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Forget to ask - what do you think about his mum and dad building a granny annexxe on to our house? Is it worth going for do you think? They would pay our debts off, they would pay the bills every month and having his parents around would be therapeutic for darling hubby!!! I wouldn't have to work so much. Could it work. Or should I just kick his a....out the door? The next 6 months are going to be big changes. But changes it what direction?
Kick his ass out the door. Big time. The next 6 months could be months of transformation and finding a stronger person in yourself, or they could be 6 more months of you being abused. You're basing the stability of your future marriage on his parents moving in??? How sad is that. Just cut your losses (which have been many), and start a fresh life. It won't be easy, but there are people on this board that have been there (sometimes more than once). No amount of advice can change your situation though, you have to do it. Your husband GUARANTEED is gonna lash out at you again, and again, and again. It won't stop, and it won't be consistent. You'll be lulled again into thinking everything is past, and it'll happen again, breaking you down even more. Go back and re-read every single one of your posts talking about your husband. Sound like he's gonna change?
Yesterday, Hubby sweetness and light. If only he could always be like that. I found an old diary yesterday - from 2002 - it was in the wash basket in the garage! Reading it I realise nothing does change. Hubby telling me to "Why don't you f....die right now", hubby pushing me about, me writing down how I felt....blah, blah, blah......etc.....etc.....One excerpt read ">>>>>came to church with me today (this is unusual), he sat smiling whilst the pastor spoke, he put his arm around me, on the way home.....F...this....F....that, yelling at the kids in the house, verbally abusive to me - that is a fast change, from smiling in church, to crazy at lunch"
What sets it off. I have tried everything. I have talked to him, yelled at him, sworn back at him, tried not to argue with him - nothing works!!! Now here I am in 2008, still stupid, still hoping and trying. Yes everyone I am an idiot. Thing is, one minute hubby is sweetness and light and everything in the world is right and the next he goes crazy. For instance.......last week, I threw a piece of bread out for the rabbits (children's pets), should use proper rabbit food but none in the house - hubby see's the bread and starts yelling "Why do you do it, why?" I said "OK" trying not to get drawn into an argument. He starts yelling, kids are around, he slams his fists on the kitchen worktop, acting all dramatic like the end of the world had arrived because of a piece of bread!!! It is little silly things that set him off.
/////// is not physically abusive anymore, it is the verbal abuse and the emotional abuse that is hard. When I have talked to him about it, he says he has really tried hard to change, he is sorry that he acted physically abusive in the past, he wishes he hadn't, he was an idiot. These little things are like carrots dangled in front of you - giving you hope that the future can be good. My son loves his dad, my daughter tolerates him! On new years eve went to a nearby pretty town, when we got there my daughter slipped and fell down hard, hubby just stood over her and said "shall we just leave her here she is an embarassment" I really told him off, he apologised to my daughter but the damage had been done. My daughter later told me she hated her dad. But often time she is hugging him - he was the one who gave her the rabbits.
Lots of stories I could tell. One last one for you - a few months ago, I was getting ready for working the night shift at the hospital. Hubby created a row - can't remember what about now - he swore at me F..... off, up the stairs at me, in front of the children. I was so mad, I thourght, why am I working all these nights, putting up with this man, I told the kids "
Come on we're going. I've had enough. My son and daughter didn't want to leave. I calmed down - thourght how my colleagues were expecting me at the hospital - I spent some time calming the children down, while my hubby, was down stairs feeling sorry for himself. I then had to go and work a very busy night shift, hubby didn't say sorry or one word to me. But I very nearly left that night. It's always nearly isn't it guys.
Maybe humans are afraid of change, we get used to the little that we have instead of looking the possibility of what we could have. Thing is, I am ill, I have been off sick for a while, money problems are looming. If I lose the house it is definitly good bye to hubby. If his mum and dad moved into a built annexe would that help things? Maybe, hubby is unhappy, miserable, fed up, if he was happy - his mum and dad living in an annexe - bills all paid more money - would he be happy then? Would I still have to put up with his mood swings. He blows hot and cold. I have told him he is a jagged stone. He cuts everyone who handles him. Thank you for listening to this, if you have a good hubby/wife cherish that.......all I ever wanted was a happy marriage, not to live in a war zone.
