Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I know obviously that I can ask the kids directly.
I know obviously that I can watch what for they like (as the other grandma suggested) and go from there.
I want to know why it is that my daughter hides something like this from me. Is it because she is controlling? Is it because she is being manipulative? Is it because she is so insecure as a mother that she doesn't want me getting a gift that the kids may like more than her gift?
I suspect it's reason no. 3, and that is REALLY SAD. She should be a big girl and just admit the whole thing, and then I can proceed accordingly.
Like I said, I am going to have a chat with her. I'm willing to bet money that she is going to say that she wants to get the "most wanted gift" and doesn't want me to get it. I cannot imagine being so insecure about your kids' love that you think being the one who buys the ipad is so important that you are willing to deceive your own mother over it. If she tells me she wants to buy the most wanted gift, that's fine. It's not like I am going to go buy a second ipad.
Just don't lie to my face and tell me that what they really want is pajamas. See what happens is that she is secretive and deceptive, and then I take that personally. And then I went and ask City Data posters what they think about the situation. She is creating the drama and mistrust by lying.
If she would have just said to me years ago "look they want XXXXX but i am gonna get them that, i am always gonna get the special gift" then OK. but it's the lying that I take personally.
By the way, I am not offended by all the people here who have raked me over the coals for my posts. I am sure that your own mothers and mothers in law have similar feelings like my own (I am specifically speaking to those of you who engage in these deceptive games). I know I am not the only one struggling with these family dynamics.
At least i am not one of those grandmothers who buys the kid 87 gifts and shoves it down the throats of the parents, or who buys the kids inappropriate gifts that the parents specifically say they do not want in the house.
Okay, you are now saying that your daughter is lying. I didn't get that from your original post. Can you clarify just what it is she lies about? She wants to buy the iPad. She suggests you buy pajamas. Or shorts. Or some other gift that you don't want to give. That doesn't sound like lying. Or manipulating. It sounds like she's tired of you asking what you should give them. I don't know how long this has been going on - one year? Two? Every year since the kids were born? Make it easy on yourself and don't ask. Buy what you want and what you think they want.
What I find sad is the fact that you have called your daughter "controlling", "manipulating" a "liar" and "insecure" on a forum full of strangers. There's a whole other side to this story.
I cannot imagine being so insecure about your kids' love that you think being the one who buys the ipad is so important that you are willing to deceive your own mother over it.
.
You don't need to imagine it. Moderator Cut You are willing to argue with your own daughter about gift giving, call her a liar, and risk your relationship with her and your grandkids. Just remember SHE is the mother. Her kids, her call.
Last edited by Jaded; 06-28-2013 at 11:42 PM..
Reason: Argumentative
So we don't agree with your über-controlling tactics and that makes the rest of us liars? You are on a roll when it comes to dishing out the insults this week. All I can say is that when your daughter goes ballistic at you and tells you to back off and mind your own business, none of us will be a bit surprised. If you end up having no relationship at all with her or your grandkids, who will you blame then?
Whether you like or agree with her parenting style is not the point. The point is, you are assuming she's a manipulative liar simply because she won't let you do what you want Moderator Cut. And the fact you never once think about what you may have done to create this situation is equally indicative of your refusal to accept any responsibility for the way your own child treats you. Nothing is ever your fault is it? If she is lying, maybe it's because she knows you won't accept the truth.
So you don't get to buy the gifts you want to get? So you don't get to be the super generous grandmother who shows up her own daughter by spending way too much money. So you don't get to drive a wedge between your child and hers by spoiling the grandkids rotten and making them like you more - is that what this is really about?
Last edited by Jaded; 06-28-2013 at 11:44 PM..
Reason: Inappropriate comment
It is extraodinarily rude and controlling for my daughter to deliberately keep secret what my grandkids want for Christmas simply because she doesn't want me to buy them a specific gift.
If this is how she truly wants to parent, then she should have the chutzpah to say it to my face.
"Sorry but the items at the top of the list are for me to get because I am their mother. You can get them something else."
But instead, it's all very cloak and dagger and a big power grab.
I have no problem buying them pajamas. I have a problem with the way my daughter tries to control the gift-giving dynamic. It's sad and disturbing.
I think you probabably need to look in the mirror to see who is the one that is trying to control.
I'm guessing if she said something to you, you would have an issue with it. Coming on this forum to badmouth her gives me the impression that you are a little difficult to confront?
No power grab - they are her children, not yours. In thinking this is a power struggle, it's quite apparent that you want that control.
Okay - I confess that did not read through the entire thread. But have you ever thought of asking your grandkids directly?
Also - must we always buy kids what they specifically ask for?
I recommend finding out what the are interested in and then developing a gift idea around that.
Great point. I have a nephew who gets very expensive and inappropriate gifts from his paternal grandmother, who IS using the issue to control the situation. It has become a contest between parents and grandparents, and is quite horrifying to watch. A few Christmases ago, we watched as Jr. sat on the floor, tearing open gifts in a frenzy, taking a quick peek, then flinging it aside to go on to the next gift. At the end of the pile was gift from his grandfather in another state. It was "only" a few t-shirts and jeans. The gift was mocked by almost everyone there.
