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The dr calls us in now. We have a seat. L and I sit on a couch directly infront of the dr. j starts to sit next to me, but then sits in a chair to my right, facing the side of the dr.
The dr sits there, in a swivel chair, and he can see all of us, turning ever so slightly. He sees him, just as the man sitting in the waiting area does. Never once has he met j. That was the very first time. I am j, he says, I am Ls father. Woohoo, I think to myself. I know I should not have, but I did.
What happened, L? He says to her. She cries. I do not. Not anymore. She tells a bit of what happened, but not all. He already knows what happened, and has it all printed out there infront of him.
As we were all sitting down, he turned on his slimline recorder, it was sitting in a place that you could not notice. I noticed. j did not. Everything that was said was recorded. He did it in a manner that would not be noticable, and he has never recorded any other visit. None but this one. The recorder was laying flat on top of something on his desk, and he motioned like he was messing with something up there, the recorder being turned on, and he picked something else up, as though it was what he was getting at the whole time.
But I saw. And I am glad.
So, I filled in the blanks, and he asked her if it happened that way, and she cried, him asking her if it was true, did that happen. yes sir.
Her head held down, tears flowing, he hands her a tissue. I rub her leg, and hold her hand.
j sits there all knowing. I am the man. blahblah blah.
The dr says, j, are you there for them, for your family, for L?
We are separated.
I understand this, but are you there for them?
Hesitation.
Not as much as I would like to be, because I live 45 minutes, no I live an hour away.
Why? Where do you live?
He tells where, and then says that he could not afford to have his own place, because he has to pay child support. He cannot afford to live. He says I share a room with my nephew. I have to pay 300 a month for gas.
I say nothing. This is not about him, and it is not about me, it is about her.
Why do you think this happened, L? As he turned his attention back to her. I don't know, she says. You don't know? No sir?
Were you hurt, L? Most of the times when we get angry, it is because before that, we are hurting inside.
Yes sir, she says. I was hurt.
Why were you hurting?
Because. Because why? Because of the separation, she says.
Would it make you feel better if you saw your Daddy more? No sir.
Do you see him enough? Yes sir.
Do you talk to him? Yes sir.
He turns now, to j. Can you try and see her more? During the week? Can you stop by after work and see her, see them? You are in town.
No I can't. She wont let me in the house. Dr turns to me. Does not say anything, not a word, just a raise of the eyebrow.
Yep, thats right. He is not to come in the house.
She wont even let me in the driveway. I have to park on the street.
I do not get into it, not the place, not the time.
Just the facts, ma'am. Can he see them during the week?
He sure can. It was spoken about in mediation.
He turns to him now, how was mediation? He gets this look on his face... the arrogant one.
It was terrible. I say, I thought the mediators were wonderful. They did a very good job. We were there for five hours. He huffed.
Rolled his eyes. I said he wanted them every weekend, and I wanted them everyother.
The dr says, that is good, some people cannot last 5 minutes within the confines of the same room. Just like now.
Well, she wont let me in the house. And I have to get home. I just cant go over there. I have to get home, and I have to get up early in the morning.
A smile crosses my face. He shows himself so well. Doesn't realize it, but he does.
The visit was a good one. She understood things. She told thedr that it would be made better by us being back together.
The dr said that is not going to happen. So what else will make you happy? She cried.
Seeing daddy more? No sir. Seeing daddy without A? No sir. Are you fine with seeing daddy together with A? Yes sir.
We left after a while, and as soon as we got out, he started saying more things to her to make her feel bad.
He says to me, I need you to sign a paper. Its my life insurance, I dont know why they are having me get you to sign. LOL
The visit was a long one, of course many things having gone on in there that I do not write about. It was a good one. He showed who he is. The dr wrote everything, and it was recorded.
Things are getting better. Day by day, hour by hour.
Wow! I'm not sure I totally understand what happened with the doctor. But, if my impressions are correct, L. gave recorded info that explains herself quite clearly.
It sounds to me as if she wants you and DAIB (sorry, maybe I'll be able to use 'j.' in the future) to be living at the same place because it makes her life easier in some ways. However, she does not want to spend more time with her father than she is currently.
