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This question is for those on the forum who are a bit older, who gave gone through divorces and don't want to marry again, or who have come to the conclusion that a happily ever relationship isn't in store for them. How do you maintain this status and remain happy? I would like to ideally hear from those who are well adjusted and still moving forward in their lives regardless of the fact that they are perpetually single and surrounded by married couples and families.
The reason I ask is because I'm pretty self aware and for lack of a better explanation there's aspects of myself that just aren't conducive to being in a forever kind of relationship. I've been single for four years and have dated but it's been a little rocky. I'm also pretty independent so I don't HAVE to be in a relationship to be happy.
I can easily connect to all sorts of people so I don't feel lonely very often. However my problem is my need for intimacy. Yes the 2 hours I spend with a guy I respect and like that includes connecting over dinner, sex, and cuddling afterwards is something I feed off of. But I'm realizing I need a replacement for this. That it's unhealthy to place lots of my happiness on this temporary rush that at times leads to an emotional hangover that doesn't even justify the short time spent together. I was considering dance because movement and music make me happy and helps me stay in the moment so I wouldn't focus on other things.
Another factor in my thinking is the age we're in. Instant gratification, grass is greener on the other side mentality paired with the tons of opportunities the internet affords us to escape our relationship the second the going gets tough is jading me. So..for the other people here who have come to the conclusion that the fairytale isn't gonna happen in their love department, how do you keep it moving? How do you deal with lack of intimacy without having to sleeping around, picking up a slew of STDs? How do you avoid growing bitter brought on by being surrounded with family or friends who are in happy relationships, or even solely from the fact that you're in a way denying your basic needs? I may very well join your club at the rate I'm going.
For those who are wondering why I don't just sort out my issues and then find a boyfriend---the kind of guy I could remain with for 30-40-50 years seems like a needle in a haystack and it just doesn't look too hot.
Thank you.
Last edited by laurenaus; 08-06-2012 at 02:43 AM..
Dance is good--I go at least once a week and it's like getting a big group hug each time I go. I started out with the intent to date and then didn't feel the need after that. You could meet someone that way though but I haven't yet.
From what I understand from my dedicatedly single friends and coworkers, you just have to realize that there is going to be a trade-off there (just like you realize there is a trade-off if you choose to get married).
You might have to be happy with the temporary.
Some of my coworkers have people they have 'understandings' with...kind of like a friends with benefits arrangement.
I'm 36, single and generally content to remain so if the right guy doesn't manifest. Would I like a relationship? YES. But I'm kind of an odd duck who tends to bungle potential relationships pretty spectacularly, so I recognize my odds aren't that great also
How do I cope?
I've moved to a part of the country that suits me better, where I'm really just having a wonderful time. I have many hobbies, interests and goals to fill my time. I work very hard at forming friendships and maintaining existing ones, and remaining a part of my family member's lives, even if they're far away. I look for activities to participate in, events to go to, places to explore. I remember the benefits of my situation as compared to people who are paired off (not in a "sour grapes" way, but more in a recognition of the fact that there are always tradeoffs).
Oh yeah, and I always have an awesome vibrator - and a backup vibrator
Do you really think those "happily" married with kids folks are really getting any more sex/affection then you are...most likely they aren't.
Porn and a good vibrator are alternatives.
Yes indeed!!
Admittedly I'm an old broad but I'm not dead yet and don't plan on being so until the very last minute! I haven't been in an intimate relationship for almost 10 years now but I have a slew of friends and acquaintances both older and younger than I and my social life encompasses as much or as little as I want. Basically I'm happy in my own skin and as much as I enjoy people (and I really do) I don't need to be continually surrounded by them to have my life fulfilled and no way do I ever want to live in close proximity to anyone again. Having the freedom to do what you want when you want without having to make the compromises that are part and parcel of being one of a pair is priceless.
I think this truly is, the grass is always greener...scenario for most. Ive been single, happy and content for a while, but the need for intimacy or affection never really goes away. Im affraid that no activity, or a toy can truly replace it or satisfy it in the same way. The psychological stimulation simply cannot be found in the substitutes. When women fantasize during masturbation, they dont think about buying 12 batteries for their vibrator, but they fantasize about being with a man. Ive gotten back into the dating scene and find that being single, while occasionaly dating works pretty well for me, for the moment. If anything more comes of any relations im currently in, so be it.
I'm a loner so singlehood is not a problem for me. In fact I never seek dates (and even rejected the very few who ask me out) majority of my life.
While online dating gets me out and I get to meet potential mates, I can live without it. I actually am thinking if I should get in my loner independent woman mode again coz the last 2 meets I had were cheap men who dont even bother to buy me drinks. If most of my meets will be like that, then I'm better off alone (again).
After my divorce, I delibrately chose to focus on my kids. Ten years later, they are all gone, and I am alone. And, I am pretty happy. I focus my energy on my career, I go work out every day, I love my life. I also remind myself how terrible it is to be in a relationship that is dysfunctional, it is hell. I felt like I was either crying all the time, or wishing I was dead, I never want to feel like that again.
Love and relationships did not work out for me. And that is okay. I am sure if marriage was my "goal", I would be married. My goal is to be happy. And I was burned so bad that I am gun shy now. Which is also okay...at my age, I am dating widowers, which has it's own set of issues.
Focus on what you have. I am sorry you are unhappy, being single is great for me.
My coworker is in a marriage now, that is pretty miserable. She is always an emotional wreck. That was me, for years. So, when I think about marriage, I think about her...my life is better, hands down!
Last edited by jasper12; 08-06-2012 at 07:14 AM..
Reason: edit
After my marriage ended, I also realized that marriage is really not for me, and that I'm probably a better girlfriend than a wife.
How I cope:
1. Good network of friends. Socialization.
2. Hobbies (music, outdoor activities).
3. A male friend who shares the same views as me. We are not looking to get married, just companionship and support. We are basically just enjoying whatever life brings our way.
4. However I also tend to enjoy my own company probably more than I enjoy others', so this lonely issue doesn't concern me much.
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