Need MAN Marriage Advice - Husband Cheated And Said... (women, love, cheating)
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Hello, I need advice from a man or woman who has been in this situation.
My best friend has been going through marriage problems for a little over a year now. She calls me a few times per week crying and worrying about her husband.
Story: She caught her husband cheating last year. He threatened to walk away from the marriage. He told her that he stopped loving her years ago and as far as he was concerned, they were done with and he wanted a divorce. He said he was only letting her stay there because they have kids together and she didn't have a job to get her own place.
He yelled at her, called her out her name multiple times. He hit her for the first time (he hasn't hit her again since then but they have had verbal fights a few times since then because of her bringing the past up).
Here's the thing. She wants to stay in the marriage, but she can't forget. He has started acting better (saying he loves her again, posting pics of them two on his Facebook page, posting messages saying he doesn't know what he was thinking for cheating because she's the best looking female in town, etc.).
She doesn't believe him about being the most beautiful female in town because she is overweight and average looking.
The problem: Even though he has started acting better, she can't seem to let go of the past. She thinks he's only saying these things because the other woman dumped him and now he's unemployed (may be harder to get women with no money).
She said when he sees a lady that lives by them, he stops talking to her to stare at the lady, but the lady never looks in their direction to notice him. When she complains about him looking, he tells her that he's just comparing to her. She doesn't believe him after the incident last year. She thinks he has an interest in this lady.
I am getting tired of her calling me talking/crying for hours about this. Personally, I don't deal with cheaters. I think once a cheater, always a cheater but I know some feel differently. So, I am here to ask for other opinions of men and women whom have been in this situation.
Do you think he's being serious now? Is he only holding on because the other female left him or it's harder for him to find someone else? Is this typical for a man who has screwed up but still wants the marriage? Should she stay?
Extra: They are 30 years old. They've been married for 7 years and together for about 9 years. They also have kids together.
She needs to get rid of him. I've been on two sides of this situation (both as the one who got cheated on and as a child of a parent who cheated and then acted abusive) and she needs to separate herself and her children from him ASAP.
He wants to find happiness elsewhere, she needs to find happiness, and her children need a safe, loving environment.
As a friend, I've found that it's difficult to motivate the other person in this kind of situation... she needs to decide for herself if she's willing to tolerate this behavior and possibly hurt her and her children's happiness, or if she's going to grow a pair and get out.
I am getting tired of her calling me talking/crying for hours about this. Personally, I don't deal with cheaters. I think once a cheater, always a cheater but I know some feel differently. So, I am here to ask for other opinions of men and women whom have been in this situation.
I am in the same situation as you. Have a few friends and a sibling who's been cheated on and I have to hear about it constantly. You have to just accept that your friend is not going to leave and will be a paranoid whiner (not that I'm blaming her for this) for the rest of your friendship. Be a friend and just listen but don't expect her to do anything different than what she is doing now for years on end. Some people leave when they get cheated on and some people don't. Your friend is one who doesn't leave. And, yes, she will get cheated on again and again and she will act like it's the first time she's discovered it every time. You can't raise her self-esteem for her, she has to do that herself, and you may never see that day. There's nothing you can do.
Yeah, but this IS my best friend of over 20yrs so I care about her like a sis. I am the one she calls about 4 times a week, for over a year, crying. It's too much for me to keep dealing with. I came here for help but thanks anyway...
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia
Unfortunately, there's no real way for anybody here to know. This isn't even your own husband, it's hearsay and only part of the story.
Thanks Nancy. I'm sorry to hear about what you had to go through, especially as a child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by negativenancy
She needs to get rid of him. I've been on two sides of this situation (both as the one who got cheated on and as a child of a parent who cheated and then acted abusive) and she needs to separate herself and her children from him ASAP.
He wants to find happiness elsewhere, she needs to find happiness, and her children need a safe, loving environment.
As a friend, I've found that it's difficult to motivate the other person in this kind of situation... she needs to decide for herself if she's willing to tolerate this behavior and possibly hurt her and her children's happiness, or if she's going to grow a pair and get out.
Thanks. Yeah she's mainly holding for the kids. She likes that he has changed a bit and now posting pics of her on his Facebook and saying how she's the most beautiful woman ever but she is still stuck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
Um, he HIT HER. And cheated on her. And said incredibly cruel things to her. Time to dump the dead weight and move on.
Thanks, you definitely hit some strong points. A lot of truth.
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth
I am in the same situation as you. Have a few friends and a sibling who's been cheated on and I have to hear about it constantly. You have to just accept that your friend is not going to leave and will be a paranoid whiner (not that I'm blaming her for this) for the rest of your friendship. Be a friend and just listen but don't expect her to do anything different than what she is doing now for years on end. Some people leave when they get cheated on and some people don't. Your friend is one who doesn't leave. And, yes, she will get cheated on again and again and she will act like it's the first time she's discovered it every time. You can't raise her self-esteem for her, she has to do that herself, and you may never see that day. There's nothing you can do.
If you hold on to something it eats you up. If he does it once, what's to say he isn't doing it again. If she keeps bringing it up, there is a clear lack of trust and or forgiveness.
The best thing to do is split up and move on.
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