My husband and I make a point to get him something to "do", not "have". We've given tickets to museums, Disney-type shows, and zoos as well as rock-polishing equipment, art supplies and science experiments. We take him to these places, and always join him when he uses the gifts. We are hoping that when he's grown, he'll remember these times fondly. And yes, we are mocked by the family also. We're called the Cheapos. But that's OK, we know we are giving gifts far more valuable than x-Boxes and dirt bikes.
Great point. I have a nephew who gets very expensive and inappropriate gifts from his paternal grandmother, who IS using the issue to control the situation. It has become a contest between parents and grandparents, and is quite horrifying to watch. A few Christmases ago, we watchedas Jr. sat on the floor, tearing open gifts in a frenzy, taking a quick peek, then flinging it aside to go on to the next gift. At the end of the pile was gift from his grandfather in another state. It was "only" a few t-shirts and jeans. The gift was mocked by almost everyone there.
My husband and I make a point to get him something to "do", not "have". We've given tickets to museums, Disney-type shows, and zoos as well as rock-polishing equipment, art supplies and science experiments. We take him to these places, and always join him when he uses the gifts. We are hoping that when he's grown, he'll remember these times fondly. And yes, we are mocked by the family also. We're called the Cheapos. But that's OK, we know we are giving gifts far more valuable than x-Boxes and dirt bikes.
Just a side point. That is the reason why my family always opened Christmas presents one at a time. We will play the board game, model the clothes, play with the toy, etc. before going on to the next present. Mock someone else's gift? Especially the gift of a loving grandparent. Not at our house.
Yes, the gifts that you give are are the most valuable type of gifts. Hopefully, your nephew will remember those times fondly.
It's more than obvious to me that your daughter is doing this BECAUSE you are always one-upping her. If you actually spent any time with your grandkids, you would KNOW what they want.
I have two grandchildren, 4 and 1, and my daughter LOVES for us to be the big gift-givers. But I don't have to ask her what they want. I know what they want and I know what I want to give them, and I share that info with her so she knows, so she can get something that either complements it or is totally different.
She is young with two young children and her husband is in Afghanistan, so I am very involved in their lives. I pick the kids up from school and that in itself is a big gift. They love to see MooMoo at the door of the daycare coming to get them because we go get Frozen Yogurt before we go home. It's not all about the gift, but because my grandkids love us so much, my daughter WANTS us to get all the accolades. Besides, she really can't afford the big ticket items.
Maybe you should work on your personal relationship with your grandkids before you work on your gift-giving prowess.
And this is not about what you think. This is not about me wanting to give gifts that are unwanted or inappropriate. That's not what I am asking.
What is happening is that my daughter deliberately does not tell me what my grandkids want, so that she can get them the gift. In other words, if my grandkids want iPads and have iPads at the top of their Xmas list, I am not allowed to buy that, only the parents are. I am only allowed to buy the gifts that they want less, like pajamas or a board game.
I will ask my daughter, "Oh what does Cindy want for Xmas." Her reply is "Oh get her shorts, she needs shorts". Meanwhile what Cindy really wants is Legos and my daughter goes and gets her all the Legos in the whole store.
Methinks this is some kind of power trip coming from the parents. I find this disturbing.
It sounds more like your power trip. You ask, your daughter tells you what to get...good enough. Don't get into this sort of thing, it is your daughter's role to assume. You can figure out many ways to spoil grandbabies, and most of the best ways don't cost anything.
I know obviously that I can ask the kids directly.
I know obviously that I can watch what for they like (as the other grandma suggested) and go from there.
I want to know why it is that my daughter hides something like this from me. Is it because she is controlling? Is it because she is being manipulative? Is it because she is so insecure as a mother that she doesn't want me getting a gift that the kids may like more than her gift?
I suspect it's reason no. 3, and that is REALLY SAD. She should be a big girl and just admit the whole thing, and then I can proceed accordingly.
Like I said, I am going to have a chat with her. I'm willing to bet money that she is going to say that she wants to get the "most wanted gift" and doesn't want me to get it. I cannot imagine being so insecure about your kids' love that you think being the one who buys the ipad is so important that you are willing to deceive your own mother over it. If she tells me she wants to buy the most wanted gift, that's fine. It's not like I am going to go buy a second ipad.
Just don't lie to my face and tell me that what they really want is pajamas. See what happens is that she is secretive and deceptive, and then I take that personally. And then I went and ask City Data posters what they think about the situation. She is creating the drama and mistrust by lying.
If she would have just said to me years ago "look they want XXXXX but i am gonna get them that, i am always gonna get the special gift" then OK. but it's the lying that I take personally.
By the way, I am not offended by all the people here who have raked me over the coals for my posts. I am sure that your own mothers and mothers in law have similar feelings like my own (I am specifically speaking to those of you who engage in these deceptive games). I know I am not the only one struggling with these family dynamics.
At least i am not one of those grandmothers who buys the kid 87 gifts and shoves it down the throats of the parents, or who buys the kids inappropriate gifts that the parents specifically say they do not want in the house.
I think you all are lucky that everyone has so much money to buy expensive gifts -- in some families, the parents would be thrilled that a grandparent would have that kind of money so the kids could get very expensive gifts because the parents couldn't.
I would just let the parents spend their money, they obviously have plenty and you can buy something inexpensive and use your money for other things.
Try to give your grandkids good experiences with you. Give them your time. That's better than anything.
If your daughter wants to give them the big ticket items, that is her decision, and its not a bad position to be in, really.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
