Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
There's 2 aspects (and maybe a third) of this and they need to be addressed separately.
The first is simple, if you're under your parents roof, getting assistance from them, then follow their rules. It's the bottom floor ground rule that every child should follow to show respect for the time, money and effort that's devoted as a parent.
Of course, if you're doing for yourself without their support you ought to consider their input but it's ultimately your choice.
The second is more complicated, how do you follow the path of your own life when your elders disagree. It's a bridge that every child must cross on their path to adulthood (some don't and never become adults IMHO). This is made even more complex by the NA aspect based on what I know of it (born and raised on the Wind river rez in Wyoming, Shoshone and Arapaho, worked in Kayenta, AZ serving both Navajo and Hopi). That family bond is so different from what I know as a white guy that I simply can't fully wrap my mind around it. I have no vanishing heritage that's valued by my elders, my heritage is simply "I'm 3rd gen American". As such, it's a dance I doubt few will be able to help you maneuver. Just know that you Must navigate this (and other) issues if you want to be happy.
The best advice I can offer is to ask your mom if she would rather you be abused and unhappy but with a NA man, or happy and with someone else. I know that domestic violence is very high among some of the tribes (Navajo and Arapaho for certain), along with alcohol and drug abuse ~ if that's true with yours then use it to your advantage and ask your mom if that's what she wants for you. I doubt she does, but there's Something she thinks is of value that she doesn't want lost and you Should find out about that. Sorry for the use of this crude slang, but my thought is that she doesn't want you to be an Apple (for those that don't know, red on the outside and white on the inside ~ NOT kind thing to say). She's sad that the world is changing and wants to hold onto as much of the familiar as possible. It only has a little to do with you, but it's most outside things. You can somewhat ease her fears if the guy you're interested in turns out to be serious about you. I dated a Shoshone girl, went to Rendezvous, heck I beaded and made my own moccasins. A guy who embraces and supports your heritage is very probable to find, which would mean kids who don't miss out on the good aspects but blended with (maybe?) a more stable home life and (again maybe) better focus on education so They can have an even better like than you.
I say maybe because I'm sure not every tribe is the same... actually, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Shoshone didn't have the avoidance of education as a common theme like the Navajo demonstrated.
Anyway, not a fun situation to be in, Especially through this holiday season when Everything is already stressful enough. Hopefully you can navigate this maze without stepping on too many toes.
I forgot to mention two things:
1. That my dad approves of this white guy. He's said that he just wants me to be happy and that I should be allowed to make my own choices in life.
2. My older sister is married to a white guy and my mom is happy with them together.
I also have my own job and pay my own bills, so there's really not a whole lot of assisted living between me and my mom.
25 and Mom is still calling the shots over who you are "allowed" to date???? You need to set some boundaries! She raised you...now it's time for you to make your own decisions.
Location: The Land Mass Between NOLA and Mobile, AL
1,796 posts, read 1,665,660 times
Reputation: 1411
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brian_M
There's 2 aspects (and maybe a third) of this and they need to be addressed separately.
The first is simple, if you're under your parents roof, getting assistance from them, then follow their rules. It's the bottom floor ground rule that every child should follow to show respect for the time, money and effort that's devoted as a parent.
Of course, if you're doing for yourself without their support you ought to consider their input but it's ultimately your choice.
The second is more complicated, how do you follow the path of your own life when your elders disagree. It's a bridge that every child must cross on their path to adulthood (some don't and never become adults IMHO). This is made even more complex by the NA aspect based on what I know of it (born and raised on the Wind river rez in Wyoming, Shoshone and Arapaho, worked in Kayenta, AZ serving both Navajo and Hopi). That family bond is so different from what I know as a white guy that I simply can't fully wrap my mind around it. I have no vanishing heritage that's valued by my elders, my heritage is simply "I'm 3rd gen American". As such, it's a dance I doubt few will be able to help you maneuver. Just know that you Must navigate this (and other) issues if you want to be happy.
The best advice I can offer is to ask your mom if she would rather you be abused and unhappy but with a NA man, or happy and with someone else. I know that domestic violence is very high among some of the tribes (Navajo and Arapaho for certain), along with alcohol and drug abuse ~ if that's true with yours then use it to your advantage and ask your mom if that's what she wants for you. I doubt she does, but there's Something she thinks is of value that she doesn't want lost and you Should find out about that. Sorry for the use of this crude slang, but my thought is that she doesn't want you to be an Apple (for those that don't know, red on the outside and white on the inside ~ NOT kind thing to say). She's sad that the world is changing and wants to hold onto as much of the familiar as possible. It only has a little to do with you, but it's most outside things. You can somewhat ease her fears if the guy you're interested in turns out to be serious about you. I dated a Shoshone girl, went to Rendezvous, heck I beaded and made my own moccasins. A guy who embraces and supports your heritage is very probable to find, which would mean kids who don't miss out on the good aspects but blended with (maybe?) a more stable home life and (again maybe) better focus on education so They can have an even better like than you.
