How to deal with a pregnant teen (visitation, video, problems)
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People feel differently about this, obviously. It's a strongly loaded conundrum. I hear your husband...really.
My kids are 13 and 15. I am not raising additional kids. I won't do it.
My sister had 2 kids by age 19. STILL she relies on my parents for so much (those "kids" are now 20 and 22 and she has a few more). My brother had two kids by age 18 (at 36 he's been married for 20 years). I had two kids by age 21. Issue #1 is that teen pregnancy begets teen pregnancy. My parents were 22/23 with 3 kids!)
My sister depended on my parents because their parents forced them to handle their OWN business and they wanted to "help" her. She's totally dependent on everyone and both older kids dropped out of school. It's frustrating.
My brother got married and is still with his wife. Two kids in college, 3 younger ones.
I stayed at home for a year after having my first and moved out when my youngest was a few months old. In the interim, I paid rent. I bought groceries. I paid my parents to babysit. I finished college later on and despite some bumps, I've always done pretty well.
The point being, if your daughter and her boyfriend decide to keep their baby, DO NOT become a crutch for them. No you can't live here for free. No I will not provide free childcare for recreation (if you choose to help for work or school, that's different). No, diapers and clothing are not my responsibility, etc.
If she chooses to parent, make sure she does so, not you. Good luck.
People feel differently about this, obviously. It's a strongly loaded conundrum. I hear your husband...really.
My kids are 13 and 15. I am not raising additional kids. I won't do it.
My sister had 2 kids by age 19. STILL she relies on my parents for so much (those "kids" are now 20 and 22 and she has a few more). My brother had two kids by age 18 (at 36 he's been married for 20 years). I had two kids by age 21. Issue #1 is that teen pregnancy begets teen pregnancy. My parents were 22/23 with 3 kids!)
My sister depended on my parents because their parents forced them to handle their OWN business and they wanted to "help" her. She's totally dependent on everyone and both older kids dropped out of school. It's frustrating.
My brother got married and is still with his wife. Two kids in college, 3 younger ones.
I stayed at home for a year after having my first and moved out when my youngest was a few months old. In the interim, I paid rent. I bought groceries. I paid my parents to babysit. I finished college later on and despite some bumps, I've always done pretty well.
The point being, if your daughter and her boyfriend decide to keep their baby, DO NOT become a crutch for them. No you can't live here for free. No I will not provide free childcare for recreation (if you choose to help for work or school, that's different). No, diapers and clothing are not my responsibility, etc.
If she chooses to parent, make sure she does so, not you. Good luck.
I agree. With the bf or not, she is getting her own place. I will help babysit for her to go to school at night because I also work during the day.
I was a young mom. 23 when she was born. A fee weeks shy of 24. My own mom was 19. She relied on my grandparents for a lot and used me as a pawn with them. They loved me so much and she would use it to her advantage.
I've seen a lot with that and thought I was heading off most situations at the pass. Guess I was wrong.
She was definitely having second thoughts this weekend. I could have told her exactly what I wanted her to do. She asked me to.
I didn't do it. I gave no offering of my own thoughts. I couldn't. It wasn't the right thing to do. This is something she needs to figure out on her own.
She met up with her best friend and they went to the mall together. Her friend spent $50 on a pair of shoes. That's when it hit her that she cannot do that anymore. Not for a long time. She's not a regular teen anymore. Then came the question I had any regrets when I had her.
Honestly, stuff like that never bothered me. Hell I didn't even realize if my jacket had a hole or my shoes or if my clothes were out of style or whatever.
That grandmother of mine would every now and then bring me something just for me, like new shoes or a shirt that she "bought for herself" but didn't like because it didn't fit her right. No kidding, the shirt was my size, not hers.
I will support her morally and emotionally always. She's my daughter and I love her more than I can put into words. I will try and help guide her to be a good mom to her child. But I'm going to hold fast to my resolve to not be an enabler.
Good LORD this thread is like friggin' crack. Kept reading every damn page til my gf threw a pillow at me for spending more time reading this than with her.
Talk about a great form of birth control too.
On a serious note though, I hope you are at least feeling a little bit better and more "together" than when you wrote the first post. You seem like a great mom from a tough upbringing which still has not deterred you from loving your daughter. That's a big accomplishment honestly. Good to see you're still there for her.
Good LORD this thread is like friggin' crack. Kept reading every damn page til my gf threw a pillow at me for spending more time reading this than with her.
Talk about a great form of birth control too.
On a serious note though, I hope you are at least feeling a little bit better and more "together" than when you wrote the first post. You seem like a great mom from a tough upbringing which still has not deterred you from loving your daughter. That's a big accomplishment honestly. Good to see you're still there for her.
