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One of the main goals of being religious or spiritual is to improve or keep good character. But to improve one's character, you need to have some sort of a definition or measuring stick of what is good character.
So what is good character? I am sure that we might all define it in different ways. I came across this LINK from a Ted Gioia that defines 8 ways for evaluating character:
1. Look at who they are married to.
2. See how they treat service workers.
3. What experiences formed their early life.
4. How do they invest in their two most valuable resources.
5. What irritates them, as this likely is something that they have in themselves.
6. Can they listen?
7. If they cheat at small things, they cheat at big things.
8. Watch how they handle unexpected problems.
I actually do really well under this scoring system. I think I only fail at #8 because of anxiety attacks that I sometimes get in some situations. I think I get A+ for #s 1 (I love you hubby!), 2, 4, 6, and 7. I think #2, #4, #6, and #7 are the best points he has.
How do you all measure character?
I think it can be as simple as:
1) Do you have love in your heart and actions?
2) Do you seek to serve others through those loving actions?
3) Do you listen, for an enemy is merely someone's story you have refused to hear.
"You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is not another commandment greater than these." -Jesus in Mark 12:31
Improving one’s character is something that people who are at least reasonably good and functional strive to do. Religion and spirituality can certainly be vehicles for this, but they are neither necessary nor sufficient for doing so. I personally place great premiums on honesty, generosity, and empathy.
As for the list, I agree with items 2, 6, and 7 wholeheartedly. I’ve always performed very well in 2 and especially 7. With 6, I was never bad, but I have become excellent over time, probably do to some major life events in my late teens and early twenties that made me a quieter and more introspective person. I was a somewhat brash but very poised kid, I swing a bit too far in the opposite direction in early adulthood and think I’ve now reached a more or less happy medium.
There’s certainly a lot of truth to 1, 4, and 8, but I think they come with a lot more nuance and can’t be fairly used as a litmus test. For 1, I certainly am pleased with how things have turned out. Since I met my wife when I was 23, I’ll (hopefully!) never know for certain if this was solely youthful melodrama, but I punched below my weight in dating and started to think there was a distinct possibility I would end up alone. I in no way have felt like I settled, although I certainly had enough dating experience to know that much like residential real estate, you’re probably not going to find any one person who checks every single box on your list.
One of the reasons I think our marriage works well is that while we come from very different backgrounds and life experiences leading up to our early 20s, we’ve come to the same conclusions on the fundamentally important (and also many of the more subjective and whimsical) aspects of life. It creates compatibility without the danger of complacency, and we have both pushed one another to become better people (especially on my end because I certainly needed it ).
But people sometimes end up with the wrong partner through no fault of their own (and, depending on the situation, not necessarily the fault of the partner either). While I won’t say that there aren’t common patterns and indicators which dictate who ends up abusive relationships (including who is the abuser and victim), I’m very hesitant to judge the character worth of someone who ends up caught in an unfortunate situation.
For 4, I think I’m pretty good, but definitely not perfect (more so on the time than the money aspect). We live plenty comfortably but are big savers and buy what we need, as well as want, within reason, as opposed to what we can theoretically afford. Saving for retirement is certainly important (and we max out 401k contributions and also have a growing portfolio of non-retirement investments), but we make significant annual charitable contributions and are aggressively saving for our children’s higher education (right now just one, but we’ll probably have another). They won’t get a dime of need-based aid, so it’s up to us to do everything we can to responsibly contribute to the 529 plans so that they can at least finish their undergraduate studies debt-free. On the time aspect, I’m usually a very focused and efficient worker. I can sometimes stand to be better at being “present” with my wife and little boy during the off-hours, mostly because that behavior (unfortunately) was modeled by my own father, and I myself am prone to workaholism.
Does that speak to my intrinsic worth as a person? Yes and no. I’m financially savvy because I come from a financially savvy family that was very careful with saving while still plenty enjoying the finer things of life within the realm of reason. Does my replicating that behavior mean I have a good character or just reflect a luck of the draw that I came from a household which was good at that sort of thing? As for the time aspect, while I’d probably give myself a B to B+, the fact that I am consciously striving to break patterns set by my father (as well as his father) speaks well of me, I think. I, and I alone, am responsible for transcending those behaviors for the benefit of my family.
For 8, I think seeing how people react in times of crises is very much a portal into their character, but you really have to see people in crisis mode many times (and in many different contexts) to get a true sense. I can get very anxious at times (with some things being far more triggering than others), but I almost always rise to the occasion and perform at least satisfactorily (and often much better). Does my anxiety mark my character, or does the fact that I generally have a handle on my anxiety (and have continued to improve over time) to the extent that I might get tense and melodramatic in the moment, but I make damn sure that I do what I have to do? I’m really not certain. Maybe there’s a bit of both.
I won’t say 3 is worthless, but what Gioia describes sounds an awful lot like stereotyping people based on whatever platitudes you buy into regarding their given situation. I’m not sure how to grade this aspect since it’s something completely out of my control. I was extremely privileged and fortunate in many ways. I suffered greatly for one thing that was pure bad luck and really nobody’s fault at all. I probably have more of my share of childhood baggage than the average person (some of which comes from family, others of which come from peer interactions), but I don’t think I tip the scales in that regard either. One thing I definitely am is hyper-self aware. Maybe that’s the mark of performing well in this category—to the extent it’s in your control.