She gave a very enlightening message to this doctor.
Is there a follow up? What was the outcome of this visit? Gee. I'm nosey.
I AM IMPRESSED ROBYN!! You are so right that ib showed his true colors - the doctor could perceive all (and probably more) than you could ever complain about.
I feel sorry for L, that she is craving her daddy's approval...but rather faces all that emotional abuse and rejection, each time she is with him. She needs to be in therapy in an ongoing way, to share and air those feelings as she matures. Good Lord, he is an idiot! Incidentally, you are sounding very strong in your dealings with ib. You continue to be a role model for facing adversity, until it no longer overwhelms you.
Once again, I'm guessing you have moved through and dealt with a family adjustment issue (to be expected), and you have come out the other end a stronger, well-grounded person. Just remember you are not alone in these things, as each of us often are faced with the ugliness of raw reality as our lives unfold too. Life can be difficult. Facing the issues and doing the best we can in dealing with it, is all we can ask of ourselves...sometimes seeking help from others/professionals is all we can do. BRAVO!
I feel very certain that life will be GREAT for you in the future. You deserve it. Praying that your sweet family continues to adjust and accept life as it is.
I'm really glad that she has an outlet for her frustration and anxiety. She's still relatively young and kids are often upset by and resistant to drastic change in their life.
I went through a similar divorce situation as yours when I was young and for a long time I think that I had hoped that my parents would re-unite. But then after a time the realization that it wasn't going to happen really began to set in and I adjusted to it and really tried to not let it bother me.
In those days divorce really wasn't nearly as common, and the biggest hurt came from the fact that most of my friends had normal functioning families. But my best friends became a sort of support group, not that we ever talked about it much, but we had so much fun doing activities together as kids that it really replaced the loss of my father in a big way. Plus a couple of close friends also had gone through divorce or had a missing parent, so I knew that I wasn't the only that had a "broken" home.
I think that it led me to become more involved in youth sports (like baseball), the YMCA, and especially in school with academics as I had grown to very much admire and respect my grade school teachers all that much more. They became my most important role models in the absence of my father. And yes, many times the parents of my closest friends and neighbors went out of their way to show me extra kindness and to include me in activities with their own children.
When other parents would root for me in Little League, or I would get recognition from a teacher in school, I think that really meant so much to me as a child.
And as I got older and learned other kids that I knew had also experienced a family break-up, it became a consolation of sorts. And over time, I become immune to the initial upset and shock of only having a single parent family.
Nowdays I don't think that kids have nearly as many close neighborhood friends & families providing such a social support structure, or as many neighborhood activities, so it's not as easy for a child to find ways to divert their attention from their immediate problems.
Plus, because I didn't have visitation with my dad or regular contact, I didn't have to re-live the pain of separation each and every time that visitation occurs as Lindsey does.
I can imagine that alone can be a very upsetting thing for a child to have to go through after the end of each visitation. When a child is accustomed to having a parent readily available to show some love, attention and affection, and they just aren't there when they usually expect them to be or need them the most, it's going to be upsetting.
Sometimes a single parent just can't replace the missing parent. A child will need to find an effective way to cope by finding activities and developing interests to effectively occupy their time which will truely make them happy while they are doing it.
These days kids spend most of their time in the house alone not able to socialize. I see that with my own kids, who go from home to school and back again. They spend so much time alone without much "fun" socializing outside of school that stimulating happiness just isn't as easy to initiate anymore.
I wonder if there's a Girl Scout troop, or a church group, a YWCA or a Boy's & Girl's Club in your area to allow Lindsey a chance to participate in and belong to. Maybe she would benefit from having more happy experiences with members of her peer group or even a little bit older, as they will help her to shape a healthy outlook & self-image beyond the bounds of just her immediate family.
The world is much bigger than just our own family unit, and we really need to instill goals, aspirations and socialization skills in our children to help them cope with life beyond the family unit.
