Trying to convince my partner that we should be in MN (Minneapolis: spring break, high crime)

[otterhere]

I would say "friends of 30-35 years and a government job of 20 years with a pension pending" are pretty darned good reasons to stay in Atlanta, so I don't blame your partner for being reluctant. She'd be crazy to cash out and start over at this point in her career, and maybe she's not as facile at "making new friends" as you are. Maybe she also prefers more temperate weather, not having Nordic genes. If you didn't like Georgia, perhaps you shouldn't have moved there. I'm curious; what are your ages?

Maybe work toward buying a vacation home in MN to visit now (you can rent it out the rest of the time) and maybe one day retire to, even if just part-time, doing the snowbird thing.

Sounds like basic incompatibility on an important issue (did you discuss this before embarking on your relationship?), and it's troublesome that you're trying to force your view or coerce her into it.

[cheapdad00]

Originally Posted by TheKiwi

Thank you Love reading about the literacy rate! I will add that to my list of growing positives about MN.

For those who live in the Twin Cities, how common is it to escape to nature outside of the city? In Atlanta but it's not super common for people to escape for a weekend to our mountains up North or to Lake Lanier (our major lake with water activities). I think people just get quite set in their ways in Atlanta, plus there's so much to do in the city. While the Twin Cities sound fabulous, a big part of the appeal of MN is escaping to nature. I'm just wondering how realistic that is, say to go up to the North Shore for a 5 day trip of skiing and exploring along Lake Superior, or a quick weekend getaway to Duluth? I get the impression long weekend escapes are more normalized there?

I would think that Atlanta people make weekend trips, maybe just not the Atlanta people who are in your circle. It sounds like you have listed all of the reasons that MN works for you. How many of those are important to your partner? Inertia is difficult to defeat, especially if the government pension is within range. I like the idea of multiple vacations to MN, just pick different times of the year to see if the cold is bearable for her.

[otterhere]

Originally Posted by TheKiwi

Personally I would never pressure someone to move with me somewhere where I don't think they'll be happy...I do not want her to give up things here only to be unhappy there.

But apparently you are and you do.

She's given you two very good reasons why she DOESN'T want to move there now, yet here you are, persisting. It sounds like you very much run the show and care more about getting your way than your partner's happiness and even financial well-being.

I asked earlier: are you younger? What do you do for a living (sorry if I missed it)?

As for pension versus lump sum, at least where I worked and retired from, you couldn't take a lump sum without losing your interim health care for the years between "early" retirement and Medicare eligibility, so that wouldn't be a good option. Also, how is she 25 years from retirement with 20 years of service? In our state, you could fully retire with just 27; even less if you "buy time." As a librarian, I assume she has an MSLS and makes a decent salary. She really needs to work 45 years to retire???

It doesn't sound feasible at all for her to relocate now, so it seems a loving partner would drop the subject.

What will you do if you CAN'T persuade her (even with C-D's help)? Pout? Act out? Leave her?

[evening sun]

Originally Posted by otterhere

But apparently you are and you do.

She's given you two very good reasons why she DOESN'T want to move there now, yet here you are, persisting. It sounds like you very much run the show and care more about getting your way than your partner's happiness and even financial well-being.

I asked earlier: are you younger? What do you do for a living (sorry if I missed it)?

As for pension versus lump sum, at least where I worked and retired from, you couldn't take a lump sum without losing your interim health care for the years between "early" retirement and Medicare eligibility, so that wouldn't be a good option. Also, how is she 25 years from retirement with 20 years of service? In our state, you could fully retire with just 27; even less if you "buy time." As a librarian, I assume she has an MSLS and makes a decent salary. She really needs to work 45 years to retire???

It doesn't sound feasible at all for her to relocate now, so it seems a loving partner would drop the subject.

What will you do if you CAN'T persuade her (even with C-D's help)? Pout? Act out? Leave her?

ITA. a list of a million positives for you, does not mean it will be likable to her. How does she feel about the winters, we know you like them, but maybe she does not. I hope the vacations will give a clearer picture. You sound as if you are pushing her to move, but you need to let her decide by herself.

[otterhere]

Originally Posted by ocnjgirl

You don't mention how she feels about cold weather. I would think that's pretty important in considering a move to MN. Have you discussed moving at all? Is she on board with moving? Does she have family/close friends where you are now? I mean, you can list all the pros in the world, but without knowing her feelings about moving overall, and any objections she might have to cold weather, it's hard to answer.

OP states that her partner would be leaving long-term friends AND family, including the mother (who's probably aging) to whom she's very close. Just because OP is happy to move around a lot and not be near family doesn't mean it's right for her partner, any more than her vegan diet is.

OP, how long have you been together?

