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Hopefully, Dad will give your son a boost while they are together.
Your landlord sounds wonderful and I suggest your son takes her up on him moving to a different apartment, just in case she is too dense to get the message.
I hope he blocks her from any further contact. 45 minutes is not that far away and her friend(s) might get fed up and bring her back in a few days.
Good luck.
Yes he’s blocking her.
I am going to speak to the property manager again tomorrow about changing apartments and building security. (It is a secured building).
His telling her that his Dad will be there tomorrow night is what finally got her to call a friend.
For what it’s worth, (and he’s lied a lot lately) he has given me his word that he did not have intercourse with her.
Thank you. I’m thinking she’s a narcissist as they typically follow a pattern.
I do hold him responsible because we warned him and he ignored us.
I’ve warned him a million times. I am truly terrified of this.
Noted.
Thank you.
I truly do appreciate everyone’s support and advice and good wishes.
I'm not sure I believe that. Why else would she come there in person?
They met each other online, talked, then she came out.
Maybe she used filters on her pictures, or didn't do full body shots to where when he saw her in person he wasn't attracted to her, but then again he said their "relationship" was good.
Quote:
Originally Posted by calgirlinnc
She is out!
I can’t believe he did it!
He started talking to her about a hotel because his Dad is on his way. She didn’t want to go to a hotel, so she finally called a friend in a neighboring city about 45 minutes away who agreed to take her in. He drove her down there. Thankfully she doesn’t have a car so it won’t be super easy for her to get back up to the bigger city where he lives.
He said she was scaring him on the drive down there because she was talking crazy. (No surprise there). He said her being rude to me was what opened his eyes as to her character. (Or lack thereof).
My husband is still going tomorrow and will be there for a few days just in case. Now we have to pray she doesn’t accuse him of anything, doesn’t stalk him, etc. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
Again, sincere thanks to the many of you who offered support and advice. I am taking everything into consideration. Sometimes this forum falls apart, but this time it worked in a way that was very helpful and when I really needed good advice. Thank you.
Wow, what an eventful day you had. I can't believe she made the jump in the end.
She didn't want to go to a hotel, who was going to pay for that?
I'm glad your hub is still going out to talk to your son. I really hope this is the end of the girl but I'm not convinced. She will eventually get kicked out of the friends house too. I've seen it happen with people my daughter knows. She has a friend with 2 kids who is homeless at the moment who was dropped off to my daughters for a few days, then she went up the street to stay with another friend who also kicked her out. Last I heard she's at a shelter which is not a good place to be. From what I hear, shelters kick people out during the day, it's just a bed for the night. Until she gets her life together, all of her stuff is being stored at my daughters house. My heart breaks for her 12 year old who can't even start school. The other is about 18 months old.
You had mentioned there was welfare, public assistance, with housing available as a suggestion to your son's "friend" but that is harder than hard to get, even for someone like my daughters friend with 2 kids. The system is for people like my daughters friend, not healthy young adults who don't want to work.
She probably couldn't get a job because she had no paperwork on her like her social. I assume she had some sort of ID to fly.
She may be back, or calling, looking for a plane ticket home. I'd gladly buy her one.
I'm glad your thread was so positive with feedback, except for one reply.
He started talking to her about a hotel because his Dad is on his way. She didn’t want to go to a hotel, so she finally called a friend in a neighboring city about 45 minutes away who agreed to take her in. He drove her down there. Thankfully she doesn’t have a car so it won’t be super easy for her to get back up to the bigger city where he lives.
He said she was scaring him on the drive down there because she was talking crazy. (No surprise there). He said her being rude to me was what opened his eyes as to her character. (Or lack thereof).
My husband is still going tomorrow and will be there for a few days just in case. Now we have to pray she doesn’t accuse him of anything, doesn’t stalk him, etc. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
Again, sincere thanks to the many of you who offered support and advice. I am taking everything into consideration. Sometimes this forum falls apart, but this time it worked in a way that was very helpful and when I really needed good advice. Thank you.
Wonderful! I was wondering if your husband was going to stay over with both of them in the apartment, I thought about asking you. Then I figured your husband must have been planning to stay in a hotel instead of with them. I assume she knew your husband's name is on the lease so it's really his apartment and maybe knowing that scared her off before his visit.
I am curious about something because I don't know much about colleges anymore. Why is your son going to a community college outside of your state? Doesn't your state have one?
Anyway, I have a good feeling everything will be ok now, getting her out was the big step, if she dares to try to see him, he has the recourse of a restraining order. Tell your son not to move in with anyone unless they are engaged! Take care.
Wow, she sure rustled up a solution in a right hurry when properly motivated to do so.
People like her generally do when actively called out on their manipulative and using behavior.
Hopefully, this will be the end of the O.P.'s son's involvement with this young woman, that he's learned a valuable lesson, and that there are no repercussions from his time with her.
