my husband is killing me. (female, sex, friends, problems)

[Roselvr]

Your advice is good, just have a few things to add...

Originally Posted by trmc2007

Day 2-We went to her bank she pulled out $200.00 and opened her own checking account at another bank, left their joint account as is. Went to her work and she changed her auto deposit to the new account.

*This needs to be thought about before taking any money out of accounts as once divorce starts, you might have to pay part of it back. There is a paper trail, it was joint, both names, usually you are entitled to 1/2. Best to speak to an attorney 1st.

As for auto deposit, also consider if any (auto) bills get taken out of accounts. If they do, you should stop this asap or you might start bouncing checks..

Originally Posted by trmc2007

Went to the local Saturn dealership and she traded in the family car for her own car under her name.. YOU can ONLY do this depending on how the title of the car reads, in this case ir read (his name OR her name) therefore he didnt have to sign to have the car traded in. The new car was smaller and she qualified on the trade in value and her credit.

Even though it says either or, she could still have to give him credit for 1/2 of the cars worth.

Originally Posted by trmc2007

.... and what started all this ??? she ran out of Folgers Coffee Crystals for his morning cup of coffee.

Guess he isn't a morning person?
It's a shame that for some people this is all it takes.

Wishing your friend luck.

[lyoness]

"I am not saying this is going to work for everyone, and I am not saying to go do it, I am writing to say this is what we did for our friend who was in need of help, who like you was slowly dying inside. It was a struggle the whole time, she loved him she said... by Day 5 she didnt give a crap.

.... and what started all this ??? she ran out of Folgers Coffee Crystals for his morning cup of coffee."

Wish I would have had friends like you! Most people don't understand, especially when the man is so nice to everyone else, you have no self esteem left and are scared to death of making a stand. It takes hard work, and there are so many great organizations that will help.

[trmc2007]

Lyoness, that was so hard for me to write. I see women with that look, the timid, afraid to say the wrong thing.. the looks from the husband that they think no one else sees....they can be so charming..

My friend is doing well now, my husband and I love her dearly and she has lost weight, she is healthy, she is living life she positively glows and her children laugh and are doing so much better.

For sure I think god smiled on me that day, for stepping up to the plate and doing what no one else was willing to do. It was scary and it was hard, this was someones life....And if god didnt thats okay too, I like to think I made a small difference in a very tough world.

I am sorry if you had it tough at one time, love does not conquer all, but its so nice when you give it to someone and get it back.

[trmc2007]

Roslvr- thanks for bringing up those points---its true not all state laws are the same..... Being as we are from CA. And its a 1/2 state and a no fault state.. there is No -he did this she did that kind of thing... and divorce cannot be contested.....it can be-- but its always granted.

Also she is keeping the house in which they live until her youngest is 18yrs, and then they sell it and split the proceeds or she can buy him out on it.

Because she didnt sell anything of his, forwarded his mail, took care of the bills, and made sure he was not treated unfairly which is MORE then I can say about some of you men who divorce your wives.....his lawyer didnt have a leg to stand on.

And.. we also put up a huge "BEWARE of DOG SIGN" so that the ex couldnt sue her if he got bit by Thor. Thor doesnt bite... he has no teeth! LOL he just barks loud.

What we did was well within the boundaries. no grey area here.

All she took was $200. and did not close the account, nor remove her name from the account... so from that point on it was techically his sole account & his money. She never touched it again.

As for automatic bill pay and debits. All bills -gas, elec, water, car and her credit cards were then paid directly from her new checking account so nothing bounced or fell behind. Credit Cards that were hers but he was the second name (user) were closed since she was the main card holder and can close or remove a name from an account. And they were all paid off. So now she has cards in her own name.

A for the car it was checked with the dealer and what she did was legal and did not have to pay anything to him since the "OR" makes the difference from "AND" which would have made it joint property.

