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Help! I have been married 15 years. In that time my husband has physically abused me - just a slap here and there nothing too serious. Worse is the verbal abuse - F...off, P...off, called me names, putting me down, very critical. I have worked full time nights as a nurse. Now I am ill with an auto immune disease. I think all the financial stressess, childcare and hubby problems have all hit me. I am burnt out I think. My husband is still playing his games. Most of the time OK, some of the time miseraqble, some of the time nasty. I feel as though I am on some sick roller coaster. Up down, all around. He says he loves me and would die if anything happened to me. I am a christian so I feel a moral obligaiton to make my marriage work. He is ok with the children. I do most of everything in the house. He praises me for it and says how hard I work. He is ok then all of a sudden when my barriers are down - POUNCE - he goes for me, not physically, verbally. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. He is diabetic, so I know his blood sugar could be influencing his moods. But what should I do. I have built my own life - I have my own friends, I go to church by myself with the kids, I try to find happiness in things with a positive attitude. I keep forgiving, keep trying, but my hubby is so difficult. I keep hoping things will change. I can't even go in the car with my hubby and my 2 kids - within 5 minutes he's moaning about things, shouting at the kids, stressing me out I could say more, but I'll leave it at that for now. Anybody wise out there?
Jenna, first of all, I'm really sorry this is happening to you. It's never easy but I think you've taken a very positive first step by questioning it and asking others for advice.
If you are suffering an auto immune disease yourself, I'm quite sure there are days when you are completely exhausted and not feeling like dealing with bad behaviour at all.
My thoughts are this, if you are committed to trying to maintain your marriage, and that's a perfectly understandable desire, then you need to develop some tools and tactics to shut him down when he starts up. You need to be able to make it clear that you won't be verbally or physically abused, but that you are still trying to communicate with him. I did have some success with quietly speaking from my perspective whenever my ex started up. If he was getting agitated and I could see where it was heading, if he called me names, starting getting worked up, I would quietly say, "Please don't speak to me like that, I don't like it. You are getting upset, I'm happy to help you with whatever is bothering you but I will talk to you about this when you calm down." Then I would remove myself from his presence. It didn't always work, but it did make him reassess his behaviour quite a few times and it also made it very clear that I would not be his punching bag. It made him have to consider how his behaviour was affecting me. It also made it clear that I was prepared to hear him out, just not if it meant that he was abusive or aggressive. As well as changing my response, and my reactions I also made sure that I was receiving counselling and insisted that he did too. We had sessions together and seperately. Joint sessions I think are very useful because it helps to have someone else to mediate and it gave us tools for better communication and to be aware of what was happening with each other. And seperate sessions were really useful to make sure that we were working on issues ourselves and that we both had an outlet.
NOW I'm not saying that any of this will work, or give you the outcome that you're looking for at this point, but I believe if you are committed to your marriage at this time then it's probably not a bad place to start.
And finally, remember this, you have just as much right as anyone else in this world to be treated with respect, but if you do not stand up and ask for respect then some people simply cannot give it as they don't even respect themselves. I suspect that your husband is lacking in self respect and his way of dealing with that is to be disrespectful to you. You can show him how to change that by valuing yourself first. Respect yourself and make it clear you expect him to respect you also and if he degenerates into physical abuse again then you need to get away from him until he learns that it is completely unacceptable. It's a difficult journey for both of you but it's never ok to hit someone. I wish you well with it.
Last edited by moonshadow; 04-22-2008 at 09:20 PM..
You should make plans to leave with your children. Your faith does not obligate you to remain with someone who does not honor you (and, by extension, your God). Save some money, talk to a close family member if they are trustworthy and seek their help to move away from this toxic relationship. Yes, it will be difficult. But your life *WILL* ultimately be better for doing so.
