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I know exactly what you mean.
I feel like I can go through my contacts from the last year or 2 and find someone to go out with in an hour, I just ended a relationship and am already in a state to look at it as a learning experience. (The controlling no-dog-guy)That's not even bragging however it sounds. Yet...so what. So yes I do relate to the actual struggle of external proof and intellectual fraudulence, but I don't feel like it's a problem to solve. I'm ok with it.
Maybe that's why I don't understand the anger, spite, and blame I read. Horrible insulting messages for being able to answer in a way that doesn't violates TOS that the 'anonymous' cant find the words, or lose the emotion, to be able to do, but have to lash out in some way that's still ineffective. My professional self sees hurt and low self worth in their words, we who can be happy have overcome struggles as real, and so it's hard to empathize all of the time, for me.
Thank you for putting this so eloquently and succinctly. This is exactly how I feel. I know very few, if any, people who had an Ozzie & Harriet, Norman Rockwell sort of childhood. I'm not going to go into the details of all the traumas I've had to bear, process, and grow from - the point is, it's a choice to wallow in misery instead of finding a way to get past a struggle or challenge.
For me, 3yrs/3mos since the breakup, but only 2yrs/4mos since I moved out of his house.
It's getting better. I'd say, for both of us. I mean, I'm in a much happier place than the ex is but at least he's not crazy twisted radiating hate and danger anymore. He's just mildly annoying now and then. I have to still talk to him because of the kids, but we are at 1.22 years and counting until the youngest turns 18 and I no longer have to deal with the ex husband at all. (I have a formula in a spreadsheet that tells me this number every day. I'm not even joking.)
Anyways, I'm sure you know this but...it gets better. Hang in there, chin up, and all that motivational baloney.
I am still stuck here. Trapped. I met him 10 yrs ago, April 3rd, 2009. OLD. In 2015, I came to the stunning realization that he is most likely autistic. I have been quietly planning my escape since Jan 2016.
For me, 3yrs/3mos since the breakup, but only 2yrs/4mos since I moved out of his house.
It's getting better. I'd say, for both of us. I mean, I'm in a much happier place than the ex is but at least he's not crazy twisted radiating hate and danger anymore. He's just mildly annoying now and then. I have to still talk to him because of the kids, but we are at 1.22 years and counting until the youngest turns 18 and I no longer have to deal with the ex husband at all. (I have a formula in a spreadsheet that tells me this number every day. I'm not even joking.)
Anyways, I'm sure you know this but...it gets better. Hang in there, chin up, and all that motivational baloney.
While 18 is the cut off for the financial link to your ex...unfortunately you will be dealing with your ex for years to come at graduations, weddings, and births...unless your children have cut your ex completely out of their lives...and even that is subject to change...it's tough once you have a child with someone, especially the wrong someone...in one way or another you will have some interaction with them...
Getting the car serviced and in the waiting area they've got Maury Povich on. Good God, what crap. I really hope that this is all staged theater drama. If it's real this is sadder than hell. I'd go wait outside but it's still hot as hell out there.
I used to vent and ask for advice sometimes but that was a bad idea. Exposing stuff I was upset and emotional about to this gang here? Nah. Not doing that again! I didn't come back until the wounds had healed over pretty good and I wasn't afraid of getting ripped into and told I deserved abuse. In all fairness, I was very sensitive then, my skin wasn't thick enough for this site.
I try to catch myself when I start kvetching about my ex now. I know sometimes it still spills over but I know it's tiresome. I get actually sick of living in my own head if I think about him too much, so...it's gotta be way worse for those outside of my life who don't give a damn!
Quote:
Originally Posted by SeaOfGrass
Yes, I try to sympathize because you know it's coming out of pain, but they sure don't make it easy.
What's been sort of fascinating to watch is how some posters used to be fairly mild-mannered and easygoing, even *gasp* likeable, but didn't have much or any luck with romantic relationships and they were just here asking for help or maybe just venting. Now they've taken on these "hard***", rude personalities or suddenly have a whole back history of ex-partners who just didn't live up to their requirements.
I should have said "personas" rather than "personalities." Like they've taken on some kind of alter ego or something. Not sure if I was clear about what I meant.
I should have said "personas" rather than "personalities." Like they've taken on some kind of alter ego or something. Not sure if I was clear about what I meant.
I imagine a couple of people here posing in front of the mirror trying to look all world weary but wise. I'm not really judging them, because I've been there. I found a pipe was a nice prop
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Well, I’m back in the saddle on dating. Got a coffe date after work next week and working on another date with another woman. I’m not 100% decided on relocating, at least a destination, so I decided to enjoy the ride and decide after school is over next month. Thankfully these two women are more in the exurbs of NoVA so they are probably more laid back than inside the beltway folks.
