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To The_Dimwit: By the way I think you are anything but a dimwit! Your insight into how guys think is absolutely right or at the very least it's exactly how Rob feels. I'm not positive what you mean when you said "put it there"...but I'm going to guess backdoor. Long story short, Sam yes, Rob no, Rob wants to. And Rob got all this from Sam and it's not like we did it one time. Anyway, for sure I'm up for it with Rob and I should have been earlier. So Rob feels like I would do anything Sam wanted but I wouldn't with him.
Here is what I find fascinating, and it may have little to do with OP herself. Women in general tend to have the burry your head in the sand approach, in order to spare someones feelings or in orer to not rock the boat or whatever other cliche phrase you want to use. A simple risk/reward consideration, clearly tells you that being honest would have been the path of least resistance, yet many women defend OPs choice to lie. it is the exact same scenario as many CDR posters advocating not telling a man that the child he has been raising for years isnt biologicaly his, in the other thread from some time ago. Ladies, there are some things that you must know. men are not women. We are very different. In most all occasions, we will take the truth, no matter how much it stings, over deceit and lies. If you are dating a guy and you decide you want out, look him into his eyes and tell him just that. Dont string him along and make him lose his mind for weeks or minds by making up lies or talking about needing space. Stop lying, its disgusting and a complete turnoff. None of the women that have ever lied to me, are still in my life. I got rid of them like the no good manipulating worthless POS they were. Please use a littl elogic if you can, because us men use it all the time and its something you can use. Put the rationalization hamster to sleep and try doing the right thing every once in a blue moon. Thanks in advance.
Do Not start a marriage out on a lie step up to the plate and tell him . If he does not forgive you then that is on him ,and be prepared he might end the relationship but hey it will hurt for awhile . You will survive but you must be upfront with him . I wish you luck it is hard .
If there is true love the relationship will survive. I would say you are pretty much doomed to failure here - and if you do not learn a lesson from this you will never be happy...honesty and loyalty are royalty - If you are to be queen and he king.
To CSD610: No I amnot contradicting myself. Going on a first date with Robert does not mean we are immediately in a relationship. How was I to know how I would feel about Rob before getting to know him even for just a bit. So to cut off Sam even before my first date with Rob just doesn't make sense. Fact is, I realized pretty quickly that Rob was the real deal and then I stopped things with Sam
5 yrs from now he'll be bringing all this up everytime they argue. If I was the OP I'd run, not walk, away from the whole situation.
If a woman jumps in to bed with one guy, but then later on makes you wait, it means she likes you and doesn't want you to think she was too easy, the first guy was just a fun time..But the fiance won't ever see it that way.
Limited sexual experience in a woman is important to him..And that's the one thing she lied about. He'll always hold that against her.
The Fiance really wants a virgin bride...Because he's insecure about sex.
PS ~~ You really should show Rob how easily it is for you to post specific details about his manhood on a public forum.
There's a lot on this thread I don't agree with but when I read the post you're referring to I did a double-take and groaned. I'm far from a prude but that was pretty tacky.
To CSD610: No I amnot contradicting myself. Going on a first date with Robert does not mean we are immediately in a relationship. How was I to know how I would feel about Rob before getting to know him even for just a bit. So to cut off Sam even before my first date with Rob just doesn't make sense. Fact is, I realized pretty quickly that Rob was the real deal and then I stopped things with Sam
CaliChick, are things any better with Rob today? Were you guys able to talk about it?
CaliChick: Here's my two cents. Regardless if you two remain engaged, go to couples counseling, NOW!!!!
With that said, here's my advice. Tell Rob that you two "haven't done everything" because you always felt he was more conservative. Unless Rob flat out asked to do XYZ and you said no, then if he didn't ask or bring it up, how would you know if he wanted to do it? Men are all different. Some like vanilla others don't. Maybe you felt Rob liked vanilla and he didn't tell/show you otherwise.
My XH was very very very very very vanilla with me. BUT with his stripper xgf, they'd have sex while he was driving, in clubs, in the car, against a wall in public, etc. He refused to do any of that with me. But here's the difference. 1. His xgf initiated it all, 2. I don't think I could have done most of that anyways, 3. He's very closed off sexually (talk, actions, etc) so how his xgf got him to do it, probably by just doing it, versus I wanted him to want it. But he didn't.
Rob and Sam could be like me and my XH's xgf. Two very different people who like it differently. Same man (vanilla), but the person their with makes the difference. I'm pretty open sexually, but wouldn't have done 90% of non-vanilla things with my XH because of who he is. Versus, new BF, he can pretty much ask me to do anything and I would.
Anyhow. He tested you and you failed. You learned your lesson....don't be the person you THINK they want you to be, be the person YOU ARE. If they judge you for that and/or can't get past it, then they're not a good person. If they can and let it go even if they don't like it, then they're worth it.
Unfortunately, you got caught in the lie. Now you have to figure out what is the main thing bothering Rob. Is it the fact that you lied? Is it that you were "loose" with Sam? Is it the things you did with Sam? My two cents, ASK ROB what is most bothering him and why. The thing he may complain about the loudest, probably isn't the main thing that is bothering him.
Lastly, don't blame Sam in anyway for spilling the beans. You have only yourself to blame. You should have been honest. And that doesn't mean you have to give details, it just means being honest about who you are, not who you thought he wanted to be with.
Good luck.
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