So -- disclaimer- if your not sure ask a lawyer--

And she did when she went to the womens shelter and obtained her laywer. In all seriousness, dont wait until it get drastic like this, and Like I said this isnt for everyone, just its what worked for her.

The judge was surprised my friend was as confident and self assured as she was. and given the out burst from her ex-- I guess the judge was right.

PS... keep in mind...in all seriousness, there are many men out there that get abused by thier wives too, its not just women who are abused.

[Donna7]

Originally Posted by trmc2007

.. and I keep asking myself.... why in the world would a woman that has all the freedom to choose the man she wants be with-- put up with this abuse?

Seriously... if he hits you, you all the police... and when they ask if you want to press charges you say yes...and you get the emergency restraining order. SEE BELOW-.. Half your illness is that your simply worn down, take control of your life, its hard its not easy, and some think easier said then done, maybe so, but he doesnt expect you to be strong, or stand up to him. Go to your church there are groups and organizations for this type of situation.

I just had a girlfriend go through this .. until he beat the living crap out of her so badly, she wanted to kill herself... I went to her house after she called me. He had just left for a business trip for 1 week...here is what her 7 days speedy trip to freedom looked like.

Day one- Took digital time stamp camera pictures of her. I went to the local home depot got new locks for her house, changed the code on her garage door, bought a rottwieller and sent her 2 teen kids to her moms for "summer vacation". She went and got a restraining order, her dad was set as the process server and he flew to the city her husband was at and served him at the conference. Copies were filed and court was set into motion

He was calling and screaming on the phone-- leaving hostile voice msg's..did you know that if a person leaves voice msgs that are recorded it is Admissable in court? because they know they are being recorded?

She was scared, afraid he wouldnt love her anymore.. it would be worse when he got home... what would people say... but we moved onto day 2

Day 2-We went to her bank she pulled out $200.00 and opened her own checking account at another bank, left their joint account as is. Went to her work and she changed her auto deposit to the new account. Went to the local Saturn dealership and she traded in the family car for her own car under her name.. YOU can ONLY do this depending on how the title of the car reads, in this case ir read (his name OR her name) therefore he didnt have to sign to have the car traded in. The new car was smaller and she qualified on the trade in value and her credit.

He is calling, and a few of his friends came over--- they were greated by Thor! at the front door.....they left.

Day 3- all house hold utility accounts were transferred to her name. Her US mail was transferred to a post office box. His mail came to the house, she bundled each days....and forwarded it in an large envelope, registered to his work. All his items (clothes, boat, mower, fishing gear, photos, books, and favorite coffee mug etc..were packed, labled, pictures taken with time stamp and and put into storage that her parents paid a 6 months fee for in his name and key was left at Storage front desk for him to pick up.

Day 4- she went to the local women shelter and got information on obtaining a lawyer and she started divorce proceedings.

He called now-- sending her flowers,,, told her he was sorry, and he loved her, he would never do it again...it was a mistake...think about the kids.... yada yada. She was thinking about the kids..

Day 5- She went to the movies for the first time in 2 years, bought a new blouse and had Starbucks.

Day 6- he came home early. Couldnt get in , called and screamed at her, caused a scene. she called the police. he was arrested for violating the restraining order.

Day 7- Her new life is well on its way....

She had been married to him for over 10 years, and he hit her every day, yes a slap here and there, a pinch a push... and it just kept getting worse.

I am not saying this is going to work for everyone, and I am not saying to go do it, I am writing to say this is what we did for our friend who was in need of help, who like you was slowly dying inside. It was a struggle the whole time, she loved him she said... by Day 5 she didnt give a crap.

.... and what started all this ??? she ran out of Folgers Coffee Crystals for his morning cup of coffee.

Your friend is lucky and blessed to have a friend like you; so many women seem to be in these horrible situations. I think that your detailed breakdown of your friend's road to freedom inspires others who are in bad situations. Thanks for being a friend (to your friend). Bless you.

