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Ouch. I'm not sure there is much you can do, except maybe turn it around on him somehow, and that could easily backfire.
First of all, you can tell him your sexual past is none of his business, and he has no right to know about it. Of course, you did lie about it rather than having told him to mind his own business. I suppose you could challenge him, saying you knew he couldn't handle the truth, so decided to lie because you wanted to be with him. As for not doing things with him that you did with Sam, remind him he's too conservative to even try, but if he opens his mind he might get the same. Shaming him will either challenge him to do better, or push him further away. It seems like you have nothing to lose by trying at this point. Of course, if he can't let it go eventually, you won't want him at that point anyway - you'll never stop being reminded about it.
Hi everybody. I've been off the forum for a few days. I don't have good news. The cat is out of the bag. Rob told me that he knew about Sam and me (and that's why I thought he has been acting kind of funny lately). He is major pissed. Basically Sam spilled the beans a little while ago because he "didn't want to hurt his friend." Of course Robert wanted details and I guess Sam obliged.
So Rob was trying to see if I would ever fess up. He kind of brought it to the boil when he brought the topic of Sam being best man. When I didn't talk about Sam and me, Robert decided to tell me he knew.
We had a huge fight . He basically said that I lied to him because I told him I didn't have casual sex and he views a fwb as casual. He's also way pissed that I did stuff with Sam that I haven't done with him. He never really raised his voice but the sarcasm and hurt was there when he said something like "it took him (Robert) alot of wining aand dining before he got anywhere wheas Sam got it all right away." He also thought it was "warped" that I'd let him pick a best man who had sex with me.
I'm sick to my stomach. I love Robert and he's such a great catch and a sincere wonderful man. He's been great to me and I don't want to lose him over this. How do I calm this situation?
I think it's "warped" he is testing you.
Have you asked your fiance "what would it take for you to not be upset with me?"
Honestly, this is why I don't get into the past with my boyfriend. I know he has slept with other women, I've slept with other men. Albeit not your situation, but the way I see it, the past is the past and there was never any reason for it to be brought up to begin with, other than asking if he was free and clear of STD's and desires a committed relationship. The fact that my SO has probably had many one night stands in his frat days means little to me at this point. I never asked their names, either. It doesn't matter.
I think it's odd he knows what you did with Sam and is even holding it against you. My past behavior with men in my youth has nothing to do with how my man views me now. Thank GOD we didn't date in college.
This is a sticky situation. Of course you lied, there is that, but even if you DID tell him "yes, I banged Sam in ways I never banged you!", would it have changed things anyways?
Anyways, ask hubby what he needs to be done to resolve the situation. If he thinks this is unforgivable, I don't know what to tell you. Don't accuse, don't beg for forgiveness, explain that it was in the past, and see where it goes from there. Don't light the fire by continuing any sort of arguments.
He has a right to be mad at you I suppose, but I can't help but feel a little sick he is choosing your wedding day as a sort of "test". I won't pass any judgment on your future marriage, but this would really worry me. Why is he even still speaking with Sam? WHY ask for details? And I have a feeling Sam wanted to see your relationship fail more than he wanted to be a good friend, or this would have came out a while ago.
I can see that. Of course, he's probably insulted that he's not worthy of her A-game, but the fling was.
But it wouldn't make sense that he would complain that he had to wine and dine her to get into her pants when the whole reason he is upset is because she had casual sex - which he doesn't "believe" in. He can't have it both ways - if he's upset that she had casual sex (besides being upset about the lying) - then he can't be upset that she didn't have casual sex with him.
I can see that. Of course, he's probably insulted that he's not worthy of her A-game, but the fling was.
A little TMI, but I have done "things" with ex's and flings I have never done with my current. My tastes have changed over time, and I just don't desire these things anymore. I want a different experience out of sex than I did before. My boyfriend has even asked me "Have you ever done XYZ?" and if I have, I tell him. It's more a question of if I liked it and would do it again, not to compare previous sex lives. He has never held it against me. Quite frankly, the crazy things I used to do I did just because I saw it in the movies or read it in a book. I much prefer what I have now with him.
It's a little odd, makes me think he is sexually unsatisfied or territorial, neither of which is all that awesome. I'm also not a man though, just knowing how my boyfriend reacts to similar situations.
just out of curiosity, why did you make Robert wait to have sex with you and just let Sam get quick access?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewdrop93
Honestly, the fact that he would even say something like that would be pretty insulting to me.
I dunno. I kind of can see both sides on this one. I mean, if the OP's answer to the above is, "I was a different person by then. I had something special with Robert and it was so much more than with Sam. I had realized casual sex was wrong for me... etc" then that's a different scenario than, "Sam just made me so hot. I just couldn't wait. Whereas with Robert, waiting wasn't an issue." Particularly since Sam has apparently spilled details of what was done (and it's things she doesn't do with Robert), it's probably giving Robert the very clear impression that 1. It was wilder, hotter sex and 2. His fiancee couldn't wait to get her hands on Sam but had no problems holding back with Robert because she was only lukewarm about him.
And then there's the fact that his fiancee lied to him, and then proceeded to keep a secret WITH Sam, from him. Sam told him. The OP didn't. Now Robert has to be questioning not only if the OP actually has any strong feelings for him at all, but whether he can ever trust her again. On top of dealing with a lot of jealousy and inadequacy if she wanted to do all of these "things" in bed with Sam, and not with him. Not a good mixture of feelings to be stewing in for him.
OP, I don't know what to tell you, except that if you want to salvage the relationship, I would apologize, be honest this time, and answer any questions he has. And if there's anything comforting you can offer about why things were different with him versus Sam, this would be a good time to offer them.
But it wouldn't make sense that he would complain that he had to wine and dine her to get into her pants when the whole reason he is upset is because she had casual sex - which he doesn't "believe" in. He can't have it both ways - if he's upset that she had casual sex (besides being upset about the lying) - then he can't be upset that she didn't have casual sex with him.
I see what you're saying, but I think he can have both feelings at once. It's doubly insulting to him that she not only 1. Had casual sex, which he doesn't believe in, 2. Felt stronger for Sam than she did for him. Like, I don't think he's saying he wouldn't have wanted to date for awhile before sleeping together, but that it's adding insult to injury that she made a production out of holding back with him and requiring something serious before sleeping together, but with Sam, she couldn't get her panties off fast enough. I think it's not that he wanted them to do that, but that the fact she would do it with Sam indicates she felt something stronger or more passionate for him.
it's probably giving robert the very clear impression that 1. It was wilder, hotter sex and 2. His fiancee couldn't wait to get her hands on sam but had no problems holding back with robert because she was only lukewarm about him.
I see what you're saying, but I think he can have both feelings at once. It's doubly insulting to him that she not only 1. Had casual sex, which he doesn't believe in, 2. Felt stronger for Sam than she did for him. Like, I don't think he's saying he wouldn't have wanted to date for awhile before sleeping together, but that it's adding insult to injury that she made a production out of holding back with him and requiring something serious before sleeping together, but with Sam, she couldn't get her panties off fast enough. I think it's not that he wanted them to do that, but that the fact she would do it with Sam indicates she felt something stronger or more passionate for him.
I think this whole story is a strong example of what lust and love are. Fiance is getting them confused. If she is marrying him, he is getting the better deal.
I think this whole story is a strong example of what lust and love are. Fiance is getting them confused. If she is marrying him, he is getting the better deal.
If this is true, that she feels something stronger, more passionate, deeper, etc, for Robert, then she needs to open her mouth and start pouring that out now. Because the impression her actions must've given Robert is precisely the opposite. And then she lied to him.
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