It would be better to lose your house then stay in that situation. That is my thoughts on that... I believe you will be even more miserable once his parents move in (if that is what is going to happen). Your basing your story on the fact that if he had the bills paid and everything was peachy keen would he be happy? Well I dont know.. but from what I gather here.. he has been this way since the beginning of the relationship... have you all been struggling since the beginning and he has been acting this way only because of the fact that you all have had money problems from the beginning? I dont think so.. you dont change the spots on that leopard very easily... You will still have issues once they move in.. heck you may have more..
You have a place to stay if you decide to boogie? Mom and Dads? Somewhere? to get your stuff back in line and then start fresh? I think you need a fresh start... but I wish you luck in your future endeavours!!
Forget to ask - what do you think about his mum and dad building a granny annexxe on to our house? Is it worth going for do you think? They would pay our debts off, they would pay the bills every month and having his parents around would be therapeutic for darling hubby!!! I wouldn't have to work so much. Could it work. Or should I just kick his a....out the door? The next 6 months are going to be big changes. But changes it what direction?
How well do you get along with his parents? I mean, is it a possibility to kick dh out yet still have his parents build the annex? That way, your children would have a multi generational homelife, dh could visit the kids (and you would have safety knowing his parents are there in case dh was is a bad mood), and you would have an economic safety net. Think about it, this may answer all your prayers.
Hey another peaceful day.....amazing.....hubby made everyone popcorn, took the dog over the fields to get rabbits food - went with my son. Today - he didn't come to church but he stayed home and cleaned and tidied the house. Happy mood when I came home - no arguments so far........wait for it.....
All the family watched a really good film together - hubby fine. Now is the lulling stage - lull, lull,lull, start forgetting the arguments, start believing things are going to be fine......the sky is blue, the grass is green everything is oh so serene........la,la,la (birds singing)la,la,la,happy,happy..........oh, he's changed, he's nice, we're a happy family.....things are all going to be just fine......................yeah..........
Jenna, how often does this happen? Can you pinpoint how long he will go in a good mood before he flips again? Will you have say maybe a month of peace, then you see it slowly build up, then in one week the build up grows & grows, then BAM! He's in a rage yelling & screaming? Once you have "the fight" and he lets his steam out on you, will he then mellow out again, then be "good" for a month, maybe 3 or don't you get that long?
He needs to be seen by a pro. Talk to your family doctor. It very well could be an anger problem where medication will help him. There is also bi-polar but I'm not so sure that is it.
Is anyone else in his family like this? Look at grandparents. Maybe both of his grandparents were like this but not as bad?
Why do you stay? Because you are afraid to leave and have to take your kids from their father. If you left, would the kids be affected? Probably. Your daughter, who is part of this may or may not be affected. There are 2 of you on the receiving end, sorry, but you need to think deeper into this. If it was "only" you, it would be one thing but he is lashing out on your girl. Not fair. I am surprised she does not have emotional problems already. Your son, there is no way I would give this man custody. Even though your son does not get the "wind" from him, he very well could since he would be the only one there. If this does happen, and chances are it will, will your son be honest with you if he is not living with you, or will he feel like he deserves it since he did not "get it" when you were together? No, leaving your boy to stay with this man would be a mistake.
I speak from experience. My girl was the one that did not get it, she could do no wrong; but my son & I.. different story. It started as verbal, of course. My son's grades (this was not his kid) went down, my ex started verbally abusing him until one day I think he kicked him, then punched me. I saw an attorney, got photos of the bruise. I lived there about another month. He lashed out at me, I went to call the cops, he tried to hit me with the phone. I had him removed.
Years later, my daughter, who was being told, I never hit your mother, etc.. well, now she is old enough to think for herself & he takes it out on her. I don't let her visit much but she ends up breaking me down so then I let her go. So far he is verbally abusive. My girl has had a lot of emotional issues due to him since the divorce and runs hot & cold. Medication is a big help. She's at an age where she doesn't know how to deal with her feelings and lashes out.
Money / stress - there is no excuse for him treating you the way he does. Sure he's stressed about money & I think you mentioned possibly losing the house, but aren't you stressed as well? Do you do this to him? No. Why should he do it to you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie
Thank you everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it. My hubby refuses to go to counselling atall. He's very stubborn. I have talked to my sister in the past about my hubby, she's sick and tired of hearing about it now - but I know she would support me if I left.
Of course your sister is tired of hearing it. She loves you and doesn't understand why you stay if you are so unhappy. Unless she's ever been in a relationship like this she has no clue.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie
I have worked full time nights as a nurse. Now I am ill with an auto immune disease. I think all the financial stressess, childcare and hubby problems have all hit me.