Help! I have been married 15 years. In that time my husband has physically abused me - just a slap here and there nothing too serious. Worse is the verbal abuse - F...off, P...off, called me names, putting me down, very critical. I have worked full time nights as a nurse. Now I am ill with an auto immune disease. I think all the financial stressess, childcare and hubby problems have all hit me. I am burnt out I think. My husband is still playing his games. Most of the time OK, some of the time miseraqble, some of the time nasty. I feel as though I am on some sick roller coaster. Up down, all around. He says he loves me and would die if anything happened to me. I am a christian so I feel a moral obligaiton to make my marriage work. He is ok with the children. I do most of everything in the house. He praises me for it and says how hard I work. He is ok then all of a sudden when my barriers are down - POUNCE - he goes for me, not physically, verbally. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. He is diabetic, so I know his blood sugar could be influencing his moods. But what should I do. I have built my own life - I have my own friends, I go to church by myself with the kids, I try to find happiness in things with a positive attitude. I keep forgiving, keep trying, but my hubby is so difficult. I keep hoping things will change. I can't even go in the car with my hubby and my 2 kids - within 5 minutes he's moaning about things, shouting at the kids, stressing me out I could say more, but I'll leave it at that for now. Anybody wise out there?
I too developed an auto-immune disease back in '96. I had gone from getting my black belt in tae kwon do and being in superb shape, working for a pretty good firm with little stress, to working ungodly hours with little appreciation for one of the most racist firms in silicon valley. I worked incredible hours, didn't eat right, stopped exercising, and didn't get enough sleep. The level of stress was incredible. The worse part is that I internalized the racism that I was experiencing and it tore me up inside. I know this is how I developed the disease. The Drs wanted to give me prednisone, and told me to do my own research on it before consenting to it. I found the side-effects intolerable and told them I wouldn't take it. I instead went to Whole Foods and found the only two books that mentioned the disease. They saved me. I changed everything that was causing the harm: my job, my exercise program, my diet, but more importantly my outlook and how I reacted to others. I learned that I can't change others, but I can change how I react to them. I can place myself in more favorable situations. The disease went away after 8 months.
My advice to you is to save yourself and have the courage to leave this man. If a man hits or slaps you one time, that is one time too many. Leave him. If he verbally abuses you one time, that is one time too many. Leave him. You don't deserve that. No person does. That is not how your kids' mother should be treated. Your husband unfortunately has some serious problems and he has crossed the line. The fact that you are sick means that you have internalized this incredible abuse and negativity to your detriment. It could indicate that you are making yourself sick by acknowledging that by taking the abuse, you are somehow not worthy of being with someone better. It could be making you sick with the knowledge that your kids know you take the abuse and how that makes you look to them.
Don't let your Christian values dig your grave. After all, your kids didn't ask to be here.
Thank you everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it. My hubby refuses to go to counselling atall. He's very stubborn. I have talked to my sister in the past about my hubby, she's sick and tired of hearing about it now - but I know she would support me if I left. People don't understand how torn up you feel inside, you long to leave the nasty man - then all of a sudden the nice man appears again. My daughter is 13 my son is 10. My daughter has been picked on by her dad, he moans and groans at her - I have always stood up to my hubby - if he has slapped me I've slapped him right back! I'm not some cowering little lady - but I'm tired of fighting with him. My son is a wonderful lad - so kind and caring. His dad isn't so mean to him as his daughter - weird that - but he has upset him at times by being irrational and aggressive. One person asked Why I had married a non-christian in the first place - the reason was, I wasn't following God at the time. I have paid my dues though. I have paid the price for my stupidity. I have prayed and asked God for wisdom and strength. Now I am physically ill and Alexus is right - this illness is because of the stress I have had on me.
For instance, last night, my hubby didn't talk to me at all. He stayed on his side of the bed, he was really off with me. The night before he was hugging me and being all lovey dovey. I am so confused. His mum and Dad were possibly going to build an annexe on the side of our house - this would relieve the financial pressures and they are a very nice couple - we would be so much better off if they were to do this. One minute hubby is for it, the next not. He plays mental games with me. His own dad has even said that he has wondered sometimes 'How on earth you put up with him sometimes'. So his parents are supportive and understanding. But if I do build this annexe - I will be joining myself to the family for the next 10 years at least. But it could really help us and be a positive thing to do.