5 is interesting, because I think it’s spot on for a certain type of person—those to whom we might say, “The lady doth protest too much.” I certainly have my pet peeves like everyone else, but nothing bothers me to a degree that I am constantly projecting it onto other people (and therefore may be guilty of it myself). So in that regard, I’m either doing absolutely amazing, or I’m so godawful that I can’t even begin to perceive something that’s as plain as the nose on my face.
Anyway, this has provided quite a bit of food for thought. Thanks for posting, QB.
interesting. regarding "Look at who they are married to" i would also add, look at who they are no longer married to. because character is also what a person chooses to walk away from. my strength of character is demonstrated by situations and people i have the strength of character to leave. when we are young we can be very starry eyed and naive and lacking life experience. as the arc of our life story progresses and unfolds, we are better able to evaluate people places and situations.
which brings us to another item on the list "If they cheat at small things, they cheat at big things." i always heard that as 'how you do something is how you do everything.' that was a factor for reaching the tipping point of leaving my marriage. him cheating on the taxes. and not seeing anything wrong with it. i couldn't raise children in a situation where that was condoned and even boasted about.
one of the favorites i heard for character, which has stayed with me, only i think it was for integrity, is what you do when nobody's watching, what you do when you know you can get away with it. another favorite is at work talking to the janitor with the same level of regard as talking to the CEO. Acting differently around people who you want something from (gushing, fawning, posturing, seeking to impress), compared to how you act around people who can't help you in any way (ignore, brush them off, cold, indifferent). The greater the disparity in how you treat others, indicates decrease in character.
One of the main goals of being religious or spiritual is to improve or keep good character. But to improve one's character, you need to have some sort of a definition or measuring stick of what is good character.
So what is good character? I am sure that we might all define it in different ways. I came across this LINK from a Ted Gioia that defines 8 ways for evaluating character:
1. Look at who they are married to.
2. See how they treat service workers.
3. What experiences formed their early life.
4. How do they invest in their two most valuable resources.
5. What irritates them, as this likely is something that they have in themselves.
6. Can they listen?
7. If they cheat at small things, they cheat at big things.
8. Watch how they handle unexpected problems.
I actually do really well under this scoring system. I think I only fail at #8 because of anxiety attacks that I sometimes get in some situations. I think I get A+ for #s 1 (I love you hubby!), 2, 4, 6, and 7. I think #2, #4, #6, and #7 are the best points he has.
How do you all measure character?
I think it can be as simple as:
1) Do you have love in your heart and actions?
2) Do you seek to serve others through those loving actions?
3) Do you listen, for an enemy is merely someone's story you have refused to hear.
"You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is not another commandment greater than these." -Jesus in Mark 12:31
Evaluating other’s character by looking for defects in them makes one’s own disposition that of a curmudgeon. Not a good indicator of one’s own mental health, leave alone character. Far better to look within and cure one’s own defects, and try to be kind and accepting of oneself and others. That is a mark of a healthy character.
Evaluating other’s character by looking for defects in them makes one’s own disposition that of a curmudgeon. Not a good indicator of one’s own mental health, leave alone character. Far better to look within and cure one’s own defects, and try to be kind and accepting of oneself and others. That is a mark of a healthy character.
There are a wide of variety of mirrors available on sites such as Amazon.
Evaluating other’s character by looking for defects in them makes one’s own disposition that of a curmudgeon. Not a good indicator of one’s own mental health, leave alone character. Far better to look within and cure one’s own defects, and try to be kind and accepting of oneself and others. That is a mark of a healthy character.
I was looking at this through how to improve myself. The author was looking at it I think more through how to consider potential business partners, which I think is reasonable.
I was looking at this through how to improve myself. The author was looking at it I think more through how to consider potential business partners, which I think is reasonable.
Spirituality and business are two different unrelated things. One is about growth of self awareness, the other is about growth of material assets. I know you have a different perspective on this based on your religion, so there will be no agreement, and I respect that.
How is this an indication of character? In my case my first wife was a reflection of my naivete and bad judgment, not that I was of bad character myself. In the context of a business partner this indicator of bad or immature judgment might be relevant but not as an indicator of my personal integrity or work ethic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by QuakerBaker
2. See how they treat service workers.
This is a really good one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by QuakerBaker
3. What experiences formed their early life.
Again not relevant except in terms of how they responded to those experiences.
Quote:
Originally Posted by QuakerBaker
4. How do they invest in their two most valuable resources.
Not sure what this means or how you would determine it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by QuakerBaker
How do you all measure character?
3) Do you listen, for an enemy is merely someone's story you have refused to hear.
Listening / hearing does not imply acceptance or even accommodation. Many times an opponent has stories in between their ears that have literally no basis in reality and sometimes they even know it. Putler for example thinks the west threatens Russia with its decadence and weakness. I can listen to that, and even understand the concern, perhaps even avoiding needlessly provoking the concern. But that doesn't mean I can agree with it or compromise with it or that it is rational or can be substantively addressed. Sometimes people have disordered thinking and have to recognize and let go of it.
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