Is having children over-rated? (daycare, support, single mom, parent)

[movin'on]

Originally Posted by mjb68-19

I couldn't have said it better myself!!! Of course, kids do drive us crazy sometimes, but you will never ever in your life know absolute unconditional love until you have a child. A strong foundation is key to having and maintaining a happy healthy life. My husband and I went on a 4 day vacation without our kids for the first time ever on our 10th anniversary. We missed them like crazy - I vowed to never go on vacation without them again!!

No, you are mistaken. Unconditional love only comes from pets. While you may have missed them like crazy, they may NOT have missed you like crazy. Sorry. Oh, but then you were probably speaking of your love and not necessarily vice versa. Sorry.

[BlueWillowPlate]

heh
Pushing buttons, are we, movin' on?

NewToCA spoke for me.
Having children can be the best of times, it can be the worst of times, but obviously, relationships have far more significance than possessions.

OTOH
Rather than pity or scorn, I have nothing but the deepest respect for those who choose to remain child-free. I appreciate their recognition of the responsibility of raising kids.
Children are not, along with the white picket fence, little accessories to the American dream.

[silverwing]

Originally Posted by leavingcali

Thank you all for sharing.
....
I wonder how people who decided not to have children would respond to this thread. Are they happy? Do they have any regrets? Do they wonder what life would be like with children? Or, are they too busy enjoying their lives, sipping wine, exploring other countries, and working on their career?

Oh boy, here we go again You know, this used to be aggravating. Now, I just roll my eyes and *sigh*. AGAIN.

It's a big, Big, BIG misconception that we CFs are simply able to float thru life, tra la la, pockets full of $$, time on our hands, enjoying nothing but wine samplings (I don't even LIKE wine), and attending exhibitions of the newest derivative art based on the findings in Machu Pichu. And that we see our pets as "furbabies" and child substitutes.

Couldn't be farther from the truth. Those of us who decided (or, like me, just knew, there was no 'deciding') to not have kids are just plain people. You might read some articles where CFs talk about having money to indulge in the fripperies, or all sorts of extra time, but if you ask them - especially those of us who have reached middle age or later, and have had decades to dwell on our lives - it's not about the money. It's not about the time. It's not about FREEDOM. It's simply that we did. not. want. to. be. parents.

Do we dislike kids? Yeah, some do. Some loathe the little critters. Some people like kids just fine. They are the favorite aunts and uncles. Some make child nurturing, or teaching, their careers. But they still don't want to be parents.

I hang out on several CF boards. I've known many of these people, in a cyber fashion, for over a decade. None of us crow about having money to burn. Scratch any of us and we have pretty much the same story: we have JOBS, not careers. We're doing fine, money-wise, but nothing spectacular. The ability to pay bills, put away a comforting amount in a 401K, and enough to go on a nice vacation once a year. Do we have more free time? Not really. Mostly because we are looked upon as relief for parents when they need time off for family-related activities or crisis. The one indulgence my mate and I have, and can afford, is our motorcycles. Not full-dressed Harleys, just two-wheelers we like to take out on the backroads. The last two years, we haven't had any time for trips together. Several of my mate's co-workers are having problems with their kids; drugs, pregnancies, school issues. He has told them "fine, take off the time you need for counseling and intervention. I can cover." In my workplace, people have been having babies right 'n left. 6 in the last year! Guess who covers the maternity and paternity leaves? And ours is not an uncommon issue; talking to other CFs.

What we CFs see as the one true bonus of not having kids is that our lives are not lead in a direction simply based on their needs and our responsibilities to them. An example ... 13-14 years ago, the company my mate and I worked for decided to pull out and relocate to a part of the country we detested. Our childed workers were similarly dismayed. We had already been uprooted once. People made the move, settled in, got their kids acclimated and happy again, and we all figured we'd be settled. Not according to the business needs of our employer. We again faced the decision: move or lose your jobs. My mate and I, with enough set by to live for .. I guess .. a year without a job, said "no." Our childed co-workers, who were still recovering financially from the last move, and who didn't have much money anyway because of their kids, were pretty much forced to say "yes", and once again pack up and relocate. Because they had kids, they were tied to that job situation. They couldn't afford the uncertainty of knowing when the next job might be found and, stressed as parents anyway, none of them really wanted to start over again in a new workplace.

Since this board is a sub-forum to the relocation boards, one can see hundreds of examples of people making decisions based on the needs of their families. The city they choose, the neighborhoods, the necessary amenities, are based on what is best for the kids. We CFs are not tied to that.