I really wish for the best for you!
I am truly laughing out loud!!!! Crack!!!!!!
Thank you so much for the laugh. I really needed that. And apologize to the gf.
And also thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words and well wishes. I do appreciate it.
That or else just the typical thoughts and fears almost every pregnant woman experiences. Pregnancy itself brings about emotions of all kinds, will the baby be okay, will she be a good mom, will she love the baby enough, will she love the baby too much, how awful will the birth itself be, how will the baby look, will her stretch marks be awful.... It can be a bit of a roller coaster ride even in the best circumstances with the fast changing hormones and expanding waistline.
That or else just the typical thoughts and fears almost every pregnant woman experiences. Pregnancy itself brings about emotions of all kinds, will the baby be okay, will she be a good mom, will she love the baby enough, will she love the baby too much, how awful will the birth itself be, how will the baby look, will her stretch marks be awful.... It can be a bit of a roller coaster ride even in the best circumstances with the fast changing hormones and expanding waistline.
It sure can be. With her, I was fine until about 8 months and then I realized the baby would has to get out somehow and I didn't know how that would happen and didn't think I could do it. I hit sheer panic.
I really expected her to panic like this but thought it would be later on. I guess she will go through a few bouts of this and I kind of think it's healthy and a good sign that she may be beginning to understand that this is no small step in life. If she were totally freaking out, I may have steered her toward adoption counseling but just thought that this was a normal panic for a big upcoming life change and it would ride out. It did.
She was definitely having second thoughts this weekend. I could have told her exactly what I wanted her to do. She asked me to.
I didn't do it. I gave no offering of my own thoughts. I couldn't. It wasn't the right thing to do. This is something she needs to figure out on her own.
She met up with her best friend and they went to the mall together. Her friend spent $50 on a pair of shoes. That's when it hit her that she cannot do that anymore. Not for a long time. She's not a regular teen anymore. Then came the question I had any regrets when I had her.
She might be viewing your emotional support as pressure to stick with her initial decision. I don't think there is anything wrong with letting her know she still has options. Just because you didn't regret it doesn't mean she won't regret it. I would have said, "I didn't regret it, but my mother sure did. You still have options if you're thinking of changing your mind. The decision is yours, and I'll continue support whatever decision you make."
She might be viewing your emotional support as pressure to stick with her initial decision. I don't think there is anything wrong with letting her know she still has options. Just because you didn't regret it doesn't mean she won't regret it. I would have said, "I didn't regret it, but my mother sure did. You still have options if you're thinking of changing your mind. The decision is yours, and I'll continue support whatever decision you make."
That is basically what I said in a nutshell. I didn't make her think she had to choose one decision over another. I just didn't give my opinion on any of them.
I told her she is still in a position that she could change her mind and I can't tel her what to do. I will support her no matter what and this will affect her mostly no matter what she were to decide but she was the one that needed to make the choice. Not me.
I was so emotional when she first told me that if she were to have asked then, I would have said something very different.
Thanks to many of you and some time, I have calmed
Her due date was off by 10 days. She really found out early.
Here's the newest thing that's making me crazy.
Both her and the bf are in school. With the new due date, it's going to be right at the end when they are done.
She said she will be talking to her profs at the middle of the semester to see if she can take her finals maybe a week before the final exam schedule.
The bf refuses to talk with his and told her that he will not miss school. At all. I am in one way appreciative of his dedication to his education and in another way, I'm pissed. She doesn't have the luxury of simply not being present for the birth or the first day home from birth.
He has offered to ask his dad to be there with her in his place. I don't know. I really don't.
Am I unreasonable to be feeling this way? And as the past many many pages, tell me straight. I want to know all sides of it that I may not be seeing.
Her due date was off by 10 days. She really found out early.
Here's the newest thing that's making me crazy.
Both her and the bf are in school. With the new due date, it's going to be right at the end when they are done.
She said she will be talking to her profs at the middle of the semester to see if she can take her finals maybe a week before the final exam schedule.
The bf refuses to talk with his and told her that he will not miss school. At all. I am in one way appreciative of his dedication to his education and in another way, I'm pissed. She doesn't have the luxury of simply not being present for the birth or the first day home from birth.
He has offered to ask his dad to be there with her in his place. I don't know. I really don't.
Am I unreasonable to be feeling this way? And as the past many many pages, tell me straight. I want to know all sides of it that I may not be seeing.
He's a dumb teenage boy. He will act like this and not realize how seeing your own kid born is something magical. Don't be surprised when he acts like this.
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