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To Ellie: Yeah, Sam was before Robert. But again, if I tell,then Robert is going to want details and stuff. And obviously, Sam and I were intimate like right away. This would bother Robert because he's against casual sex and on top of that I made him wait a while before we had sex. So there's a hornets nest here
Hi everyone. I need some advice on how to handle a potentially bad situation.
I'm engaged to a great guy, who I'll call Robert. We get along in every way even thoughour backgrounds are kinda different. His upbringing was a bit on the conservative side while mine was more liberal.
My issue is this. Robert is thinking about who to ask to be his best man. One guy he's thinking about asking is "Sam." Sam and I started as a one night stand and a couple of months later we began a friends with benefits thing. I have never told Robert about my relationship with Sam even though Sam is in our social circle.
When Rob and I had "the talk" I told him that I was carefuland conservative in my past relationships and that I only had sex in the context of meaningful relationships. He asked if I ever had a one night stand and I answered no. I said this because I know that was what Rob wanted to hear and I didn't want to createfriction... Soooo... I kinda didn't tell the whole truth.
What should I do now? I'm pretty sure things would change if Rob found out that his potential best man Sam and I used to bump. If I say nothing, he may never find out. If I do tell him, he is going to think less of me and might cancel our plans for a life together.
I'm really nervous about how to handle this
Elope.
If they go out to a bachelor party together, it's all over. If you don't want to "fess up" (and I wouldn't if I were you, because what you did before you met him is none of his business). He's gonna find out.
To Ellie: Yeah, Sam was before Robert. But again, if I tell,then Robert is going to want details and stuff. And obviously, Sam and I were intimate like right away. This would bother Robert because he's against casual sex and on top of that I made him wait a while before we had sex. So there's a hornets nest here
If it's not too personal, what was different? Like, was it years apart and you had changed your views on sex by then? Or did Robert mean something different/more serious and you could see that right away? Or were you just not as attracted to him?
To Ellie: Yeah, Sam was before Robert. But again, if I tell,then Robert is going to want details and stuff. And obviously, Sam and I were intimate like right away. This would bother Robert because he's against casual sex and on top of that I made him wait a while before we had sex. So there's a hornets nest here
You're getting married to an insecure man that needs to be lied to in order to not "create friction". That sucks.
If you don't tell him, it'll eventually come out, and he'll use it as an excuse to never trust you.
Even worse, His wedding day memories will cause him to burn with humiliation because you and his own best man had a secret. Forget breaking out the wedding pics and going down memory lane.
Tell him or break it off..Not telling him is not an option.
As counterintuitive as it sounds, most marriage counselors advise a partner to NOT come clean about the affair.
It's different when you can't control the secret...She doesn't tell him, five yrs go by and then the best man breaks down and tells him, end of marriage.
If the person you slept with moves across the country, if there is zero chance of the secret coming out, you can keep it to yourself and live with shame. But she has no control over whether or not the secret comes out.
You're getting married to an insecure man that needs to be lied to in order to not "create friction". That sucks.
Even worse, His wedding day memories will cause him to burn with humiliation because you and his own best man had a secret. Forget breaking out the wedding pics and going down memory lane.
I agree here. I DO understand what others are saying about not telling. And I think in most instances, it's better just to keep the past in the past. I didn't ask, and I didn't care. If she never saw the guy anymore, I'd say there was no point in saying anything. But, the sticky situation here is that the guy could be his best man. That has the potential to do some real hurting and taint all memories of his wedding.
The other piece of it is, if you guys aren't strong enough to weather this not-too-impressive storm, you don't have what it takes to make it as a couple anyway. I mean, you didn't even do anything wrong other than lie about it. You didn't cheat. You didn't kill someone. You didn't hurt anyone. On the scale of things that have to be faced honestly in a marriage, this is small fry. If what you two have isn't strong enough to weather this... just sayin', maybe you need to find that out before you're married...
He asked if I ever had a one night stand and I answered no. I said this because I know that was what Rob wanted to hear and I didn't want to createfriction... Soooo... I kinda didn't tell the whole truth.
Very simple. You technically DID NOT lie to Rob. He asked if you ever had a "one night stand", you did in fact tell the truth because you said you and the other guy Sam were "friends with benefits" a few moths after you first slept together. That is NOT a "one night stand". So you have nothing to feel bad about there.
Even if you didn't have deep, heart felt feelings for Sam, you obviously felt something for him, enough to carry on a sexual relationship. This doesn't need to be explained or defined.
Furthermore, if Rob and Sam are friends, believe me, Rob KNOWS you slept with Sam. Trust me. Guys talk.
If I were you, I would leave this one alone. You are going to seriously complicate things by opening your mouth. Men do NOT want to hear about the other guys their girl has screwed, let alone if it is a friend of theirs. Trust me, they don't want to hear it. Don't over analyze this. Let it go.
Thanks for all your comments everyone. I guess there really are a bunch of ways to look at this.
To Labrat70: You're right in that technically it wasn't a one night stand with Sam because of the later stuff. But then if Robert gets the skinny he's going to ask why I would have sex on the first night since I told him that I never did that kind of stuff.
To kitkatbar: No unfortunately it wasn't years apart. I met Robert while I was "seeing" Sam.
To Dport7674: Robert is NOT insecure. He's a great all around guy and I don't think it's fair to trash him.
To Labrat70 again: You said that Robert knows. Well I'm really worried about that because he has been acting kind of strange or maybe a bit distant lately. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. But I keep telling myself that if he found out recently he would have brought it up.
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