I say maybe because I'm sure not every tribe is the same... actually, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Shoshone didn't have the avoidance of education as a common theme like the Navajo demonstrated.
Anyway, not a fun situation to be in, Especially through this holiday season when Everything is already stressful enough. Hopefully you can navigate this maze without stepping on too many toes.
OP, it's your life. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to "break up" with your parents. I would not say that so directly to most people, but I've done it myself. Sometimes you have to keep doing it, even if it hurts. Know that eventually you will stand on your own two feet. Good luck! This is stressful, what with December approaching.
Me and my mom haven't talked since then and now I'm worried about the fallout of the fight. I think this was a step in the right direction in terms of standing up for myself and refusing to let her control me any longer, but I'm also worried about tearing the family apart. My older brother and mom are estranged because she tried to cheat him out of money that he earned. I don't want to tear my family apart even more and now I'm not sure where to go. Do I keep standing up to my mom and fight for my ability to date whoever I want, or do I just accept my mom's stubbornness and move on for the sake of the family?
You are not "tearing the family apart". That is on your mother, her behavior has done that-- she can change her behavior and do what's more beneficial/harmonious to the family (which is not screwing anyone over and accepting members as is). Don't "accept and move on for the sake of the family".... You're not even doing that BTW, it's for your mother's sake. She can decide what's more comfortable for her, which for whatever reason is cheating her son and overlooking a huge component with you: You are the one that's going to have to live with the choice of mate, not her. She has already shown you that her judgment on the guys of her choice is flawed. Just do what is right for you.
OP, if I were you, I would move out of my mommy's house and date the white guy. Race shouldn't even matter. You are 25, a fully grown adult, and you should be able to make your own decisions and be your own human being, and nobody deserves to be in a relationship with someone who's just going to use or cheat.
I guess people are people whatever the race or culture but I'm a little surprised because someone told me once the reason he greatly respects Native culture is that the men tend to have a lot more regard and respect for women and they're not macho sexist abusers-- of course people are people and can always be a brew bad apples anywhere but I'm surprised your experience w Natives is so contrary to what I heard.
The two Native populations I live closest to have a tolerance for a high level of violence toward women & children.
The basic gist of my past is that I'm a 25 year old Native American girl who has a crush on a white guy, but my controlling mom only wants me to date other Natives. It's been a struggle for me since I still live with her, but I finally told her about my crush last night.
Last night, my mom told me that she was going to start setting me up with dates for Holiday festivities. I then told my mom that there was a white guy that I was interested in, but she shot down that idea quickly. She didn't get mad, but she reminded me that she only wants me dating "within our race".
I decided to call her out on that since it was a contradiction. She's tried to set me up with Natives before, but she's also tried to set me up with non-Natives who are wealthy and financially well off. I called her out on it and then said "If it's a Native you want, it's a Native you're gonna get." I honestly don't know why I said that, though. I didn't plan on it, it was just sort of a heat of the moment thing I said to sound badass, I guess. Now I don't know how my mom's going to interpret it. She then said "You need to stop acting like this." and I simply stared her in the eyes, said "No." and then walked off to my room.
Me and my mom haven't talked since then and now I'm worried about the fallout of the fight. I think this was a step in the right direction in terms of standing up for myself and refusing to let her control me any longer, but I'm also worried about tearing the family apart. My older brother and mom are estranged because she tried to cheat him out of money that he earned. I don't want to tear my family apart even more and now I'm not sure where to go. Do I keep standing up to my mom and fight for my ability to date whoever I want, or do I just accept my mom's stubbornness and move on for the sake of the family?
OP, the Native men that your mom sets you up with, are they all from the same tribe or reservation or area? (Forgive me if I'm using the terms incorrectly; I know nothing about Native American culture and lifestyles and what-not.) Maybe the problem isn't with Native men, per se, but with the men within the "pool" from which your mother is fishing on your behalf. Would it be acceptable in her eyes to date a Native man from another tribe or reservation, etc.? And is that something that you'd be open to?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