My hubby will come home today, I don't know what mood he will be in till I see him, I don't know what row will take place or what will set it off, a good evening will be no arguments or yelling - Hubby will have his tea and then go off and play his computer games for 3 hours - he's addicted to them! I almost left him in 2003 - but he got all teary-eyed and sad - told me he loved me, wanted no-one else etc. Then, before you know it - he's back to telling me to F .. off, calling me a stupid b....some awful things. It helps to share this with you people. I think the thing that gets to me know is the feeling of hopelessness. You are older, you have been on this rollercoaster so long, you know nothing is going to change. I can't even book a holiday with him, last year he played up on holiday, ruining half of it - refusing to go certain places, causing arugments, Ihadn't packed the right clothes for him - so one morning, whilst I was half asleep he moaned about that and then hit me on my ankle. It really hurt - he was sorry, said he hadn't meant to do it - so why did he? The year before, I didn't even know if he was coming on holiday with us until the morning when I was about to leave - mental games again - he did eventually come with us - but why the games? Then the year before, we went on holiday, when we got there he moaned and groaned at me, calling me names, critical, he insited I drive him to the train station the next day so he could get a train back home!! Can you believe it? So I sat out in the car whilst he went to look at the train timetable - this was on my only annual holiday - he came back to the car and said he would stay. Then proceeded to have some funny days - a few f offs here and there.
I used to smoke - he didn't know - but I gave up a few years ago. The smoking was a crutch - now I am praying that God will be my true help and show me the right way to go. I have some good friends, but they do not know the day in day out dramas I have with this man!! I just feel so guilty at the thourght of leaving him. It's crazy. Why should I feel guilty. I wish I had the guts to just walk out the door with the kids - but I keep thinking what about the kids, will the divorce damage them even more? I feel as though I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. I want to break free of him - I really dislike him, but I have known him since 1987 - part of me is chicken.
I used to smoke - he didn't know - but I gave up a few years ago. The smoking was a crutch - now I am praying that God will be my true help and show me the right way to go. I have some good friends, but they do not know the day in day out dramas I have with this man!! I just feel so guilty at the thourght of leaving him. It's crazy. Why should I feel guilty. I wish I had the guts to just walk out the door with the kids - but I keep thinking what about the kids, will the divorce damage them even more? I feel as though I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. I want to break free of him - I really dislike him, but I have known him since 1987 - part of me is chicken.
Well there you go. You pretty much wrapped up the whole situation in that paragraph. I guess it's up to you to step up and leave when you get up the nerve to do it. Keep talking to us, if it helps you we'll still be here. Forums can be a colossal waste of time, but in this case it can be a good outlet for you to form your thoughts and find the strength to leave.
He keeps changing his mind because he's a fricken psycho if you ask me. Sounds like you got shackled up with a nutcase. Make some phone calls to some helps centers, talk to a lawyer, and Leave. For pete's sake, why don't these women just leave? Just pretend for a few weeks that you are a man, and you can break off emotional attachments fairly easily. Feel freedom now, feel greef later. You and Amy (the other poster with the same problem) need to cut your losses. Best of luck.
Well, it seems as if he really doesn't like you either. He may be trying to get you to leave him so it's your fault, or to pay more attention to him as apparently he feels miserable in life and wants to punish you for it. He may also be a drama king who thrives on instigating endless contention. Whatever it is, it's not healthy.
Things will not change unless you make them in one form or another. You can lay down the law that at the very next single act of physical unpleasantness or unacceptable name calling that you will absolutely and unequivically leave with the children on the spot. And be prepared to do it and don't look back. He has seen up to now that you don't have the backbone for this and this is the reason he knows he can get away with it, he has no respect for you. You know this already.
Living this way is making you sick and a bad example to your kids. If you can't take charge and be stronger than he is to put him in line (if that is even possible) you must leave. This is a miserable way to live and without being under his irrational moodiness and resulting mean treatment you will find that you will regain your emotional strength and be much happier to boot.
I used to smoke - he didn't know - but I gave up a few years ago. The smoking was a crutch - now I am praying that God will be my true help and show me the right way to go. I have some good friends, but they do not know the day in day out dramas I have with this man!! I just feel so guilty at the thourght of leaving him. It's crazy. Why should I feel guilty. I wish I had the guts to just walk out the door with the kids - but I keep thinking what about the kids, will the divorce damage them even more? I feel as though I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. I want to break free of him - I really dislike him, but I have known him since 1987 - part of me is chicken.