Regrets? Good lord, NO. Again, going back to the CF boards, ask any of them if they regret not becoming parents, and they'll say "no. the same as not having regrets because I didn't become an astronaut, or a doctor. It is simply something I did not want to be."

[sweetana3]

I never had them, never wanted them, and can honestly say I dont regret not having kids.

I did not have good parenting role models and my husband says the same thing about his. We differ radically about parenting itself with me having no patience and he having too much, if that is possible.

Been married 34 years to the same person. We have traveled and both worked.

I was ambivalent even in my very early childhood about having kids and am overly anaylytical. Kids are an unknown and unpredictable commodity. My parents have 3 living children out of 5 and none of us have kids. Interesting.

[brightdoglover]

[quote=sweetana3;1106532]I never had them, never wanted them, and can honestly say I dont regret not having kids.


I stumbled on this discussion while reading relocation stuff. I am forever childfree. It never occurred to me that I would be a parent, in fact, I told people when I was about nine years old that I wouldn't have kids. Never had a moment of wavering, and most certainly lost one great guy over it (he is currently bitterly divorced and fighting for custody of his one kid, and he did the right thing to become a father).
I agree with the poster who said that being CF isn't about kid vs. travel, or career. Yes, like most people, most CFs have jobs, not careers, with all the downsides of same. What can I say, but "Nothing about being a parent has ever remotely appealed to me." It has nothing to do with preferring to do some other thing(s), although I can and have. It's that I simply don't want to do that thing, being a parent. I had a tubal ligation at age 30 to protect myself and so I couldn't string some nice guy along with "maybe someday."
FWIW, I think CF people are more involved in caring for others and community and causes than parents- parents simply don't have time. All of their energy is, reasonably enough, taken up with the kids they've created or adopted. I think a reason that people think having kids makes them "less selfish" is because they tend to do it at a point in life where most people pay more attention to community and caring, whether or not they raise kids.
I am quite satisifed with my little philanthropic activities (and my will reflects this focus) and causes I care about. And no, I don't like the company of children, although I expect to treat them with courtesy if I must be around them. (However, if they're pre-verbal, I'm at a loss, and can't get away fast enough).

[LML]

My children have given me great joy and those same children have also broken my heart into a million pieces. They are grown now and now I can say the same thing about my grandchildren. But good times and bad I would never choose not to have had them because I would never want to have lived without having known this kind of love. NOT the love they have for me but the love I have for them.

[kaykay]

I wish I did enjoy being "child-free" which I now am. My 16 year old son was killed 6 years ago in a car accident with two of his friends. He was our only child. I know that a death is different, but aside from the grief of missing my son personally, it troubles my husband and I that we will grow old without children or grandchildren. All the Thanksgivings and Christmases and other "family times." Mother's Day and Father's Day, others are with their kids. Our own parents are very elderly and won't be here forever. We are blessed to have some very good friends but at holidays, often we are invited but most times they are with their kids and grandkids, and even if we are invited, we are hesitant to intrude. I'm not saying all this to elicit sympathy. I just want some of you who are still young enough to make a choice to think about some of the ramifications when you get older without children.

[floridadreamer]

I think it's harder than what people expect. They seem to think life will be exactly the same, with the exception that there are cute little ones around to adore. As for the couple thing, there isn't any excuse for having an affair. It does take a certain amount of understanding on both parts, that's for sure. People need to learn to reach for each other and not other people when times are hard, and even more so if the mother ends up with postpartum depression or has a colicy baby.

I for one have a new respect for my sister who was a single mother at 18. She was still in high school and with a loser boyfriend that ended up in jail. Then he took off as soon as he got out, leaving her with a 6 month old. To be honest, he did her a favor and showed his true colors early on.

Kids do eventually grow up, it's not like they will be teething for the rest of their lives. And if they are having trouble with one, for GOODNESS sakes, don't have MORE!!!

[BlueWillowPlate]

Kaykay
I know you did not post to elicit sympathy, but please allow me to offer it anyway. I am so sorry for the loss of your son.
Unfortunately, choosing to have children means choosing to accept the risk of having them taken away.

[kaykay]

Originally Posted by cil

Kaykay
I know you did not post to elicit sympathy, but please allow me to offer it anyway. I am so sorry for the loss of your son.
Unfortunately, choosing to have children means choosing to accept the risk of having them taken away.

Thanks, cil, that is a real risk. I remember hearing it said one time that to agree to have kids is to agree to let your heart go walking around outside your body. It makes you vulnerable. Thanks for your condolences.