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Well, i'm sure i'll be in the minority here...and this will almost surely spark debate. But, it sounds to me like it might be time for the dreaded swat on the fanny.
It's an extreme rarity around our house, but it works when absolutely needed. Screaming and slamming doors sounds like a bit more than the usual "just ignore it" to me...and you mentioned that you were running out of options. You'd be surprised what that "pop" sound and a very mild sting can accomplish.
Original poster--Im not a supporter of spanking so I won't even go there. I know my dad spanked me and I will never forget it. It just showed his frustration. A parenting hitting a child never solves anything but resentment and its not really teaching them how to handle their negative behaviors and moreso probably adds to it. I know parents each have their own style though so to each their own.
That said, I do have some background in behavioral modification. Your child is 5, remember that. Ignore what you can. All the name calling-ignore it. They yell and scream looking for your attention otherwise they wouldn't be doing it at all. Likely it makes you angry and they get attention from you as a parent. It doesn't matter if its positive attention its still attention.
Keep a "matter of fact" look on your face at all times. Don't raise your voice. Nothing. If its attention-seeking negative behavior at all (which it sounds like) ignore it. You can also try to take away a toy or prized possession and remove things one by one or do the 'time-out' thing. Do this while keeping a straight face and level voice. They will be confused, I tell ya. After the time outs-sitting down and talking to your child are essential. Explaining that they need to talk nicely. If their frustrated to do A, B or C instead. Make sure they understand consequences if it happens again.
Also, you need to find the positive--when you catch your child being good-tell them. "I really like how you're talking so nice" and "you're really doing a good job listening today" type of thing. I believe in positive reinforcement. I have worked with autistic children and this works even for the more aggressive children and not only that it builds confidence and respect. I know its hard to ignore all that crap but it does work. The behavior will extinguish after they realize they don't get anything from it.
I would sit and speak with him. Then listen carefully to what he says. If this is new behavior then there is something triggering it that you need to figure out and help. It sounds like he is losing control. If you cant get to him - use the resources at school to assist - he needs someone to help - he's screaming for it. Good luck - let us know.
My son has been on this tirade for a while of yelling at us, throwing his fists up like he's going hit us, yelling at us that he hates us, screaming at us, stomping to his room and slamming doors.
I remember doing all of this when I was a teenager. Any thoughts?
It's not normal nor is it acceptable for a teenager to threaten parents anymore than it is for a 5 year old. I'd be a little surprised if a child was well behaved and respected the parents and then in the teenage years would suddenly start carrying on like this. It makes me think that parenting and discipline styles were learned from the parents and the same mistakes are being repeated.
A 2 or 3 year old yes, and it should be addressed then when there are a number of ways to deal with it but it's probably not too late to get respect. Slamming doors, verbal abuse and threats of physical violence should never be tolerated. Kids that don't respect their parents can end up in tons of problems.
my problem is how do you take all the defiant child's toys away, when they have brothers and sisters toys they just go play with. You can't take everyone's stuff away. Same with the bedroom. My defiant five year old shares a bedroom with her 11 year old and 3 year old sisters. Putting her in her room does not help.
That's the problem. Some solutions work okay when it's one child but will not work when there are siblings. One thing that cannot be tolerated is a child behaving abusively toward other siblings.
In a home with an only chld the parents can dote on that child and try all kinds of patient types of discipline techniques, but when there are others, it is unfair to waste a whole lot of time catering to a spoiled brat and allowing that child to disrupt the whole household.
That's the problem. Some solutions work okay when it's one child but will not work when there are siblings. One thing that cannot be tolerated is a child behaving abusively toward other siblings.
In a home with an only chld the parents can dote on that child and try all kinds of patient types of discipline techniques, but when there are others, it is unfair to waste a whole lot of time catering to a spoiled brat and allowing that child to disrupt the whole household.
Just a few more thoughts.
I know when I take my child's stuff away it is HIS stuff. He has a few things that are 'just his' and things that his sibling has that are 'just his' too. If I take something away from one that they 'share' then I monitor his play. Yeah--this takes effort, its called parenting. My kids are (almost) 5 and 6 yrs old but you can remove items from one and still allow the other sibling to play. In fact often times this is motivating enough to watch their sibling play with stuff they want. When I take items away from one, I also typically have a time frame to that according to what they did. Bottom line it can be done, it just takes more monitoring.