You know it takes an incredible amount of courage for a woman to leave an abusive relationship. It is very, very hard to do. My mom was in an abusive relationship before I was born. She had married another man (not my dad) and they had a daughter (my half-sister). He was a very jealous man. My mom was a very beautiful woman and he had problems. During that time (The Depression generation), it was common for men to abuse their wives and girlfriends, to slap them around, threaten them, even hit them if they didn't "do as they were told." It was a sign of the times. My mom took the abuse that he dished out until one day he shot her a couple times. She survived and learned the valuable lesson that I am telling you here. Do not tempt fate and do not allow the situation to get worse. It will get worse, in stages. First it is little comments here and there, annoying comments that are critical. Sometimes they cause arguments, sometimes they don't. Then the comments turn into insults which get progressively worse and more biting. Then physical abuse might take place after it has been determined that you will take and tolerate the abuse. Then the physical abuse will grow progressively worse until either you will get seriously injured or worse. Not to mention the toll that it is taking on your own health. You have already developed an auto-immune disease.
Auto-immune diseases are opportunistic diseases. They show themselves when your immune system is compromised due to stress or traumatic external factors, factors that cause you to internally malfunction. In my case, my immune system became overstimulated and thought that my lung was a foreign object in my body that it had to eradicate. Had I not stopped this process, I might've needed a lung transplant. It required a complete lifestyle change. I am suggesting that the same must occur with you. Your husband has crossed the line and exhibited the typical pattern of an abuser. He abuses you, then warms up to you to convince himself that he's not a bad person, and the pattern repeats itself. You must leave him in my humble opinion, and such a decision I know is very hard. But if you stay, you will continue as your are, which appears to be unbearable at this point. You sound like you have been very generous in giving of yourself to him. He slapped you and you stayed with him. He continues to abuse and you stay with him. He no longer deserves such consideration.
When two people have kids, it is not about them anymore. It is about what is best for the kids. Focus on that. Is it better for the kids to see and hear their mother being abused, to live around a father who is abusive? Absolutely not. Serious behavioral problems can develop with children brought up in such a home. Kids love their parents and naturally want to them love each other. Security is important to them too. It is devastating for a kid to even suspect that either of their parents is being harmed in any way. Privately, it is a living hell for a kid to lay in their bed at night focusing on the horror of their mother being abused in any way, or treated in any manner that diminishes who they think she is. It is devastating. Under such a scenario, they can understand the action by their mother to leave their father. They prefer this and although they don't say it, take great comfort in seeing their mother show strength and courage to stand up against what is wrong. It is critical in their development that they see you stand up against the abuse and take drastic measures to maintain your dignity and protect your kids. They will of course always love their father, but they will be grateful to you for taking that step. Feeling secure is very important to kids and you can bet that privately they don't feel that way now. it is very unsettling to them and they don't have the capacity to express how they feel because they don't completely understand it.
So, in the scenario where you leave, you have mixed emotions that prevent you from making that move. You make any excuse by finding the silver lining. There is no silver lining here. You are married to a man with incredible problems, problems that he doesn't appear mature enough to acknowledge that he has. He has crossed the line. Try focusing on what type of future you want without him and the abuse. Where will you live, how will you leave, what steps must you take to protect your interests and those of your kids. This future will not include him. Easy for me to say of course, but you have to begin your own internal process of healing by focusing on ridding yourself of the factors that are causing the problems.
Sorry to make this so long. I do understand. My father slapped my mother only once, and I will never forget it. She divorced him soon thereafter so I've been there. I was that little kid who laid in the bed and heard my parents arguing and heard the slap. It was incredible. Hard to put into words what I felt, but I can tell you that an incredible sense of relief came over me when we left my dad. I loved him and still do, but I felt that what he did was wrong, and admired my mom for leaving. It is why today I have no respect for any man who strikes a woman, and I feel that it signifies the end of the relationship. Think about this.
Last edited by LexusNexus; 04-23-2008 at 05:23 AM..
Thank you everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it. My hubby refuses to go to counselling atall. He's very stubborn. I have talked to my sister in the past about my hubby, she's sick and tired of hearing about it now - but I know she would support me if I left. People don't understand how torn up you feel inside, you long to leave the nasty man - then all of a sudden the nice man appears again. My daughter is 13 my son is 10. My daughter has been picked on by her dad, he moans and groans at her - I have always stood up to my hubby - if he has slapped me I've slapped him right back! I'm not some cowering little lady - but I'm tired of fighting with him. My son is a wonderful lad - so kind and caring. His dad isn't so mean to him as his daughter - weird that - but he has upset him at times by being irrational and aggressive. One person asked Why I had married a non-christian in the first place - the reason was, I wasn't following God at the time. I have paid my dues though. I have paid the price for my stupidity. I have prayed and asked God for wisdom and strength. Now I am physically ill and Alexus is right - this illness is because of the stress I have had on me.
