Not that he doesn't care mind you, it's just not on his radar.
lol! For sure! His sister was putting him on the spot the other night about if we had gotten the graduation announcement. I was silently trying to feed the answers that we had, etc.
Same problem here. I intercept all gifts and packages that arrive in the mail and if possible divvy them up evenly before giving to the kids. If they can't be divvied up, if possible, it becomes a shared gift. If not possible, it gets placed in the back of the closet for garage sale day or added to other gifts in back of closet to divvy up at another time more evenly
I believe that what has been missed so far is that gifts should be recieved graciously, not scrutinized by the receiver (your 20 month old) to make sure she likes what she gets as much or more as what other people get. This is behavior that should be nipped in the bud. It is a teachable moment. There might be nothing wrong with you discretely mentioning your dilema to the grandparents in question under the guise of having them help you train the little one. Then if you choose to restrict their gifts a bit, they will be in on it.
I once witnessed several grandchildren (not mine, thank God) fighting and crying at Christmas, during the Beanie Baby era, when they each received an equal number, but perceived the values of them to be unequal. It was terrible behavior that should have been squashed immediately by the parents.
A person who does not receive a gift graciously is an ugly thing. I know some adults like this, who are never happy and it spoils every gift giving occasion. I was raised to pretend to like every gift I ever got. Even if I don't like something, I appreciate the effort, expense, and thoughtfulness.
I have some issues with my in-laws (and even my own parents), but thankfully this is not one of them. They go out of their way to make sure the gifts they give my boys are equal. I really appreciate that. Although I have seen inequality in the way I was treated vs. my cousins, and in the way my kids are treated vs. their cousins. Thankfully all is kept even within our own house.
My son still wrote (as I did) thank you cards to his grandmother, as I did for his sister.
But, when someone is gifting siblings, they need to THINK. This kind of disparity is insulting - in my MIL's case, purposely so. And there are consequences to being that insulting - for instance, my ds said hello to his grandmother when he saw her, but chose not to hug her. He chooses not to answer her emails now with anything other than monosyllables, he chooses not to add her as a friend on FB. He's not rude, just not interested in fostering the relationship. She has to put out extra effort now to make it up to him - not only is she the 'adult' in the situation, she is the one who created it to, as she put it "get my goat".
From the beginning, I taught my kids that when someone hurts you, then apologizes, you say, "I accept your apology", not "That's okay"... because it's NOT okay that they hurt you. You do not owe people who are insensitive to you or hurt you, anything.
\I believe that what has been missed so far is that gifts should be recieved graciously, not scrutinized by the receiver (your 20 month old) to make sure she likes what she gets as much or more as what other people get. This is behavior that should be nipped in the bud.
So a not-yet-2-year-old should handle not getting any gift at all when her sister gets a huge box full of gifts on a repeated basis with a sense of graciousness? I respectfully disagree. First, it is not developmentally appropriate. Second, it is asking too much of a child, IMO, to be gracious about clearly being treated in an inferior manner in comparison to a sibling on a consistent basis by certain people in their lives.
As for the situation with the dresses and other gifts where one was nicer than the other, I can see your point. This is why we chose not to say anything to my MIL. I agree that gifts should not be scrutinized as a general principle. However I can see there being a negative impact when one child is treated favorably on a consistent basis over another.
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