Do I tell him or do I not tell him? (affair, mature)
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Hi everybody. I've been off the forum for a few days. I don't have good news. The cat is out of the bag. Rob told me that he knew about Sam and me (and that's why I thought he has been acting kind of funny lately). He is major pissed. Basically Sam spilled the beans a little while ago because he "didn't want to hurt his friend." Of course Robert wanted details and I guess Sam obliged.
So Rob was trying to see if I would ever fess up. He kind of brought it to the boil when he brought the topic of Sam being best man. When I didn't talk about Sam and me, Robert decided to tell me he knew.
We had a huge fight . He basically said that I lied to him because I told him I didn't have casual sex and he views a fwb as casual. He's also way pissed that I did stuff with Sam that I haven't done with him. He never really raised his voice but the sarcasm and hurt was there when he said something like "it took him (Robert) alot of wining aand dining before he got anywhere wheas Sam got it all right away." He also thought it was "warped" that I'd let him pick a best man who had sex with me.
I'm sick to my stomach. I love Robert and he's such a great catch and a sincere wonderful man. He's been great to me and I don't want to lose him over this. How do I calm this situation?
Why are you surprised? Men always tell their friends about the sexual conquest.
Never date a man, past the age of 25 or so, who worries about your past experiences. Huge red flag.
I once asked a girl if she ever had a threesome..Her answer was "Oh, ya know, I went to college." I smiled and nodded my head..It was a great answer, and who really cares what someone did in the past or who they did it with (Unless the dude is standing next to me on my wedding day, gahdammit.)
I think this whole story is a strong example of what lust and love are. Fiance is getting them confused. If she is marrying him, he is getting the better deal.
The dude only told you that he wanted Sam to be his best man to see what your reaction would be.
Robert knew EVERYTHING when he informed you of his choice of groomsman.
That ain't gentlemanly.
That's manipulative.
And kind of sick.
At this point if I were you, I'd consider developing another circle of friends.
He caught her in a lie. How many people wouldn't set her up to see what her reaction would be?
Common human behavior, not sick and really not even that manipulative.
Some people might say he was giving her a chance to come clean, he gave her a perfect opportunity to have a conversation that must take place, and she chose to keep the charade going.
Hi everyone. I need some advice on how to handle a potentially bad situation.
I'm engaged to a great guy, who I'll call Robert. We get along in every way even thoughour backgrounds are kinda different. His upbringing was a bit on the conservative side while mine was more liberal.
My issue is this. Robert is thinking about who to ask to be his best man. One guy he's thinking about asking is "Sam." Sam and I started as a one night stand and a couple of months later we began a friends with benefits thing. I have never told Robert about my relationship with Sam even though Sam is in our social circle.
When Rob and I had "the talk" I told him that I was carefuland conservative in my past relationships and that I only had sex in the context of meaningful relationships. He asked if I ever had a one night stand and I answered no. I said this because I know that was what Rob wanted to hear and I didn't want to createfriction... Soooo... I kinda didn't tell the whole truth.
What should I do now? I'm pretty sure things would change if Rob found out that his potential best man Sam and I used to bump. If I say nothing, he may never find out. If I do tell him, he is going to think less of me and might cancel our plans for a life together.
I'm really nervous about how to handle this
Well, you went straight into this relationship lying. DO NOT marry this man and not tell him the truth. The truth WILL come out and it will be far worse when it does after you are married than before. You need to sit him down and tell him the truth about all of your relationships and if that causes you to break up, then that is not the right kind of relationship for you anyway. I'd be really nervous too, but the fact of the matter is your need to tell him the truth.
Kitkatbar sort of has it right in how Rob feels. It's not that he pushed early for sex and is angry because we didn't. It's finding out that Sam pushed (very) early on and did "get it." Makes Rob feel that Sam is hotter or something.
And of course that leads to "have you had other fwb and one nightstands." I hate this stuff. I can't believe Sam told him everything
WTF did you expect? He has a right to ask those questions and if you want to ever have a chance of marrying this guy, you better come clean.
The only reason you hate it is because you got caught in the lie. If I were Rob, I'd kick you to the curb and find a woman worthy of my character. From what I can tell in your writing, you're not even sorry you lied to Rob, only that you got caught.
I think this whole story is a strong example of what lust and love are. Fiance is getting them confused. If she is marrying him, he is getting the better deal.
By marrying a lying, promiscuous person? I don't think so.
You and the poster I was responding to totally missed my point. My only point was that he obviously read the OP wrong. It irks me when people don't get their facts straight. She wasn't cheating on him. That was my point. Yes, she lied - but she wasn't actively having an affair. You can feel as strongly as lying as about an affair - but my point was that the poster needed to get his facts straight otherwise his posts were irrelevant.
Actually, there's a post earlier in the thread that indicated that she was seeing them both at the same time. Draw from that what conclusions you will, but she's attempting to engage in historical revisionism, You can save face and you can save your ass, but most often you can't do both...
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