I am still stuck here. Trapped. I met him 10 yrs ago, April 3rd, 2009. OLD. In 2015, I came to the stunning realization that he is most likely autistic. I have been quietly planning my escape since Jan 2016.
Oh man, well I feel you because I spent a long time in that place. Relationships that feel like prison sentences are just... *sigh* Yeah. I'm sorry. *supportive hug vibes*
My ex definitely has some weird mental stuff going on. The lack of empathy sometimes is just astounding. He's...either some kind of antisocial personality disorder like narcissism or sociopathy, or he's on the autism spectrum, like Asperger's maybe, but I have no idea. The fact that he's always deep in his addictions, his chemical escapes he feels he needs on a daily basis, really doesn't help. He is one of several "poster child" type guys I know where a daily pot habit hasn't turned him into some kind of pleasant hippie peacenik, just an a-hole who doesn't care...doesn't care who he hurts, doesn't care when he runs his mouth and it costs him his job...just doesn't care. It was always either pot or alcohol, and when he was on the stuff it was every day. I think he was sober for all of 3 out of 18 of our years together.
All I can say is, keep hope alive in your heart. I was afraid of what kind of life I could have without him, because after years he had become my "normal" and I didn't know if I could make it in this world, I was scared and I'd become a little bitter that the dreams of my youth were mere fantasy and maybe he was right and life was suffering. That the cool person I used to think I could be, could never live in the "real world" of my adult reality. Well, out from under his toxic energy, I've bloomed like a meadow full of wildflowers in the spring sunshine. My life now isn't just good, it's really good. I feel like the universe is paying me back for the years I hung in there and coped. I hope that you can get free and find your best life, too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishiis49
While 18 is the cut off for the financial link to your ex...unfortunately you will be dealing with your ex for years to come at graduations, weddings, and births...unless your children have cut your ex completely out of their lives...and even that is subject to change...it's tough once you have a child with someone, especially the wrong someone...in one way or another you will have some interaction with them...
I don't think so. My own parents have had nothing to do with each other since...well, since I became an adult. My family is scattered all over the country, and most of the time if one of the kids or grandkids has some kind of an event, not everyone is even going to be able to make it anyhow. My ex is talking about maybe signing up with some kind of contractor outfit and trying to go back to the Middle East to some war zone. He feels it's the only environment where he feels "right." Though he sort of seems to passive-aggressively seek his own death. He deliberately does lots of really unhealthy (physically) things, hoping he'll die, but he can't quite bring himself to take decisive action to end it. It was kind of part of the problem, he was dragging his family down this slow, dramatic path of his own self-destruction. I think he believes if he goes "back over there" that someone will take care of this little problem for him.
As for our boys, one of them would love to have nothing further to do with him. Our younger son still is torn between frustration with him and a natural reverence for him as his father...with a heavy dose of that teenage thing, where suddenly in a divorce they have the power to get the adults talking crap about each other, and it feels very grown up to stir the pot and get included in grown-up conversations. I work very hard to keep a short leash on that nonsense in my own relationship with the kid, but I can't prevent him from trying rile his Dad up. I just have to make peace with the fact that the boy is nearly an adult, and like all adults, he'll have to figure out what he wants to believe, and engage in relationships with other people (including me and his father) on whatever terms he needs to.
Funny, some of the most helpful things in dealing with these difficulties have been Buddhist philosophies my boyfriend has shared with me. You can't control other people. You have to let go of any attachment to the idea that you can, or that you're entitled to any sort of treatment or respect in these situations. Be un-invested in outcomes and just do the next right thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SeaOfGrass
I should have said "personas" rather than "personalities." Like they've taken on some kind of alter ego or something. Not sure if I was clear about what I meant.
Well you know, it's like vague-booking, everybody looks at such a statement and sees a bit of themselves in it, right? The backstory of former partners made me feel a smidge of "Hey! I resemble that remark!" but I don't care. The cast of characters in my life has always been there, it's not so much a persona for me to talk about any of that, it's more a need to feel genuine and shameless in authenticity. Unless I feel a good reason not to, I just go ahead and speak my truths. Though a reason I try to moderate myself some (which I admittedly struggle with) is a desire not to just make people uncomfortable. I know some subjects just aren't for everybody. (EDIT: Insert heavy dose of self-mocking, "Shut up Spork, it's not all about you!" lol)
Well, I’m back in the saddle on dating. Got a coffe date after work next week and working on another date with another woman. I’m not 100% decided on relocating, at least a destination, so I decided to enjoy the ride and decide after school is over next month. Thankfully these two women are more in the exurbs of NoVA so they are probably more laid back than inside the beltway folks.
Good luck, Diss. Just take it easy and have a good time.
I just got off a work call and I almost said, "love you, bye!" as I hung up. What the what?
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