The child will learn consequences, some kids take longer than others to 'get it'. Just simply spanking a child and sending to their room doesn't really do much. The child is obviously having difficult expressing his anger in an appropriate way. Not pointing fingers, but I do see that if a parent reacts in a really emotional, angry way (yelling, getting really pissed...) then a child will follow suit. You shouldn't allow kids to get away with something one day and discipline the next. Of course we all have our days. I know I have yelled at my kids in moments of sheer frustration...not going to lie, we all do it one time or another, but I notice my child feeds off of it so watch YOUR own reaction as a parent.
Again--going back to the 'ignoring' principle and using a very 'matter of fact voice' helps with this. Follow through and consistency is high important in all of this. Make sure they know what they are being disciplined for which means after everyone cools down to discuss what is going on and what the consequences are and will be if they act the same way again. Tell them specifics like "If you raise your voice to me again like that next time I will take away......for ....3 days" type of thing. Make sure they know the "rules" of your household. I have listed our rules and often times make sure he goes to read the rules PRIOR to things getting totally out of hand. When I notice things starting to fire up a little I will say "calm your body down and go read the rules". It works. Be proactive when you can! Catch them being good, make sure they hear you compliment them and praise them when they earn it. When things start to get more intense try to mitigate it before all hell breaks lose. Allow your child an opportunity to VOICE his frustration to you before he is screaming and yelling and slamming doors. Ask both sides of the story--allow siblings each to have their turn to speak whether or not they are 'right' or 'wrong' it helps calm emotions and really can prevent all out blowouts.
Thank you for posting. This surely made me feel better about my nearly five year old. I don't know that my son has any serious stress in his life, he goes with a nanny during the week 8-5 (along with his one year old sister) and they love her. His dad did start working nights recently though and I know he misses him. He has increased his defiance with me. We run in to having him be an angel 90% of the time but the real devil the other 10. We've experienced occasional hesitant hitting and kicking, throwing things, screaming, red faced anger rants. I've historically done time outs in a chair but I've been reading that the corner is much less enjoyed so I'm about to start that. I've eliminated TV one night at a time but that seems to be having no impact. I believe I'll be moving it to two nights. I've also read to put their favorite thing in time out for two days. I think that could have a real impact as well. My son will cry after he gets upset and apologize, usually even brings me a little "present". I know he knows right from wrong, but I can tell in his defiant moments (mornings or bedtimes mainly - yes, when he's tired it's MUCH worse) that he can't control his emotions. All things we've discussed previously go right out the window. I've discussed appropriate responses to stress, frustration, and anger but I can tell when he's feeling upset those conversations are a long way from his mind. I'd love to hear how things are going for you now!
Thank you for posting. This surely made me feel better about my nearly five year old. I don't know that my son has any serious stress in his life, he goes with a nanny during the week 8-5 (along with his one year old sister) and they love her. His dad did start working nights recently though and I know he misses him. He has increased his defiance with me. We run in to having him be an angel 90% of the time but the real devil the other 10. We've experienced occasional hesitant hitting and kicking, throwing things, screaming, red faced anger rants. I've historically done time outs in a chair but I've been reading that the corner is much less enjoyed so I'm about to start that. I've eliminated TV one night at a time but that seems to be having no impact. I believe I'll be moving it to two nights. I've also read to put their favorite thing in time out for two days. I think that could have a real impact as well. My son will cry after he gets upset and apologize, usually even brings me a little "present". I know he knows right from wrong, but I can tell in his defiant moments (mornings or bedtimes mainly - yes, when he's tired it's MUCH worse) that he can't control his emotions. All things we've discussed previously go right out the window. I've discussed appropriate responses to stress, frustration, and anger but I can tell when he's feeling upset those conversations are a long way from his mind. I'd love to hear how things are going for you now!
Upping the punishment on a developing 5 year old is not likely to yield the results you're looking for. If you know that he is having a difficult time handling his emotions, find a safe, non-threatening place where he can do that without escalating the situation. Continue to model for him what the right response is. Don't just discuss it with him, show him (not when things are heated, but at another time, practice it even). He will improve with time and your bond with him will strengthen.
Yes, he probably does know right from wrong, but that does not mean he is fully developed either. Impulse control is still a factor at his age. If you know with certainty his triggers (tiredness, for example), try to figure out how you can lessen their impact. Mornings and evenings are notorious times for defiance because they represent separation from you. Finding ways to make them positive and reassuring may also help lessen tantrums.
None of this is to say there should not be consequences for unwanted behaviors. If he throws a toy, remove it for the time being, but not for days at a time. That will just fuel his frustrations and bring out more bad behavior, imo.
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