Husband cheated but I have my own guilt too (affair, different, interested)
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I don't blame the OP for feeling guilty - she's been carrying around this secret for decades, which in itself is unhealthy.
But a one night stand BEFORE MARRIAGE OR ENGAGEMENT at age 19 is a LOT different from an ongoing affair two decades into a marriage. We are simply not even talking about the same thing.
In my opinion, there's no NEED to tell the husband about that one time fling twenty years ago. But at the same time, if she feels the need to finally confess, this seems like a good time to do it - and to really begin discussing all aspects of their relationship with everything out on the table.
I think that's probably the only way to salvage the marriage - if they even want to do so.
When I was married before, I was faithful - technically. However, the marriage itself was a pathetic sham, with LOTS of issues, and I did have an inappropriate relationship with someone I met at a work function - we never even kissed, but we had a lot of very inappropriate conversations. Even at the time, I knew this was because my marriage was so unhappy, and I was so desperate to make an intimate connection with someone. Thankfully, I got my head out of my arse before things got out of control.
Lo and behold, later that year, I found out that my husband was having multiple "affairs." No, I wouldn't even call them that - he was hooking up with strangers at casinos. YUCK. And he had been doing it for years.
So - I divorced him. And no, I don't feel guilty about my own indiscretion whatsoever. I did at the time, but hindsight is 20/20. The two different scenarios were not even remotely on the same level. What I did was wrong, but what he did was a deal killer.
By the way, after I broke things off with the guy, I actually TOLD my husband about it. What I told him was, "Our marriage is really in trouble. I broke it off, but I need to tell you that I almost had an affair. I really wanted to. I don't want our marriage to be like this. Can we go for some counseling?"
He agreed - and oddly (at the time) didn't make a big deal out of my "indiscretion." Now I realize it was because he was already embroiled in having sex with strangers. Of course, he didn't divulge that to me at the time, or in counseling.
I say all this to put things in perspective. Honesty only accomplishes good things when BOTH parties are determined to be completely honest. Otherwise, you're just muddying the water.
What you know is that he's been having an affair. This reflects on the current state of your marriage. I suggest that you go to a counselor ON YOUR OWN and sort through your issues of guilt. But don't EVEN start to think that what he's doing is on the same level as what you did twenty years ago.
Husband cheated but I have my own guilt too Reply to Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom
I absolutely agree with this.
My ex DID cheat on me. Before we got married, and yes I forgave him. And we got married. Yes we did eventually split, but that had nothing to do with cheating or affairs. Totally different issue.
This situation must be more common than any of us have thought. My ex cheated on me before we were married also and finally told me because of the guilt she felt. I forgave her, but never felt quite the same. Her cheating after our marriage is what caused problems we couldn't overcome... Her cheating caused her to be overly jealous.
You guys got married really young. Your husband probably felt like he didn't really get to enjoy his youth since he has been monogamous essentially since he was barely past his teens. It is very difficult for men to stay monogamous in the first place, its just not what we are genetically programmed for. However, given your husband's situation, he was probably curious about what it would be like with another woman.
I'd probably find it in your heart to forgive him for this indiscretion. But keep tabs on his future behavior. This may become addictive.
this thread has me thinking....I dated my wife for 10 years JUST dating...all the cheating I could have done and it would have been perfectly OK because I wasn't married yet..what a great foundation that would have been for my marriage!
Nobody is saying what she did as a naive drunken 19 year old one time was "okay"
We are just saying what she did is not comparable to a grown man who has been married for 14 years planning and participating in an ONGOING AFFAIR
We've been married for 12 years and it's been 4 months since finding out about his affair. I'm hurt and he's been showing remorse but at the same time I'm having trouble dealing with this.
I'm guilty of the same thing but only this was way before we got married and I was a then naivee 19 year-old who got drunk that day (now I'm 34). Till this day he's still unaware and don't know if I should even mention it. Or should I focus on his cheating esp. when he did it more than once for several months and would still be going on if I had never found out.
Telling your husband about one drunk day 15 years ago is going to do...what, exactly? Make you feel better but him feel worse? Make him feel justified in carrying on an affair over time? Put the final nail in the coffin for your marriage?
Your punishment for cheating is that you get to carry the guilt of it for the rest of your life.
NOT that I am condoning cheating. Just that confessing something like that is never for the benefit of the one who was cheated on. It's always to comfort the one who did it.
Well, too bad. Unless your goal is to punish him with your own cheating, live with yourself.
You guys got married really young. Your husband probably felt like he didn't really get to enjoy his youth since he has been monogamous essentially since he was barely past his teens. It is very difficult for men to stay monogamous in the first place, its just not what we are genetically programmed for.
Oh, b.s. Really. Humans are not programmed to be monogamous. It's not just a man-thing.
However, somehow, millions upon millions of humans manage it. This is because we can aspire to something other than the fulfillment of our own urge to rut.
So you had sex with someone else when you were young, drunk and UNMARRIED, give it a rest already, nothing to be guilty about, you were NOT married to him.
The rest of the issue is your choice alone as to what to do about your marriage. Good Luck.
There is no way I'm feeling guilty for something that happened 15 years ago when I was single, I wouldn't feel guilty about it for 15 seconds let alone years.
Please don't read this as a personnal attack. At least three of my reaaly close friends have your mentality. I don't judge them by it, it is their business.
BUT,
So cheating while unmarried isn't cheating ??
I have noticed that people that sleep around while in a relationship have a harder time finding one person to settle down with.
Seems those people spend too much energy hooking up with new people to really succeed in a relationship.
And a lot of them blame the s/o. "So and so just doesnt do it for me....."
Maybe if people would stop sleeping around while in a relationship, they might actually enjoy the gf/bf.
But then, most relationships fail anyway, so why not have 'fun' along the way, right ?
Sometime I really wish when I was in my 20's I had this mentality, damn my conscience. haha
This situation must be more common than any of us have thought. My ex cheated on me before we were married also and finally told me because of the guilt she felt. I forgave her, but never felt quite the same. Her cheating after our marriage is what caused problems we couldn't overcome... Her cheating caused her to be overly jealous.
Nah, we never any problems related to cheating, affairs, jealousy...none of that. He had issues, but he also had a serious Catholic background, and cheating on your spouse would have been something he could not have justified either inside his own mind, or with his family. I was never worried about that, and I did forgive him completely before we married. It was never an issue again.
No one has said that. But when you marry, you make a promise to yourself, your spouse, your family and your God, that you will not do so. That is part of your vows. People that have not married, or not entered into some sort of a truly committed relationship, have not made the same decision in their own mind and heart. Not even close.
Telling your husband about one drunk day 15 years ago is going to do...what, exactly? Make you feel better but him feel worse? Make him feel justified in carrying on an affair over time? Put the final nail in the coffin for your marriage?
Your punishment for cheating is that you get to carry the guilt of it for the rest of your life.
This cannot be stressed strongly enough!
When a person has had a one time incident of cheating which was totally out of character for them, and they have gone years and years and years without it ever happening again, to tell their spouse about it - especially in the middle of a crisis where you want to save your marriage - is just stupid and selfish.
NOTHING can be gained from telling him at this point in time and it will cause new pain to the marriage and just muddy the already churned up waters.
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Husband cheated but I have my own guilt too Reply to Thread
