And the lying and sneaking around begins... (play, daughter, father)
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And that is a bit of fun to relish? You don't get to "put the father in jail". They have these pesky courts and stuff.
Yes, but I think you know what I mean. I would have no qualms about using the system to make sure the guy learned to cool his temper. With Bubba as a cellmate that wouldn't be hard.
The daughter is her parents' grass, and his parents need to tell him to stay off of it.
Was that so hard?
The daughter is not the boy's parents grass. You think it is a matter of failure to understand. It isn't. I understand you just fine. You can wish a responsibility there all you like. You can hope that other parents view it the same when you are in the girl's parents' shoes. But if I were in the OP's place, I would certainly see no responsibility to ANYONE but my son and to whatever degree he felt approriate to his girlfriend insofar as he cared about her.
I am not condoning this actions...I am ignoring his actions. Petty difference to be sure, but it I told him to stop emailing her...do you really think he would? I'd rather know what he is doing than have him sneaking around behind my back.
I agree.
Nope, it's not a game. I am also the mother of 2 girls. Tell me, what would you do if you told your 16 yr. old daughter to not talk to a boy she's been dating for almost a year (you even go so far as to take her phone away and lock the computer at home), but she still finds a way to contact this boy? Who would you lash out at? Him or her? She's your kid...control her.
Many people told me that I shouldn't have been involved last week. So, now I've stepped away and that's not right either. I do believe I said that parenting sucks sometimes last week...lol. How am I increasing it? How should I decrease it?
Ha! NOT my duty to tell her parents they are communicating. I am taking responsibility for protecting my son (copying emails to memory card).
Agreed.
Not following through with what? I am following through with my son. I am reading his emails to be sure they are approriate. I will be the last person to tell him he's an idiot for being honest with me...would it be better if he lied to me?!
Agreed.
We have told him that. Her parents can come back to us and get told to get lost...they can handle their daughter whatever way they want, but I will handle my son in whatever way I want.
Agree with all of this!
She is 16 and a junior in high school. He is 17 and a junior in high school.
holy crap... yup, after reading all of this... there's going to be trouble. You ARE facilitating this behavior. you have essentially told him it's ok to ignore her parents rules. I'm sure you'd like that when someone does it to you. Just how big a pile are you going to allow him to deposit on their grass?
She is 16 and a junior in high school. He is 17 and a junior in high school.
Well, it is time that he parents just have to start learning that their daughter isn't a little girl anymore. Yes, they can make rules for her all they want, but she will break SOME of those rules and there comes a point where you just have to pick your battles. I would think that telling your 16yr old daughter that she can't talk to a boy is kind of pushing it. It will just make her do the opposite.
It is not your job to control their daughter or even tell your son that THEY don't want their daughter talking to your son. That is their issue and they need to deal with it with THEIR child.
Many people told me that I shouldn't have been involved last week. So, now I've stepped away and that's not right either. I do believe I said that parenting sucks sometimes last week...lol. How am I increasing it? How should I decrease it?
In my book? Discuss with HIM the possible consequences to him and to her. Discuss options for protecting himself and what options he has for caring for her.
Quote:
Ha! NOT my duty to tell her parents they are communicating. I am taking responsibility for protecting my son (copying emails to memory card).
This is the part I would stay out of. After you discuss, weigh different options together or whatever, Stay Out Of It. Don't micromanage his emails. Don't "protect" him. If this situation is too dangerous for him to handle, then you need to put the brakes on it. Otherwise, you are IN the drama deep with this business.
Well, it is time that he parents just have to start learning that their daughter isn't a little girl anymore. Yes, they can make rules for her all they want, but she will break SOME of those rules and there comes a point where you just have to pick your battles. I would think that telling your 16yr old daughter that she can't talk to a boy is kind of pushing it. It will just make her do the opposite.
It is not your job to control their daughter or even tell your son that THEY don't want their daughter talking to your son. That is their issue and they need to deal with it with THEIR child.
To be fair we have no idea why they feel so strongly about this.
A take off thread from the one I posted last week about having to tell my son that his gf's father was not going to allow them to see each other anymore.
Yesterday I asked my son if they had found a way to communicate yet. He told me that they both created email addresses and they are talking back and forth with those (he gave me his new email and password). I told him to remember that her father WILL find out eventually and everything he writes needs to be appropriate (basically, keep in mind that everything you write will be read by her father at some point).
I am petty enough to be transfering their emails to a memory card. When her father freaks out, I want to be able to come back with proof that HIS daughter contacted my son first. (Read: he's not stalking or harrassing her).
Fortunately, our son is pretty open with us and willing to talk. We made sure he understands the boundaries he has to live under (don't call her phone, don't write anything you wouldn't want her father reading, etc...).
Overall, I was pretty amused with how quickly they were able to start talking again after her father forbid it. During the conversation with my husband last week (the one where her father dumped the chore of telling our son about the forced break-up), my husband told him that they (meaning her) would start lying and sneaking around if he forced them to break up.
Sabinerose, you know I'm on your side okay?
But I really don't think it's a good idea for you to condone your son finding a way around this girl's parents.
I think the bigger lesson for him is that even when we disagree with someone in authority, we must respect that authority and its "rules". THAT is what it means to be an adult in control of our actions.
By not shutting him down on this secret communication you are technically giving your approval for it
I do agree that now that you have, it is smart to keep the evidence that she reached out to him first as a way to protect him from false accusations when/if the girl gets caught.
Many people told me that I shouldn't have been involved last week. So, now I've stepped away and that's not right either. I do believe I said that parenting sucks sometimes last week...lol. How am I increasing it? How should I decrease it?
Why isn't stepping away right?
I think all you have to tell your son is that the girl's dad is going to blow a gasket if they keep communicating and if he has hopes of seeing her in the future he needs to stop contacting her now. If he respects her father's wishes, he'll earn her father's trust. Then just leave it alone. You don't need to copy any emails or worry about it any more. If he continues to talk to her, he may find himself facing some unpleasant consequences, but that's life.
I could be all wrong about this, but you seem to be anxious to cast a Romeo & Juliet sort of glow over the situation. IMO you need to take a much more matter-of-fact approach. Stop acting like it's the end of the world and maybe your son will too.
I also can't comprehend a parent having a 17-year-old's email password, but that may be a topic for a different thread.
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