While this may not sound relevant, let me repeat that I went though this when I was 9 years old. The activites certainly went a long way toward creating happy diversions. We had so many kids in the neighborhood to play nearly every sandlot sport, we had city Park & Recreation Dept. playgrounds, events & activities in the summer, public swimming pools & swimming lessons, soccer league, girl's softball league, Camp Fire Girls, Girl Scouts, 4 H Clubs, YWCA, Church Youth groups...these activities may be out there to join. Sometimes the mother of a friend will help to provide transportation or share supervision duties, but the emotional and social needs of a growing child do need to be enhanced somehow.
Try to stimulate and increase the amount of their happy experiences as they grow up. Not all of the nurturing can come from a single mom as they grow. It truely takes a village to raise a child, even in a 2 parent household. I can only encourage you to try to find the kids some extra curricular activities, especially with spring on the way. As long as they are involved in safe, wholesome and properly supervised activities, they should benefit from them with a growth in happy social experiences.
That's just my 2 cents from the peanut gallery of personal experience.
Wow! I'm not sure I totally understand what happened with the doctor. But, if my impressions are correct, L. gave recorded info that explains herself quite clearly.
It sounds to me as if she wants you and DAIB (sorry, maybe I'll be able to use 'j.' in the future) to be living at the same place because it makes her life easier in some ways. However, she does not want to spend more time with her father than she is currently.
She gave a very enlightening message to this doctor.
Is there a follow up? What was the outcome of this visit? Gee. I'm nosey.
Obviously, something happened in my home on Monday evening. It was not a good something, and it is nothing I want to ever experience again in my whole life of living.
It touched all three of us. What put its hand in my hone Monday evening placed it on all of us.
I get that she is fine with when she sees him, etc. The outcome of this visit is that her meds have been upped, slightly, although there are many factors, he does not think this is one of diagnoses.
He thinks it is a behavior issue. Could possibly be added hormones; estrogen, progesterone. I did not mention that they just came home from being with him all weekend.
The dr asked ib where the kids sleep. He tells him they make it work.
The outcome, getting out the reason why happened did happen, and what can happen if it happens again. I had talked with her about this previously, and he reinforced it. He got a bit bold with me, with a wink in his eye.
He said ROBYN! This is a child with Aspergers. She is intelligent. She knows what she did. She knows what this word means. I agree, I tell him.
She gets a little upset with his tone placed on me. j looks like the man has gone off the wall.
LOL. He hadn't though. He was placing an urgency on what she did, he was letting her know that I protected her from what she did. That very possibly, I would not protect her from it, if it happened again. He looked to me, is that right, Robyn?
Yes sir.
We follow in 2 weeks. Whether or not ib will come, is yet to be seen. I asked him if he could bring her..... no. I didn't think so.
What happened Monday, I am not ready to share. It is too painful, and it is too fresh. We are ok, I am once again... strengthened from something that has happened.
ROBYN, no surprise here. Your children should be acting out bec of the separation and probably bec of the environment they continue to experience at ib's. He's an idiot! You handled it well, no need to spread your laundry around...it might get me started with mine.
We're all here supporting you as you go through this very difficult post-separation period. Sounds like you handled it responsibly. Continued prayers for the three of you.
Thank you, MsV, everyone... the kids and I have had a really good past couple of days. I am back to work tomorrow, and for the life of me, I so do not want to go.
I sit here and wonder if they did any of the work, or are leaving it for me, for tomorrow.
They had to do it, couldn't let it get too awful backed up...
I'm sorry, Robyn. I didn't realize that the doctor's visit was related to what happened on Monday night. I thought it was a regular check up sort of thing.
I'm sorry, Robyn. I didn't realize that the doctor's visit was related to what happened on Monday night. I thought it was a regular check up sort of thing.
Thats ok... He would have never showed up to something that was routine, not ever ever ever. I could hardly believe he showed up to this.
When it was all happening, and before it got so very bad, I called him, he needed to come here right away. He turned off his phone and left to go to the grocery store.
He sat there, as we walked in the door, with his notebook, like he was something else. Writing in it, as I was speaking with the dr. He does have to write things down, he can never remember the important things...
Go figure.
So, yes, it was about Monday. A did not want to go, he wanted to stay at home and 'take care of the house'
I let him...
It's ok, Rockky...
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