You are a nurse and know you need to get out of there. Look for cinderobyn, she is now out of a relationship like this and last I read, her health was getting better.
You know your own answers, you know staying will not work.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennaflorrie
My dad's a strong christian - I really respect him - he thinks divorce is a bad thing, you have to pray for your hubby, trust God. But if I am ill - because of the stress of this marriage - then maybe my days of fighting for this marriage are over.
If being a Christian isn't working for you, there are other faiths. I honestly don't think that God would want you to suffer, which you are. Is your father going to disown you if you divorce this man?
Go find yourself an online private blog where you can keep an online diary.
Jenna, how often does this happen? Can you pinpoint how long he will go in a good mood before he flips again? Will you have say maybe a month of peace, then you see it slowly build up, then in one week the build up grows & grows, then BAM! He's in a rage yelling & screaming? Once you have "the fight" and he lets his steam out on you, will he then mellow out again, then be "good" for a month, maybe 3 or don't you get that long?
He needs to be seen by a pro. Talk to your family doctor. It very well could be an anger problem where medication will help him. There is also bi-polar but I'm not so sure that is it.
Is anyone else in his family like this? Look at grandparents. Maybe both of his grandparents were like this but not as bad?
If being a Christian isn't working for you, there are other faiths. I honestly don't think that God would want you to suffer, which you are. Is your father going to disown you if you divorce this man?
Go find yourself an online private blog where you can keep an online diary.
He has had these ups and downs for years. For maybe 2 weeks sometimes more he's be ok, then he would go crazy - often over NOTHING. Once he has lost it, he stays simmering for a few days, then he warms up - getting nicer, kinder. Just as I get to the point where I am about to GO he starts getting nicer. He blows hot and cold. His mum and dad are ok. His dad has put his mum down a LITTLE bit, but nothing major. I thourght maybe hubbys diabetes was causing it.
sounds like you understand having been through it yourself. I admire your courage.
He is 3 hours late from work - probably gone to see mommy and daddy again, kids have not asked where he is.
I could never change my faith - I love the lord and I know that being a christian is not always some easy ride - I ultimately do trust him to take care of me and my faith will not ever end. I know that my hubby, who blames God for everything, is also in God's hands - you know one day HE might just push god too far - I am not asking God to punish him, but I do trust God.
My dad is a lovely, christian man - he would not disown me, he just takes the marriage vows seriously -as do I.....which is why I have put up with this for so long. But Dad doesn't know what's been going on completley - if he did, he would probably tell me to go.....
I am a very loyal person. I am strong, I want what is best for my children first and foremost. But this auto immune disease COULD kill me - hence the title of this thread - as I do believe that hubby has been a big reason for this illness.
As for the on line journal.......maybe a good idea. I don't intend to go through every single day on here with you guys - I just wanted you to go through one cycle with me and tell me if this family can stay together or if there is absolutely NO HOPE!!!
He has had these ups and downs for years. For maybe 2 weeks sometimes more he's be ok, then he would go crazy - often over NOTHING. Once he has lost it, he stays simmering for a few days, then he warms up - getting nicer, kinder. Just as I get to the point where I am about to GO he starts getting nicer. He blows hot and cold. His mum and dad are ok. His dad has put his mum down a LITTLE bit, but nothing major. I thourght maybe hubbys diabetes was causing it.
sounds like you understand having been through it yourself. I admire your courage.
He is 3 hours late from work - probably gone to see mommy and daddy again, kids have not asked where he is.
I could never change my faith - I love the lord and I know that being a christian is not always some easy ride - I ultimately do trust him to take care of me and my faith will not ever end. I know that my hubby, who blames God for everything, is also in God's hands - you know one day HE might just push god too far - I am not asking God to punish him, but I do trust God.
My dad is a lovely, christian man - he would not disown me, he just takes the marriage vows seriously -as do I.....which is why I have put up with this for so long. But Dad doesn't know what's been going on completley - if he did, he would probably tell me to go.....
I am a very loyal person. I am strong, I want what is best for my children first and foremost. But this auto immune disease COULD kill me - hence the title of this thread - as I do believe that hubby has been a big reason for this illness.
As for the on line journal.......maybe a good idea. I don't intend to go through every single day on here with you guys - I just wanted you to go through one cycle with me and tell me if this family can stay together or if there is absolutely NO HOPE!!!
This really makes me sad.
The only hope you have is to regain your own sanity. There is no relationship to save, the relationship is just an illusion.
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