For instance, last night, my hubby didn't talk to me at all. He stayed on his side of the bed, he was really off with me. The night before he was hugging me and being all lovey dovey. I am so confused. His mum and Dad were possibly going to build an annexe on the side of our house - this would relieve the financial pressures and they are a very nice couple - we would be so much better off if they were to do this. One minute hubby is for it, the next not. He plays mental games with me. His own dad has even said that he has wondered sometimes 'How on earth you put up with him sometimes'. So his parents are supportive and understanding. But if I do build this annexe - I will be joining myself to the family for the next 10 years at least. But it could really help us and be a positive thing to do.
My hubby will come home today, I don't know what mood he will be in till I see him, I don't know what row will take place or what will set it off, a good evening will be no arguments or yelling - Hubby will have his tea and then go off and play his computer games for 3 hours - he's addicted to them! I almost left him in 2003 - but he got all teary-eyed and sad - told me he loved me, wanted no-one else etc. Then, before you know it - he's back to telling me to F .. off, calling me a stupid b....some awful things. It helps to share this with you people. I think the thing that gets to me know is the feeling of hopelessness. You are older, you have been on this rollercoaster so long, you know nothing is going to change. I can't even book a holiday with him, last year he played up on holiday, ruining half of it - refusing to go certain places, causing arugments, Ihadn't packed the right clothes for him - so one morning, whilst I was half asleep he moaned about that and then hit me on my ankle. It really hurt - he was sorry, said he hadn't meant to do it - so why did he? The year before, I didn't even know if he was coming on holiday with us until the morning when I was about to leave - mental games again - he did eventually come with us - but why the games? Then the year before, we went on holiday, when we got there he moaned and groaned at me, calling me names, critical, he insited I drive him to the train station the next day so he could get a train back home!! Can you believe it? So I sat out in the car whilst he went to look at the train timetable - this was on my only annual holiday - he came back to the car and said he would stay. Then proceeded to have some funny days - a few f offs here and there.
I used to smoke - he didn't know - but I gave up a few years ago. The smoking was a crutch - now I am praying that God will be my true help and show me the right way to go. I have some good friends, but they do not know the day in day out dramas I have with this man!! I just feel so guilty at the thourght of leaving him. It's crazy. Why should I feel guilty. I wish I had the guts to just walk out the door with the kids - but I keep thinking what about the kids, will the divorce damage them even more? I feel as though I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. I want to break free of him - I really dislike him, but I have known him since 1987 - part of me is chicken.
So, your husband is mean to your daughter, he bullies her? And yet you still wonder if divorce would harm your kids? Sweetie, you are harming them by staying with your husband. One day you daughter and son will ask you "why did you make us live with him? Why weren't we important enough to you to leave dad?" What will you say to them? That you tried once, but their dad got teary eyed? What about your childrens tears?
I'm sorry for coming off so gruffly, but really it is going to be up to you to break this cycle. If you don't, your daughter is more then likely going to pick a man just like her father.......would you like it if your son in law called your daughter a *****? Slapped her around here and there? What about your son? Do you want him to have the same types of relationships with his children? His future wife? You and you alone are in a position to save your childrens future. You are at a crossroads.......its no longer a question of which path is better for you ---- the question has become, which path is better for your childrens futures?
Good Luck.
Last edited by camping!; 04-23-2008 at 08:34 AM..
Reason: spelling
If you are a Christian, you have an obligation to model good behavior for your children.
You need to model self-respect and decency.
Your husband's behavior is NOT acceptable and it should not be tolerated.
You are teaching your children, by your acceptance of his behavior, that it's okay.
You need to separate from him until such time as he can treat you properly, and with respect.
Until that time, you should not live under the same roof with him.
JMHO
Will somebody-anybody-please show me where the Bible or any other Christian literature says that you MUST stay in an abusive marriage!!!!!!!!!
yes marriage is important. But NOT as important as you and THE CHILDREN!!!!!!! Get out! he aint gonna change after 15 years!! get out and let God take care of the rest!!!!!!!!
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