In the future, realize that kindness and compassion generally make the world a better place, but not always. Your son, and the girl, both have mental health issues. Your son is your primary responsibility, so it is reasonable to expect you to step in and help HIM with kindness and compassion. The girl, however, is NOT your concern, and never warranted kindness or compassion. Not even sympathy. It was quite obvious that she was toxic right from the start, so why treat her like someone who responds to kindness? It’s like buying an axe murder a coffee and politely asking them not to kill you. If anything REMOTELY similar to the incident with this girl happens again, you need to accept that your adult son wasn’t ready to leave the next, and it would benefit him in staying closer to home. He’s naive as heck and it’s dangerous. Only changed his perspective when he saw her being rude to you? That bothered him, but not the plethora of other red flags? I hope the father has an actual conversation with him about the world, because clearly he’s lacking some wisdom.
So glad she has “left the premises”! What a nightmare you, your husband and your son have gone through. I think it is excellent that your son will have his dad with him for the next few days to decompress. He must be very shaken.
As said before, let your son know how important it was that he let you know about the situation. Young people have little knowledge about state laws and squatters’ rights, etc. Luckily he trusted your line of communication.
One thing I would suggest is have your son sit down with his dad and write/document a timeline of everything he remembers she said and did, especially in the last few days. All of her threats, aggressive behavior on phone call with his parents, the property manager’s involvement, her “crazy talk” on the way to the friend’s house, etc. It may be important to have in the future, just in case.
I suspect that having three adults involved (parents and the PM) will dissuade her from trying to return. It was made clear your son does not support himself and therefore cannot support her. However, I would have your son change apartments and never, ever have contact with her or any of her friends again (sounds like she is already blocked). Almost guaranteed that her friends will try to offload her quickly, too. It was a major life lesson but your son has your support and that goes far.
I'm not sure I believe that. Why else would she come there in person?
All I know is when my son and I were talking again last night, I mentioned accusations, pregnancy, etc. and
he said “if she is pregnant, it’s some other dude’s and not mine.”
Quote:
Wow, what an eventful day you had. I can't believe she made the jump in the end.
She didn't want to go to a hotel, who was going to pay fore that.
Yeah me either. He had found a cheap hotel and we said we’d pay for two nights, which would get her out until my husband could get there.
Quote:
I'm glad your hub is still going out to talk to your son. I really hope this is the end of the girl but I'm not convinced. She will eventually get kicked out of the friends house too.
Yes I agree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wp169
I am curious about something because I don't know much about colleges anymore. Why is your son going to a community college outside of your state? Doesn't your state have one?
We live in a very rural state and not a single community college here offers his major. We chose his particular school because they actually have a nationally recognized program in his major (better than many 4 year colleges actually), required minimal general education classes, and is in an open state (did not require excessive Covid vaccines, which is another topic entirely).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Athair
In the future, realize that kindness and compassion generally make the world a better place, but not always. Your son, and the girl, both have mental health issues. Your son is your primary responsibility, so it is reasonable to expect you to step in and help HIM with kindness and compassion. The girl, however, is NOT your concern, and never warranted kindness or compassion. Not even sympathy. It was quite obvious that she was toxic right from the start, so why treat her like someone who responds to kindness? It’s like buying an axe murder a coffee and politely asking them not to kill you. If anything REMOTELY similar to the incident with this girl happens again, you need to accept that your adult son wasn’t ready to leave the next, and it would benefit him in staying closer to home. He’s naive as heck and it’s dangerous. Only changed his perspective when he saw her being rude to you? That bothered him, but not the plethora of other red flags? I hope the father has an actual conversation with him about the world, because clearly he’s lacking some wisdom.
Meh, I think your comment is a bit off base. My son has had years of therapy and is overall quite mentally strong right now.
We just saw him in August and we saw major leaps in his maturity. Despite this hiccup—which was bad and was his fault to a large degree—he has been making very good choices since he left home. He doesn’t drink, vape, or do drugs, despite being offered them all regularly. He applied for and got a paid internship at his college. He picks up side work when he can, excels in the classes for his major, is passing the other ones, does his laundry, handles his prescriptions, fixes his car by himself.
Lots of college kids get into trouble because they drink too much, do drugs, or don’t manage their sleep; a lot of college students drop out or get into major debt; they get STDs or get pregnant.
Generally speaking, I don’t understand saying “he is naive, bring him back home.” Being sheltered doesn’t make a person less naive; experience does that.
One error of judgment at 19 years old does not mean he wasn’t ready to “leave the nest.” Young people make mistakes. The important thing is that he reached out for help and then had the backbone to get her out when she was hysterical.
As far as red flags, I agree that they were there, but it is extremely difficult for anyone who is being love bombed to see them; even mature and ostensibly worldly people fall victim to narcissists every single day (Prince Harry being a notable example). And he explained later, it wasn’t just her being horribly disrespectful and rude to me, but also the way she made excuses for it afterwards.
Also I wasn’t giving HER kindness or compassion, but using understanding as a tactic so my son would continue to communicate with us.
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