P.S. - A woman that I know from an internet board that I've been a part of for a very long time shared her experience of her husband withdrawing their (1) state income tax refund, (2) federal tax refund, (3) income stimulus rebate check (refund) from their joint checking account and putting it all in his individual account that she has no clue where it's located or how much he has in there. The refund were pretty substantial as they have at least 7 (possibly 8) children. She wanted just a small part of at least the economic stimulus rebate check so that she could get a few things that she needed for the house and the kids. This is how he controls her and how she's "stuck". The people on the board couldn't believe that he was able to do what he did (withdraw all of that money), but he did (with no problem).

[trmc2007]

abso-freaking-lutely he can if they have a joint checking account... yes indeedy.. however if she wanted to divorce him he would be required by law to divulge it,not sure where they live but in NY.... the judges are quite nasty towards spouses that try to hide income during such proceedings, and seeing as how they have that many children... he would be paying through the nose.

Tough tough tough... but ya know I told my friend... we all saw the sign in this guy before you married him... and so did you.... men dont wake up ine day and say - gee today looks like a good day to start smacking the little woman around... THWAK!

There are signs, subtle but there... and women -- will find a way to "fix it" "make it better"- "love him more" or the ever popular--- "We (friends and family) just dont understand him like she does!" ya okay!

[lyoness]

trmc2007 you are truely her angel I had to do it all on my own, I was married at the age of 15, for 15 yrs, had 3 children. I won't go into my childhood, but lets just say that I was told straight out by my family that I would be disowned if I left him. What we see in hind site It started out all verbal abuse then progressed to him getting in fights with anyone I would talk to, very controlling from the start (we were just teenagers then). Then the little pushes started to put me thru the drywall, once I wound up in the hostipal half dead (he told the family I was in a car accident, thank god his sister suspected other and took pictures). It took 3 yrs to get my divorce for the fighting, and we had nothing at all to fight over. He moved in with his mistress the day after I came home from the lawyers and handed him the papers (with a police escort for my protection). I'm sorry, this is long winded and not even my thread...but I am so pationate about this... it only starts with a phrase, a raised voice, a pinch, a push. If I can help anyone wake up and seek help before it gets too far I would talk all day. Today (18 yrs later) I am happy, strong, content (as are my children, who witnessed things no child should ever see). Happiness can be had if you just reach for it! And I will say it again, Love does not hurt!

[trmc2007]

Lyoness.. I send you a huge hug and sincere loving thoughts for a better life to continue that you have started.

I write in posts here and get slammed for some things I say, but that goes with the territory of public opinions LOL.

But its nice to know that what I did was appreciated in the readings by others..and hopefully it will help those that are afraid... good luck and I will see you in posts....

[lyoness]

Originally Posted by trmc2007

Lyoness.. I send you a huge hug and sincere loving thoughts for a better life to continue that you have started.

I write in posts here and get slammed for some things I say, but that goes with the territory of public opinions LOL.

But its nice to know that what I did was appreciated in the readings by others..and hopefully it will help those that are afraid... good luck and I will see you in posts....

Huge hugs back!! Angels like you are few and far between. Few people want to get involved, they think it is none of their business. But when a person is in an abusive relationship they turn into a hollow shell, just existing, with no courage or self esteem to even be able to plan an escape. Depending on how far into themselves they have sunk sometimes a true intervention is the only way to get them out. I'm sure your friend truely is thankful for you!

[juliann]

This is so sad. I feel sad for you when I read this. At the same time I think of the horrible way it is so similar to my marriage.
At the end of Sept I had to get a personal protection order against my husband. He was very verbally abusive and sometimes physical. I flet just like your title to your post. I felt like my husband was killing me. He has been gone for almost 6 weeks now. He has not been allowed to contact me in anyway. I feel so much relief and comfort. I don't mean to assume that this is what you should do, but I know that what I did was absolutely the best thing for me, and perhaps it saved my life. Believing in God and being a Christian does not require you to stay ina horrible situation. And the diabetes is not what is making your husband treat you the way he does. I'm sorry for the pain your in.