Also, why can't you restart your flagging career or find another there if you're just in your 30s since you cite that as your main reason for relocating (although frankly your list sounds more like political reasons)?

Maybe you have itchy feet and won't like living in ANY place very long; that's a basic personality difference.

[Roboteer]

I lived in Minnesota for five years in 1976-1981.

Pretty place in many ways.

But the things that stand out to me now:

1.) IT'S COLD. *BITTERLY COLD* in winter. Stepping outside in full ski gear & hat when it's 25 below is like walking into a brick wall. It HURTS. And it will be the same tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.

2.) They pour salt on the roads in wintertime to try to reduce the snow and ice. This results in new cars showing significant rust in two years, and pieces of the car falling off in the third year. And it gets worse and worse, never stops.

3.) In summer, mosquitos. We used to call them the Minnesota State Bird. When practicing or instructing with marching bands and drum corps, you had to goop on the Cutter on every exposed square inch, so thick you could see it gleaming. Hated that feeling.

4.) There are only two distinct seasons, not four: (a) Winter, and (b) Road Construction. (another joke, but it's true.) It's hard to drive any distance, any where, in the warm season, without running into construction zones, lane closures, and roadblocks.

5.) Great biking paths in Spring/Summer.

I was also there when, one January, temperatures rose to 57F in the middle of the day one time. The local paper (Mpls Star-Trib) got out headline characters that hadn't been used since Sept. 1945 (VJ) when WWII ended, saying 57* (it was a little degree symbol, a tiny o, not an asterisk). Filled the front page from left edge to right edge, about a foot tall. It was weird riding my bike on a local street on a warm asphalt road... between ice ruts 10 inches apart that hadn't melted yet.

[TheKiwi]

Originally Posted by otterhere

But apparently you are and you do.

She's given you two very good reasons why she DOESN'T want to move there now, yet here you are, persisting. It sounds like you very much run the show and care more about getting your way than your partner's happiness and even financial well-being.

I asked earlier: are you younger? What do you do for a living (sorry if I missed it)?

As for pension versus lump sum, at least where I worked and retired from, you couldn't take a lump sum without losing your interim health care for the years between "early" retirement and Medicare eligibility, so that wouldn't be a good option. Also, how is she 25 years from retirement with 20 years of service? In our state, you could fully retire with just 27; even less if you "buy time." As a librarian, I assume she has an MSLS and makes a decent salary. She really needs to work 45 years to retire???

It doesn't sound feasible at all for her to relocate now, so it seems a loving partner would drop the subject.

What will you do if you CAN'T persuade her (even with C-D's help)? Pout? Act out? Leave her?

I think a lot of jumping to conclusions about our relationship has been happening in this thread which is frankly very insulting.

My partner agrees with me on many aspects of Atlanta that she doesn't enjoy and has said she's open to relocating IF we are sure about another place and see it as a long-term option for the two of us. That is why I made this thread - to find out about other positives of the state that she might enjoy.

She just wants to be careful and practical about a potential move which I completely agree with. I'm 38 and I'm not in the stage of my life where I would relocate just on vibes. MN has a lot of positives and I genuinely think it could be a good place for the two of us but only if she agrees. We would both be starting over in some ways in any other place so it is a big decision not to be made lightly. I agree with her.

So I'd appreciate it if all the talk about me forcing her to do this or being selfish would just stop. That's not how our relationship is. That's not what this situation is.

[otterhere]

Okay...but if you "need to convince" her, then she DOESN'T agree.

Good luck!

[TheKiwi]

Originally Posted by otterhere

Okay...but if you "need to convince" her, then she DOESN'T agree.

Good luck!

I think it's pretty common for 1 person in a relationship to come up with the idea of moving somewhere first, and then showing that place to the other person to "convince" them it could be a good place for the two of them. I think perhaps I shouldn't have used the word "convince" but rather should have said, "Tell me some other positives about MN that would show someone who doesn't know anything about MN that it's a good place to live".

I don't think this is the sign of imbalance in a relationship that you think it is based on using that 1 word.

[ocnjgirl]

Originally Posted by TheKiwi

I think it's pretty common for 1 person in a relationship to come up with the idea of moving somewhere first, and then showing that place to the other person to "convince" them it could be a good place for the two of them. I think perhaps I shouldn't have used the word "convince" but rather should have said, "Tell me some other positives about MN that would show someone who doesn't know anything about MN that it's a good place to live".

I don't think this is the sign of imbalance in a relationship that you think it is based on using that 1 word.

Okay, but you didn't answer about how she feels about cold weather. That's probably the number one most important factor in moving to such a freezing cold state. Also how old is her mother and is there other family around the area to help her mom as she ages? I know I would not have been able to move once my mother became elderly because I was all she had.